Positive Time Out and Chore Charts in Flooded Grey Paris

Rain, rain, go away.  It’s been raining in France for weeks.  The Seine river is overflowing, and muddy water oozes into homes.  Trendy houseboat dwellers now row home!

There is a parallel for our families:  How can we parents protect our children from flooding emotions and dark moods?

Read below about:

  • Paris greyness and photos of the flooding Seine River
  • The Louvre museum closing.
    How about if family members took a Positive Time Out too?  Find out what it is and how it worked for parents, teens, & kids.
  • Protecting art treasures in the Louvre from the flood.
    How could we parents protect our emotional treasures such as one-on-one time?  Our family did it through chores with the help of Chore Charts.  We are sharing keys to great chore charts and lessons learned from our mistakes.

Enjoy!

Overflowing Seine with debris
Recuperating debris floating down the Seine. Yes, that is the Eiffel Tower hidden in the mist.
Pont de l'Alma during Paris flood
Hit your head under those bridges!
Frigate in Paris during flood
Switch of boats. The ancient frigate is now out on the water while the tourist boats sit at dock.
Quai d'Orsay during Paris flood
No more road. Take a boat to get to your boat!

50 000 Shades of Paris Grey

It’s a grey day in Paris.  We’ve had rain for weeks and the flooding Seine river leaked into the basements of river-side homes.  On June 3 folk still don padded jackets and woolen scarves.  At this time of year Parisian ladies usually strut in bright colors, reserving black for their sunglasses.  Today, the fall garde-robe is back on the street:  chic black from head to toe.

Parisians and tourists alike feel cheated.  This is not the weather it is supposed to be.  Spring, where art thou?  When did Paris become the City of Indirect Light?

The Louvre museum closed its doors today to move their art treasures stored in the basement to a safer spot.   

Only the security guards stood in the queues.  Slow business day for the trinket salesmen chasing the few tourists mulling about the Glass Pyramid and wandering the grand palatial esplanade.

Could parents learn from the Louvre during our times of flooding emotions, debris floating through our communication, streams, and cold fronts settling into homes?

What would our homes be like if we “closed down for the day” and “moved our treasures to a secure place”?

Take a Break…with a Positive Time Out

Pause.

I just did … and was surprised by sounds.  The bird chirping.  A boy bouncing a basketball.  A frustrated driver honking his horn.  Again. Water flowing through the pipes…

Try it.

Our Parisian life is SPEED and BUSY.  It’s a strain on relationships.  It’s tough on adults.  You can bet it’s a challenge to children.

And we wonder why our kids misbehave.

“Children do better when they feel better,” reminds us Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline.

In our home it means this:  my kids will benefit more from learning to unwind than from (yet another)

  • lecture (even a very intelligent one)
  • moment to “think about what they did wrong” (they are pondering on how not to get caught next time)

Brain science reveals that our human brains physically change shape when we are angry.  Our reasoning functions get “disconnected” which leaves us with raw emotion. Hardly helpful to resolve delicate differences.

Dr. Daniel Siegel explains the phenomena clearly with his short video.

Child psychotherapist Jeanette Yoffe enchantingly describes the kid version of Daniel Siegel’s hand model of the brain.  Show it to your children and you’ll gain a common understanding and LOTS LESS STRESS!

Jane Nelsen goes a step further and shows us PRACTICALLY how to create a physical and emotional space for our kids to reconnect and, once again, be at their best.  She calls this a Positive Time Out.  (Check out her sneak peak video and you’ll hear this insightful parenting expert explain it in her own words.)

It works for kids of all ages, from parents to teens to tykes.

Louvre is closed
Parisians dressed for fall weather on June 3, 2016.
Louvre with closed sign.
Fermee means C.L.O.S.E.D. Exceptional closing of The Louvre museum to move art treasures out of flood danger.
Vendors at Louvre
Golden Eiffel Tower sales plummet when the Louvre is closed.
Glass Pyramid of Louvre
No queues! …only on Closed for Flood Day.

Positive Time Out for Parents

Our family enjoys a Family Feedback where the kids give me feedback.  One year, our youngest told me “Mom, when you’re angry, go to your room.”

LOL!

I no longer have to be a “perfect mom” and think of calming down myself.  My kids tell me…kindly.

“Remember what to do when you’re angry….!”  “Mom, is this a good time for you to go to your room?!!!!”  and sometimes even, “I don’t know where you’re going, but, Mom, I am going to MY room. We’ll talk when you calmed down.”

My kids “parent” me.  What a freedom.  I can be human.  And still loved.  And avoid having the s____ hit the f____ and all that emotional clean up that comes along with the ugly scene.

This moment to regain perspective is so vital that Care for the Family even calls their parenting classes “Time Out for Parents” with special focus for Early Years, Teenage Years, and Children with Special Needs.

Positive Time Out for Teens

In France, school is not out yet for the summer.  It’s exam period.  My teens manage their stress and reconnect their brains with basketball, even shooting hoops on their own.

It’s rhythmic.  The ball goes bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, shoot and bounces again.

It engages body and mind.

It is respite.  On the court, Mom and Dad don’t badger them about their study plan!

Positive Time Out for Young Children

In my Positive Discipline parenting classes, one mother shared how Cuddly Corner helped her food-throwing daughter calm down.

They had previously created a space whose purpose was “to help Alice feel better.”  When the peas started flying through the air, Maman asked her screaming princess if she would be happier after a time in Cuddly Corner.  Alice stopped her pitching of peas in mid swing, thrust out her bottom lip, and whimpered, “Yyyyyyeeeeeeesssss.”

(Five minutes later Alice felt better and came to help mom sweep the floor.)

Positive Time Out works just as well in Paris as in California as in Sydney.  I love how fun, Australian mum Nae, blogger on Adventures at Home with Mum.  She writes about her son’s Chill Out Corner.  Nae (mother) and Dimples (son) gave the place a name that means something to them both.  It’s called marketing for your kids and Nae has done an awesome job engaging multiple senses like perfuming the space with Lavender Rice and providing Squeeze Balls to relax tense fingers.  It’s clearly a space where Dimples knows he has value and is loved.

The teachers at Queen Anne Elementary School in Seattle, WA developed a Positive Time Out space for their students.  Under a blue cloud that evokes sunny skies (!) children are invited to take a break, reset their brain, calm down, and find some peace.  There is a “je ne sais quoi” about Cloud City chez Queen Anne which we miss today in Grey Skies chez Louis XIV!

Preserve Treasures…such as Our Relationships

The Louvre museum time out has a purpose:  to save treasures.

empty Louvre Museum
‘Twas the Day of the Flood, and all through the Louvre, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”
Of course they don’t move. They are made of marble!
Empty halls of the Louvre Museum.
“Hellooooooooo?”

What are our family treasures and how are you and I preserving them?

My most precious resources are relationships and time.  Time flies.  Love lasts.

As the mother of four boys within seven years, I longed to have quality time, even one-on-one moments, with each child.  How?  Let’s be practical.

Quality Time Doing Chores

The solutions came unexpectedly and to my utmost amazement.  These precious exchanges happened doing chores!

Our family (that is, Me, Myself, and I) instituted a system of chores so that Mom would not be the maid.  As the only woman in the house, I conscientiously invest in teaching my future men to respect women.   Allowing them to expect the woman-of-the-house to clean up after their mess modeled the opposite beliefs.

I changed in order for them to change.

Soon my boys and I were doing similar housework.  If I was the maid, they were too.  Amazingly, they no longer thought of me as cleaner-upper!

Make a Chore Chart that Works for YOU

We tried multiple ways of organizing chores, always using a chore chart to facilitate communication and accountability.

Chore charts are like teeth.  Ignore them and they will go away.  To make a chore chart work with kids, parents need to follow through.  Inspection is a gift:  a job well done can receive recognition.

(Have you noticed the number of times we parents request something of a child and then ignore him when he’s done it?!  Would you rush to obey again too?! )

Our first attempt at organizing housework resembles the chart Ashley Langston posted on Frugal Coupon Living.  Like hers, we used images (only hers are much prettier).  🙂    Cute visuals make work more fun for everyone.

Nonetheless, we soon had to change.  “Clean up your room” (one of the jobs listed on Ashley’s chore chart and on mine too) requires verification.

We checked our chore charts before dinner.  Five minutes before mealtime I would go up to the children’s rooms and check for cleanliness.  My eyes hurt from the mess.

“Darlings, cleaning up happens before dinner.”

“It’s clean, Mom.” (!!!!)

“Clean means nothing on the floor and the bed is made.  I SHALL RETURN!”  And off I scurried to complete the finishing touches on the meal.

Five minutes later, I popped my head into their room.   The bed would be made with the toys under the covers…or half the floor was cleared up…or…

Inevitably, dinner was burnt.

If It’s Broke, Change the Chore Chart

So we tried something else.

Helping at home would include tasks that could be verified from the kitchen while I was preparing dinner. 

Opportunities abound:  setting & clearing the table, taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher, helping the cook, and helping for 5 minutes for whatever.

(To secure clean-ish rooms, we insisted on putting toys away before playing computer games.  Whoever was playing with a messy room was asked to stop playing for the day and was kindly and firmly oriented to his neatening up task.)

Every evening, one child and I would be work side by side for a few moments in the kitchen.  We learned to make them precious.   As Table-Setter-of-the-Week (we rotated chores on a weekly basis) laid out the forks and knives, I would learn about the boxing match during recess…from his perspective.  Between spinning salad and slicing carrots we explored ways to make up with his friend or to avoid bullies.

Another pair of hands might venture into Kitchen Territory during these discussions to be greeted with, “We’re having a Rendez Vous.  Could you come back later, please?”

They did, knowing that as they honored the parent-child-one-on-one-time of a sibling, he would benefit from the same respect during his turn.

A Chore Chart where Children Welcome Responsibility

Tsh Oxenreider’s Chore Chart for Preschoolers includes an added plus:  the kids make it.  She provides the children with the framework and the images (key success factor) of various tasks.

THE CHILDREN DEFINE WHICH TASK GOES TO WHOM.  Half, oops, two thirds of the job of getting chores done is convincing the kids to do them.  This chart enables tykes to choose their chore.

Since they decided on their job, they are more inclined to fulfill it.

This worked for us when my brother and his triplet boys came to visit.

How does ONE woman manage with NINE hungry men?  DELEGATION.

We settled the boys down with a list of chores and they worked out who did what.  Read here how they exclaimed, “I WANT vacuuming!”

Different Special Times for Different Folks

Samantha Kurtzman-Counter, President of  The Mother Company shares another feasible example of a simple way to change the way we spend our time to protect and cherish relationships.  In her video on Special Time she share how the first 15 minutes after coming in from work get dedicated to her son.

I used this example in a training for nannies who are mothers themselves.  They come home exhausted with their own children to bathe, feed, and check on homework.  And that’s before attacking the housework.

“How would your life be different if your children ate dinner fifteen minutes later?” I inquired.

After some debate they did conclude it wouldn’t make that a life-shattering change.

“How would your life be different if you had fifteen non-work minutes a day with your children?  You might just sit with them, listen, cuddle, look them in the eye, or play a game?”  Their eyes popped.

One nanny confessed, “I want to tell my kids ‘I love you,’ but most of the time I say, ‘I’m busy.’  These fifteen minutes would be transformative.”  Vive la (Home) Revolution!

 

Signing off….to snuggle next to my sons watching the Roland Garros women’s final on TV.  For this Parisian tennis tournament on June 4, Serena Williams dons leggings and a long-sleeved shirt.

The sun will come out tomorrow…?

Anger Management – Transforming Moods like Winter into Spring

Business took me to the Swiss Alps for an early morning meeting, so I chose to travel the night before and mix work with pleasure, decision-making with mountain hiking.

A light snow fell upon my arrival in the evening dampening both my body and my mood.  Anger?  No.  Apprehension?  Yes.

In Paris attire (albeit with walking shoes), I trudged one half hour through the wintry wet to settle in for the night.  My plan:  early to bed and early to rise.  Hike three hours from my mountain village to the town in the valley in time for our 10:30 meeting.

Winter outside.  Without Anger Management, winter lurks inside the soul too.

Winter magic clothed the trees in the morning.  Gentle flakes transformed these grey giants into lace.  Grey lace.  The sun had yet to shine of these latent beauties…only to destroy their flaky glory.

Snow on trees
Grey lace of snow dusted trees in early morning light.
Smoke from the chimney
Still cuddling by the fire…at breakfast time! Someone got up EARLY.

Camera poised I set out to capture their beauty…and slid on the thin layer of black ice that paved the road.   Immediately my focus was brought low, literally to the ground.  From high and wondrous thoughts to fear and frustration…and annoyance multiplied over the loss of my moment of magic.

Isn’t that the same with our moods?

We can be flying high with soaring spirits and CRASH down to earth…or worse.  Anger management, where are thou?!

How Sweet is Home?!

My kids’ behavior can do that to me.  I think “Home Sweet Home” only to discover “Jungle Wild Jungle.”  Strewn shoes, coats, and backpacks block my way to the front hall closet so that I no longer feel welcomed home.  Next the sound of video games accost my ears…on a weekday when the children are supposed to be reading, writing, and “arithmetizing.”  You probably get the picture.

Great mood.  Yucky temper.  In one second.  Anger management, HELP!

[bctt tweet=”Great mood.  Yucky temper.  In one second.  Anger management, HELP!“]

The Neuroscience of Anger Management

Neuroscience reveals that our brains are incapable of reasoning during moments of high stress.  We’re stuck in emotional responses, subservient to fight or flight.  It’s like the connections between our logic and our feelings has been interrupted.  In order to find solutions, be creative, and even understand the folk speaking to us, we need to reconnect the upper and lower spheres of our brain (the cortex and pre-fontal cortex).

Anger management is a physical phenomenon whereby broken communication pathways rejoin.  By calming down, a person allows this uniting process to reoccur in our brains.  (FYI, full upper and lower sphere connectivity in the brain is capable as of 25 years of age.  Kids and youth can nonetheless get close.)

Dr. Jane Nelsen, in her book on Positive Discipline, refers this reintegration moment as a “Positive Time Out.”  I cherish the name given by parents in one of my Positive Discipline classes: “I want my Cozy Corner.”

Anger Management in Action…
Literally Walking into It 🙂

My hike down the mountain led me to Cozy Corners of my soul.  Reconnecting my rational thinking with my disappointments of today (they’re not that huge, after all) and my hopes for tomorrow (they’re totally attainable still!!).  Bye-bye vexation.  Hello expectancy.

First I noticed the sun tinge the tips of the snow-frosted trees.  Light and warmth will soon melt the ice below my feet.  They will also melt the glaze on the trees.  Tough moments also hold their magic.  The glass is also half full.

Snow on trees
Tree tips reaching for the light. A ray of hope…
Snow on trees like lace
The sun did come out tomorrow. Bye-bye ice…and farewell lovely lacy trees.
Winter into Spring
The Dividing Line : Winter into Spring & Early morning into Daytime

Even anger holds its treasures.  Consider frustration as a sign that something should change.  Fury may even fill us with the energy to explore an alternative behavior.

Managed Anger Makes Room for Positive Emotions

My enthusiasm grew with the anticipation of a fear-less walk.  So did my patience.  Like Annie in the musical, I could bet my bottom dollar that the sun would come out…even sooner than tomorrow.

Hope heralds forbearance, a valuable resource for every parent and child.  Is “now” always the best time?   Think of when you last called the children to eat dinner.  NOW!  Remember when your precious one wanted admiration…while you were on the phone.  NOT NOW!

With every step down the mountain, Spring grew and grew.  Trees lost their white hue and adopted a green undertone until I reached places where plants paved the soil and petite bright green leaves fluttered above.  The ground burst with lilies of the valley about to bloom.  “Do they grow better in mountains?” I mused…

By now the sun poured through the branches and colorful flowers cheered my route.

Dents du Midi in Spring
Spring budding in the Alps
Carpet of lilies
Do lilies of the valley blossom earlier in the mountains?
Tulips in vegetable garden
Tulips and veggies. The good garden.
Dents du Midi in spring
Spring blooming in the Alps…and you & me bursting with anticipation & joy?! It’s my hope 🙂

Again, my thoughts soared to hopes and beauty and wonder.  This time with additional thankfulness that I had passed through the icy uncertainty so that I could fully embrace the benefits of Now.

Anger Management Tips for Today & Every Day

“Apply this to your life,” thought I.

You too?

Here is what my winter-to-spring walk showed me about anger management:

  • It is O.K. to be frustrated. Annoyance is a sign that something should change.
  • Glum spirits hardly enable change to happen smoothly or effectively.
  • Calm down before seeking resolution to a problem. The perspective will be TOTALLY DIFFERENT and opportunities will be found.
  • A great way to calm down is to think of or do something that brings joy.
  • Challenge may not be enjoyable. Having overcome one does feel awesome!

P.S. On the train ride home, I regaled in the fluorescent yellow fields of “colza” (rapeseed for high in omega 3 oils!)

Colza or Rapeseed
Cool Colza !

Loving Kids is a Daily Choice

When children love you, it’s easy for us parents to love them.
Then they’re the days when Mom and Dad struggle to speak to them civilly…and the kids don’t even try.
Loving one’s progeny on those days takes creativity, perseverance, and strategy. Read on for encouraging tips.

Continue reading “Loving Kids is a Daily Choice”

Who is the REAL opponent?

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WHO is the REAL opponent?  The parent, the spouse, the child, or the issue?

“Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle.” Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, authors of Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!, go on to suggest an intriguing perspective:

Make the issue the opponent.  Let parent and child partner together in finding a solution.

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We’re on the Same Team

It’s Rugby World Cup time. I hope my kids see me as a big team mate that tackles our shared obstacle. Let’s take an everyday example. The children come home from school and want a snack (called goûter in France). When I offered fruit, bread and cheese, the kids demanded a “real” goûter, that is, cookies, cakes, AND chocolate spread.

The easiest way to start an argument is to tell the children how wrong they are. “You’re so unhealthy. You don’t care that I want the best for you….”

The second easiest way is to let the kids tell you how wrong you are! “You always make us suffer and you never let us eat anything good….”

Creative Tool Kit

It takes a teeny bit of creativity and exploration to identify the real opponents.  Common ones include parent fatigue, peer pressure, and advertising. With your child (or spouse or even colleague) try some of these healthy relationship tools:

1. Use humor: “You saw those snacks on TV didn’t you? Did they show the trip to the dentist afterwards too?”

2. Take the frustration out on paper Download the boxing girl image.  She can handle your punches!

3. Get more facts: Differences can become emotionally charged. Facts provide objective input which helps to cool down heated exchanges.

4. Share Paradigms: “I understand the issue this way. What’s it mean to you?” Discover tips to Listen with Open Minds

5. Discuss it later, one-on-one: This technique has changed our family rapport. Read My Best Behavioral Habit

According to Miller and Turansky the subjects we argue about are often not THAT important.  We have noticed that is the case in our home.

It is the relationships that matter.

Image by LetMeColor.com
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