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The Family Feedback with little children

How much can your young child tell you about YOUR job as a parent?

Quite a lot.

By listening you share encouraging words for your kids.

The Family Feedback with tots

The Family Feedback is ONE GREAT FAMILY TIME where kids give feedback to parents. They start with the good stuff 🙂 and move onto deeper discussion.  Read more here.

For very young kids, we stick to sharing family highlights.  

You want your kids to associate “family” with “fun”?  Then ask them to tell you about a fun time with Mom or Dad.  This strengthens the neural messaging in their brains so that they can more easily access memories of great times as a family.

Our brain is amazing…and malleable.

Ask, “Tell me about a time you felt really happy with us.”

“When we played ball together.”

Help your child fully recall with the experience through specific and factual questions.

“What color was our ball?” “Was it before or after lunch?” “Who else was playing with us?”

Then gently probe for what generated the positive emotions.

“What was soooooo great?” “Which part made you feel the most special?”  “What did you do to show you were happy?”

Thank your child.  

“Your telling me when you were happy makes me very happy too.  Thanks, Darling.”

We tried it & loved it

Here’s what one mother shared after a SoSooper workshop where she and her three year old daughter enjoyed such a conversation:

“My daughter was probably a little bit young (only 3) and I think was struggling to really engage with the activities. However, even though she dealt with it on her level, I think she still got a lot out of the experience – and found it nice that it was a time where mummy was ready to listen to her and find out what she found fun and loving about being in our family.

This workshop reminded me that we do all right as a family (eating together, playing together, respecting each other). As I’m sure you know only too well – it’s a tricky job, mummying, and can seem very unrewarding sometimes. If I were a business, (actually I’m a secondary school teacher) I wouldn’t put up with clients who were so demanding and so seemingly ungrateful for all my efforts. I think what you’re doing is so important – just like in any job, you have training for that ‘shot in the arm’ of enthusiasm and clarity to do your job better every day. Parents need that more than anyone!”

Download Free Tools

SoSooper prepared some worksheets for you:

  • to prepare
  • to succeed
  • to remember

Click here to get your free downloads.

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Boy building blocks

12 + 1 Gifts to build respect and collaboration at home

‘Tis the season to be jolly.  Home sure is more fun when kids (of all ages) act their best.

Speaking respectfully.

Seeking solutions (vs. blame).

Giving a helping hand… Continue reading “12 + 1 Gifts to build respect and collaboration at home”

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“I love you, Mom & Mom loves me. Here is how I know.”

Dear Readers,

Thanks to those of you who answered our Mother’s Day survey.  It was a first and we learned

  • from our mistakes
  • about your challenges
  • how you, mothers, are deeply loved (play with the interactive image below)

As a reminder, we are developing tools to help parents’ life be easier and more fun.  I’ll share how your insights help us move forward.

From bloopers to blooming: learning from mistakes

More than 175 of you began the survey and only 50 of you finished it!  We tried to make the survey cute and pretty…it ended up being complicated!

K.I.S.S.  Keep It Simple Sweetie works at home as well as with surveys.  Good to remember.

K.I.S.S. 'Keep It Simple Sweetie' works with every audience of any age. Valuable & respectful philosophy. Click To Tweet

Home Organization & Chores is ONE BIG PAIN

Even with our small response group, you CLEARLY indicated the challenges of getting life done.  You also indicated that children are not often part of the solution…yet 🙂

We are working on how to help alleviate your challenges in the couple (2nd most stressful) and those with the kids through ways to encourage children to help at home.

“I Love You Mom & I know you love me.”

Enjoy playing with the image below which depicts the ways kids know they are loved and the ways they share their love for you.  These answers are weighted.  Some highlights:

  1. Your son and daughter LOVE going out on outings with you and spending special time with you.
  2. They feel loved (and love Mom back) when they receive your attention.  Being listened to and being seen ranked high in importance.
  3. Love is recognized though smiles and joy-filled expressions.
  4. Kindness ranked higher than hugs!
  5. Wild cards
    • As the mom of 4 boys who spent inummmmmmerable hoooooouuuurs in the kitchen, I loved the tykes who appreciated mom’s cooking 🙂
    • This answer generated a reaction deep in my soul:  when kids knew they were loved because mom trusts them.  Only a sprinkling of families mentioned this.  May our SoSooper tools build mutual trust chez vous and chez moi too.

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Discover the kids’
loving thoughts


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Download these loving thoughts

…and post them on your fridge.   Click here.

They’re a great discipline and encouragement tool.

For Discipline

Try it with humor when your child misbehaves.

“Remind me, darling, which way are you tell me that you love me?”

For Encouragement

Let the image be your reminder to share how you feel.

“When you smile and dance, I know you feel loved and THAT make ME feel absolutely marhvelooos dahrling!!!”

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With many thanks and deep appreciation for your time on the survey.

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Positive Time Out and Chore Charts in Flooded Grey Paris

Rain, rain, go away.  It’s been raining in France for weeks.  The Seine river is overflowing, and muddy water oozes into homes.  Trendy houseboat dwellers now row home!

There is a parallel for our families:  How can we parents protect our children from flooding emotions and dark moods?

Read below about:

  • Paris greyness and photos of the flooding Seine River
  • The Louvre museum closing.
    How about if family members took a Positive Time Out too?  Find out what it is and how it worked for parents, teens, & kids.
  • Protecting art treasures in the Louvre from the flood.
    How could we parents protect our emotional treasures such as one-on-one time?  Our family did it through chores with the help of Chore Charts.  We are sharing keys to great chore charts and lessons learned from our mistakes.

Enjoy!

Overflowing Seine with debris
Recuperating debris floating down the Seine. Yes, that is the Eiffel Tower hidden in the mist.
Pont de l'Alma during Paris flood
Hit your head under those bridges!
Frigate in Paris during flood
Switch of boats. The ancient frigate is now out on the water while the tourist boats sit at dock.
Quai d'Orsay during Paris flood
No more road. Take a boat to get to your boat!

50 000 Shades of Paris Grey

It’s a grey day in Paris.  We’ve had rain for weeks and the flooding Seine river leaked into the basements of river-side homes.  On June 3 folk still don padded jackets and woolen scarves.  At this time of year Parisian ladies usually strut in bright colors, reserving black for their sunglasses.  Today, the fall garde-robe is back on the street:  chic black from head to toe.

Parisians and tourists alike feel cheated.  This is not the weather it is supposed to be.  Spring, where art thou?  When did Paris become the City of Indirect Light?

The Louvre museum closed its doors today to move their art treasures stored in the basement to a safer spot.   

Only the security guards stood in the queues.  Slow business day for the trinket salesmen chasing the few tourists mulling about the Glass Pyramid and wandering the grand palatial esplanade.

Could parents learn from the Louvre during our times of flooding emotions, debris floating through our communication, streams, and cold fronts settling into homes?

What would our homes be like if we “closed down for the day” and “moved our treasures to a secure place”?

Take a Break…with a Positive Time Out

Pause.

I just did … and was surprised by sounds.  The bird chirping.  A boy bouncing a basketball.  A frustrated driver honking his horn.  Again. Water flowing through the pipes…

Try it.

Our Parisian life is SPEED and BUSY.  It’s a strain on relationships.  It’s tough on adults.  You can bet it’s a challenge to children.

And we wonder why our kids misbehave.

“Children do better when they feel better,” reminds us Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline.

In our home it means this:  my kids will benefit more from learning to unwind than from (yet another)

  • lecture (even a very intelligent one)
  • moment to “think about what they did wrong” (they are pondering on how not to get caught next time)

Brain science reveals that our human brains physically change shape when we are angry.  Our reasoning functions get “disconnected” which leaves us with raw emotion. Hardly helpful to resolve delicate differences.

Dr. Daniel Siegel explains the phenomena clearly with his short video.

Child psychotherapist Jeanette Yoffe enchantingly describes the kid version of Daniel Siegel’s hand model of the brain.  Show it to your children and you’ll gain a common understanding and LOTS LESS STRESS!

Jane Nelsen goes a step further and shows us PRACTICALLY how to create a physical and emotional space for our kids to reconnect and, once again, be at their best.  She calls this a Positive Time Out.  (Check out her sneak peak video and you’ll hear this insightful parenting expert explain it in her own words.)

It works for kids of all ages, from parents to teens to tykes.

Louvre is closed
Parisians dressed for fall weather on June 3, 2016.
Louvre with closed sign.
Fermee means C.L.O.S.E.D. Exceptional closing of The Louvre museum to move art treasures out of flood danger.
Vendors at Louvre
Golden Eiffel Tower sales plummet when the Louvre is closed.
Glass Pyramid of Louvre
No queues! …only on Closed for Flood Day.

Positive Time Out for Parents

Our family enjoys a Family Feedback where the kids give me feedback.  One year, our youngest told me “Mom, when you’re angry, go to your room.”

LOL!

I no longer have to be a “perfect mom” and think of calming down myself.  My kids tell me…kindly.

“Remember what to do when you’re angry….!”  “Mom, is this a good time for you to go to your room?!!!!”  and sometimes even, “I don’t know where you’re going, but, Mom, I am going to MY room. We’ll talk when you calmed down.”

My kids “parent” me.  What a freedom.  I can be human.  And still loved.  And avoid having the s____ hit the f____ and all that emotional clean up that comes along with the ugly scene.

This moment to regain perspective is so vital that Care for the Family even calls their parenting classes “Time Out for Parents” with special focus for Early Years, Teenage Years, and Children with Special Needs.

Positive Time Out for Teens

In France, school is not out yet for the summer.  It’s exam period.  My teens manage their stress and reconnect their brains with basketball, even shooting hoops on their own.

It’s rhythmic.  The ball goes bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, shoot and bounces again.

It engages body and mind.

It is respite.  On the court, Mom and Dad don’t badger them about their study plan!

Positive Time Out for Young Children

In my Positive Discipline parenting classes, one mother shared how Cuddly Corner helped her food-throwing daughter calm down.

They had previously created a space whose purpose was “to help Alice feel better.”  When the peas started flying through the air, Maman asked her screaming princess if she would be happier after a time in Cuddly Corner.  Alice stopped her pitching of peas in mid swing, thrust out her bottom lip, and whimpered, “Yyyyyyeeeeeeesssss.”

(Five minutes later Alice felt better and came to help mom sweep the floor.)

Positive Time Out works just as well in Paris as in California as in Sydney.  I love how fun, Australian mum Nae, blogger on Adventures at Home with Mum.  She writes about her son’s Chill Out Corner.  Nae (mother) and Dimples (son) gave the place a name that means something to them both.  It’s called marketing for your kids and Nae has done an awesome job engaging multiple senses like perfuming the space with Lavender Rice and providing Squeeze Balls to relax tense fingers.  It’s clearly a space where Dimples knows he has value and is loved.

The teachers at Queen Anne Elementary School in Seattle, WA developed a Positive Time Out space for their students.  Under a blue cloud that evokes sunny skies (!) children are invited to take a break, reset their brain, calm down, and find some peace.  There is a “je ne sais quoi” about Cloud City chez Queen Anne which we miss today in Grey Skies chez Louis XIV!

Preserve Treasures…such as Our Relationships

The Louvre museum time out has a purpose:  to save treasures.

empty Louvre Museum
‘Twas the Day of the Flood, and all through the Louvre, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”
Of course they don’t move. They are made of marble!
Empty halls of the Louvre Museum.
“Hellooooooooo?”

What are our family treasures and how are you and I preserving them?

My most precious resources are relationships and time.  Time flies.  Love lasts.

As the mother of four boys within seven years, I longed to have quality time, even one-on-one moments, with each child.  How?  Let’s be practical.

Quality Time Doing Chores

The solutions came unexpectedly and to my utmost amazement.  These precious exchanges happened doing chores!

Our family (that is, Me, Myself, and I) instituted a system of chores so that Mom would not be the maid.  As the only woman in the house, I conscientiously invest in teaching my future men to respect women.   Allowing them to expect the woman-of-the-house to clean up after their mess modeled the opposite beliefs.

I changed in order for them to change.

Soon my boys and I were doing similar housework.  If I was the maid, they were too.  Amazingly, they no longer thought of me as cleaner-upper!

Make a Chore Chart that Works for YOU

We tried multiple ways of organizing chores, always using a chore chart to facilitate communication and accountability.

Chore charts are like teeth.  Ignore them and they will go away.  To make a chore chart work with kids, parents need to follow through.  Inspection is a gift:  a job well done can receive recognition.

(Have you noticed the number of times we parents request something of a child and then ignore him when he’s done it?!  Would you rush to obey again too?! )

Our first attempt at organizing housework resembles the chart Ashley Langston posted on Frugal Coupon Living.  Like hers, we used images (only hers are much prettier).  🙂    Cute visuals make work more fun for everyone.

Nonetheless, we soon had to change.  “Clean up your room” (one of the jobs listed on Ashley’s chore chart and on mine too) requires verification.

We checked our chore charts before dinner.  Five minutes before mealtime I would go up to the children’s rooms and check for cleanliness.  My eyes hurt from the mess.

“Darlings, cleaning up happens before dinner.”

“It’s clean, Mom.” (!!!!)

“Clean means nothing on the floor and the bed is made.  I SHALL RETURN!”  And off I scurried to complete the finishing touches on the meal.

Five minutes later, I popped my head into their room.   The bed would be made with the toys under the covers…or half the floor was cleared up…or…

Inevitably, dinner was burnt.

If It’s Broke, Change the Chore Chart

So we tried something else.

Helping at home would include tasks that could be verified from the kitchen while I was preparing dinner. 

Opportunities abound:  setting & clearing the table, taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher, helping the cook, and helping for 5 minutes for whatever.

(To secure clean-ish rooms, we insisted on putting toys away before playing computer games.  Whoever was playing with a messy room was asked to stop playing for the day and was kindly and firmly oriented to his neatening up task.)

Every evening, one child and I would be work side by side for a few moments in the kitchen.  We learned to make them precious.   As Table-Setter-of-the-Week (we rotated chores on a weekly basis) laid out the forks and knives, I would learn about the boxing match during recess…from his perspective.  Between spinning salad and slicing carrots we explored ways to make up with his friend or to avoid bullies.

Another pair of hands might venture into Kitchen Territory during these discussions to be greeted with, “We’re having a Rendez Vous.  Could you come back later, please?”

They did, knowing that as they honored the parent-child-one-on-one-time of a sibling, he would benefit from the same respect during his turn.

A Chore Chart where Children Welcome Responsibility

Tsh Oxenreider’s Chore Chart for Preschoolers includes an added plus:  the kids make it.  She provides the children with the framework and the images (key success factor) of various tasks.

THE CHILDREN DEFINE WHICH TASK GOES TO WHOM.  Half, oops, two thirds of the job of getting chores done is convincing the kids to do them.  This chart enables tykes to choose their chore.

Since they decided on their job, they are more inclined to fulfill it.

This worked for us when my brother and his triplet boys came to visit.

How does ONE woman manage with NINE hungry men?  DELEGATION.

We settled the boys down with a list of chores and they worked out who did what.  Read here how they exclaimed, “I WANT vacuuming!”

Different Special Times for Different Folks

Samantha Kurtzman-Counter, President of  The Mother Company shares another feasible example of a simple way to change the way we spend our time to protect and cherish relationships.  In her video on Special Time she share how the first 15 minutes after coming in from work get dedicated to her son.

I used this example in a training for nannies who are mothers themselves.  They come home exhausted with their own children to bathe, feed, and check on homework.  And that’s before attacking the housework.

“How would your life be different if your children ate dinner fifteen minutes later?” I inquired.

After some debate they did conclude it wouldn’t make that a life-shattering change.

“How would your life be different if you had fifteen non-work minutes a day with your children?  You might just sit with them, listen, cuddle, look them in the eye, or play a game?”  Their eyes popped.

One nanny confessed, “I want to tell my kids ‘I love you,’ but most of the time I say, ‘I’m busy.’  These fifteen minutes would be transformative.”  Vive la (Home) Revolution!

 

Signing off….to snuggle next to my sons watching the Roland Garros women’s final on TV.  For this Parisian tennis tournament on June 4, Serena Williams dons leggings and a long-sleeved shirt.

The sun will come out tomorrow…?

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Enjoy Kids NOW. Oh so speedily, they grow up.

Dear SoSooper (and previously Home Is Fun) readers,

For eight years I (Denise) blogged on Home Is Fun and shared photos and life in a diversity-filled couple with four energetic boys, all born within seven years.

Time has flown. As Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, shares, “The days are long, but the years are short.”

The days are long, but the years are short. @Gretchen Rubin Click To Tweet
Boy-and-baby
“Fragile? What’s that mean?” Welcome home, tiny tot!
Terrible (and terribly funny) two's.
The terrible (and terribly funny) two’s.
Family-vacation-small-kids
Is this “vacation” or “extra work”?
Boy-guitar
When the guitar is bigger than they are…and nonetheless, the sound still rings out loud and strong! “Do you like my song, Mommy?” “I love you, darling. :-)”
Family-first-ties
First time wearing ties. Mixed responses…like to most novel experiences. Throughout Mom & Dad still put their best face forward.
Boy-electronics
When the generation gap stops being a concept but a daily reality.
"You can do it, darling."
“You can do it, darling.”
Kid_powder_skier
When finally all that practice pays off. After innumerable falls (and try-overs) they assert, “It was hard. And I did it!”
Family-pyramids
When the family encourages seeking adventure together…
Boy-extreme-sports
…and Mom & Dad worry when the children seek their next challenge to overcome.
Graduation
And in a few short years, they fly on their own. It’s what we hoped for them all along. Bye bye baby. HELLO NEW RELATIONSHIP!!!
Brothers hug
There was a time when I was in the energy-management business: expend theirs & conserve mine…
Boys grow up
…now the future’s so bright…they take the shades off for the photo 🙂

May YOU enjoy YOUR children NOW.  Before they grow up.

(And take pictures, no matter how bad a photographer you are. I did!)

Try spending 5 minutes this week simply observing one child without à priori. Just watch him/her.

Better yet.  Admire him/her.  

(Choose to do this for your “problem” child.  It’s transforming 🙂 )

This works for teens as well as for tots. They might engage you and ask you to join in a game. For these five minutes let them know that you are admiring them and will join them in a few moments. You can even invite them to put on the timer!
Parents who have done this exercise marvel at their children. They are indeed beautifully and wonderfully made!

For more family news, we celebrate 25 years of marriage! (Read about the glue that keeps us together.)

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Happy Birthday Wishes – Million $ Dollar Birthday Chair

One of our favorite Happy Birthday wish is to seat that special person in The Birthday Chair.

High Bang for Buck Happy Birthday Wishes

Boy blowing up balloons for birthday party
Wishing himself a Happy Birthday! “Can I help decorate the Birthday Chair?”
Happy birthday chair
Happy Birthday Wishes for ME!
Brother giving happy birthday wishes
Happy Birthday Wishes serenaded with the kazoo!

This balloon-decorated chair gets big bang out of little time, energy, and funds…and it does it every year. For less than $1, your precious child feels like $1 Million!

Decorate one chair BIG TIME: at least 6 balloons and as many streamers. The chair goes in the middle of the room where the kids (of all ages) gather for the presents.  At Birthday Cake time, he gets the star seat.  It’s the throne on which he reigns during the Birthday Story Telling.

Make it ultra special by kindly yet firmly reserving it for the birthday child; it’s part of letting him know he is one precious kid.

Happy Birthday Wishes – Telling the Birthday Story

Do you know what happened the day you were born? Loads of people—and surely your child—want to know about theirs.

Regale your precious one with nuggets of news.

“Dad admired you first. Mom could not see past her tummy!”

“When I took you in my arms, I discovered an additional love. It wasn’t sharing the love I had for others; it was MORE.”

“You were almost born in the taxi!”

Easy Peezy Happy Birthday Wishes

– Tie up balloons into bunches of three.

We use extra-long strands of ribbon and curl the edges…à la gift wrap.

Why 3’s? One three-balloon group has LOADS more impact than three singles. Try it; you’ll be convinced too.

By the way, florists recommend displaying flowers in odd numbers (think 13 red roses, but not next to the balloons).

– Use multiple colors, sizes, and shapes of balloons.

(If you’re using long balloons, include two long ones in your bundle of three, and choose your colors intelligently. Word from the embarrassed wizened!)

– Tie the bundles to the chair so that balloons are visible from all angles…think photo opportunity.

– Throw curly-cue party streamers on top of the concoction…even better, get the siblings or your child’s friends to do so. The Birthday Chair will gain in precious-ness.

The kids revel in the Birthday Chair every year. Grandma does too.

Birthday_Wishes_Grandma_3
Grandma, in her Birthday Chair, sharing her happy wishes…at the liberation of Paris after WWII!
Birthday_Wishes_Grandma
Oh, the Happy Birthday fun for kids of all ages in the Birthday Chair.

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Encourage Appropriate Behavior in Kids: Parenting Tips inspired by Snow!

It has been snowing all week.  Every day.  All day.  Every night.

We go to the mountains to have snow, but deeeeep down, here is my real wish:  I awake every morning to optimal ski conditions.  Abracadabra.

Snow fall, ski slope grooming, and snow plowing would have all happened during my sleep 🙂

Do parents have a similar wish for their children’s good behavior?

Mom or Dad ask for a clean room.  Like magic children’s toys are put away, the floor in spotless, the books are neatly stacked on the bookshelves, the bed is made, and the desk is cleared and ready-for-work.  “Aussitôt dit.  Aussitôt fait.”  Say the word, and it’s done.  Just to our liking, no less!

No need for any teaching, training, or follow through!

We moms and dads must have received our parenting tips straight Mary Poppins and Nanny MacFee.  Or maybe our children were born with an innate understanding of what parents consider appropriate behavior…

Ski cabin "Shelter" in snow
“Abri” means shelter

Children skiing and falling in snow

Cars covered in snow

Appropriate Behavior – Down to Earth Parenting Reality

Just as we adults benefit from training in our jobs, children benefit from training in order to be able to behave well.

Like adults who get training in our jobs, children benefit from training in order to perform well. Click To Tweet

Think about it.  Did our sons and daughters clean their room in the womb?  Did our babes learn proper table manners at the breast?

We parents often teach through discipline.  We tell our kids what is wrong.  “Your room is messy.”  “Elbows off the table, please.”    

How do they find out what is desirable behavior?  Is there a more appropriate and encouraging way than through trial and error?

Would you like your boss to keep on telling you, “NO,” until you get it right?  How motivating is that?!

Snow Inspired Parenting Tips for Teaching Kids

1. Enjoy the magic of NOW

Earth stills when snow falls. 

Sounds are muted.  Senses are chilled.  Worries from the office seem faaaaaarrrrrr away.

These extraordinary apprenticeship years of our kids are precious and last such a short while.   Sooner than later our kids graduate and move out.

What life skills and talents do our children take with them as they go out on their own?  THIS is our parenting vocation.

My mother is celebrating a BIG birthday and we are writing her letters of thanks.  I realized that I have many more memories with her AFTER having left home than while I was a child.

The birthday parties I recall through photos.

Here is what I remember through experience and which lives in my soul:  the ambiance of love, the assurance that she had time for me, and her belief in my potential (especially when I acted out of line).

These qualities are communicated by savoring the present.  The magic of small successes.  Noticing appropriate behavior.  Appreciating hard work.  Encouraging me to persevere.

Aren’t those life skills you wish to pass onto your darlings?

Happy grandma cuddling children

Loving grandmother keeps grandkids coming home

 

Admiring grandmother taking photos

2. Slow down before crashing

I love skiing FAST.

Except when there is no visibility and I wonder if I am about to speedily crash and plant my face into fresh powder.

When it snows, it is time to slow down.  Just a tad.

When your child misbehaves, might it be an invitation to shift into a lower gear? 

  • What is the cause of the inappropriate behavior?
  • Do the children even know exactly what is expected of them?
  • Do they have the capability of carrying out those tasks?
  • What could help them succeed even better?

In manufacturing circles, we refer to a bottleneck: THE operation that slows the entire process down.

No matter how much we improve other aspects of the manufacturing cycle, the process will only improve when we address THAT critical juncture.

Where is the weak point in your child’s ability to carry out your request?  Slowing down helps you observe your sweethearts and identify their appropriate behavior “bottleneck.”

Are they not listening to instructions?

That’s a sure guarantee of misbehavior!  So, the parenting issue to address is getting their attention before giving instructions.

Bend down to their level, make eye contact, smile, and THEN stipulate, “Honey, it is time to clean your room.”

Do the toys not have a home?

Playthings are tumbled into a box.  To reach that one desired game, your child rummages through the entire stack (a.k.a. dumps them all over the floor).  The issue is too many toys or finding a better way to store games.

“Sweetheart, you like a comfy home.  Your toys want to be more comfortable too.  Here are two boxes: toys-at-home and toys-on-vacation.  Do you want to choose which toys go on vacation this week or should I?  YOU can change every weekend!”

Slowing down helps identify your child’s unique bottleneck.

3. Break down the big job into smaller steps.

When it snows, visibility is reduced which renders many skiers less comfortable on the slopes.  That’s when we CONSCIOUSLY rely on ski technique:  bending down further to propel us through the turns in heavy snow, maintaining supple knees to  absorb obstacles we no longer see, keeping our body weight correctly balanced over the skis…

Many of these gestures we do without thinking…until it snows and we once again recall and apply our technique.

In a similar way, when training the kids, why not break down a large task into its many smaller bits.

If our initial instructions (ex. clean your room) seems foggy to the kids, let us help them return to their comfort zone by reviewing the individual steps required for success of the total “project” (and securing appropriate behavior can seem like a PROJECT).

A clean room means

  • Nothing on the floor
  • The bed is made…and nothing is hiding under it
  • Clothes are put in the appropriate drawers
  • Toys and books are placed their assigned home
  • The desk has space to be able to work correctly

Appropriate room cleaning behavior: make bed

Appropriate room cleaning behavior: stack books

Appropriate room cleaning behavior: clear desk

Think of our children’s tasks like a gourmet dish.  There is a recipe to follow.  Step by step.

If it’s good enough for the best chefs in the world, I’ll give it a go in our home too 🙂

4. Specify the criteria for “acceptable behavior” and “very well done.”

After snowfall, some slopes get plowed and others are left virgin.  Different strokes for different folks.

A good skier can master the smooth surfaces even with minimal visibility.  An excellent skier dances through the powder.

“Sweetheart, a cleanish room is when the bed is made and the clothes are off the floor.  A super-dooper-totally-awesomely-amazingly-clean room is when you also put your socks in the sock drawer, your shirts in the shirt drawer….”

5. Celebrate performance

A steaming hot chocolate and warm (greasy) fries taste especially delicious when coming in from difficult ski conditions.

“Darling.  Well done.”

Teen boys and kids warming up from skiing

Upon leaving our mountain chalet, we clean up.  Kids help with the chores.  During one vacation with my sister and her family, our Make-A-Loud-Fuss son resisted doing his job:  to clean the bathroom sink & mirror.

She taught him the secret to super-shiny-bathroom-cleaning (Spray the chrome with window cleaner.  It sparkles!) and off he went.

He made the chrome sparkle.

My sister rounded up the crew of siblings and cousins and they ALL marched to the bathroom to recognize a job well done.

Since that day, Mr.Fuss REQUESTS bathroom cleaning.  He is the recognized family expert on appropriate bathroom cleanliness.  We have delegated to him the responsibility of coaching his brothers on quality control.

That’s a win-win situation!

Children parade to congratulate appropriate behavior
Ready? Set. Go! checking out the spotless bathroom.

Children parade to check out clean bathroom

Proud teen and admiring brother
Our cool dude still takes pride in “clean.”

Helping our Kids Learn Appropriate Behavior

How would you and your family’s life be different if you took a fresh look at a “bad news” situation?

  • What one special thing can you appreciate about this time of life right NOW?
  • What is REALLY happening? Slowing down enables fresh observation.
  • What behavior do you, the parent, desire? What are intermediate steps?
  • How can you help your children differentiate between good and great?
  • How will you encourage REPEATED excellent behavior?

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When children love you, it’s easy for us parents to love them.
Then they’re the days when Mom and Dad struggle to speak to them civilly…and the kids don’t even try.
Loving one’s progeny on those days takes creativity, perseverance, and strategy. Read on for encouraging tips.

Continue reading “Loving Kids is a Daily Choice”

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