How to take risks with confidence – Insights from Elisabeth Moreno, CEO France of Lenovo
Time Optimization Tips from the Olympics
Time management matters when nanoseconds make the cut for an Olympic medal.
That’s the case with champion women’s skicross Fanny Smith, from Villars-sur-Ollon, who won the bronze medal in the Olympics at PyeongChang. Our children learned to ski in Villars and I too felt that thrill of the locals when she earned her medal.
On our local slopes we don’t see these; they are prevelant at the Olympics. The blue lines on the slopes.
Optimize Time with Success Lines
These markers help racers and coaches trace the optimal path to follow. It’s literally their time-optimization guide. Stay within the lines to go faster.
How do you track the optimal path and reach your goals fast? For your life? For your work? For your relationships?
Time management is an issue for many of us. Few of us can afford hours retracing our steps. And yet many of us do so with relationships. Building positive rapport between people takes time…and it takes even longer to clean up after the s*@! hits the fan.
Too far off these blue lines and the skiers crash and forfeit the race.
If you find yourself impatient or frustrated or repeating yourself, it’s time to consider. Might something be out-of-focus: either your goal or the path to get there?
Save Time & Fix your objective
I begin many workshops with an activity* to bring our goals into clear focus.
Step 1—List the Time Consuming Challenges
What zaps your time and energy in relationships? We clear out what blocks our vision by naming these challenges.
For a workshop for managers of Millennials, we wrote down “Challenges Working with Millennials.”
Participants chime in: resistance to rules, attached to the phone, in need of perpetual feedback, (too) high view of his (untested) capabilities, and even spelling mistakes.
Maybe you don’t work with the Gen Y. Then tweak the question to match your work dynamics:
- Challenges of working with off-site teams
- Challenges of working in Finance/Legal/Marketing in an industrial group
- …
This process of listing difficulties creates a positive group dynamic and opens communication. Everyone realizes we sweat and worry over similar predicaments. In expressing these shared relationship challenges, we give ourselves and each other the permission to be human and to learn.
Expressing the negatives has the effect of letting dust settle. The atmosphere is lighter and we are ready to clearly focus on the positives we seek.
Step 2—Identify the Team Skills to Build
We then create a separate and complementary list to bring the leadership goals into focus. These are the skills managers seek to transmit to their teams to create a motivating and performing work environment. We enumerate them under, “Qualities of our Team’s Culture.”
Of course, you seek to develop technical capabilities: mastery of financial analysis or digital marketing tool. You ALSO aim to build communication and soft skills: trust, mutual respect, learning from experienced team members, learning from youth, seeking excellence…
Step 3—Assess
Once the two lists are completed, we step back to review them side by side and invite comments from everyone
Some participant are motivated: “I had not thought of myself in the leadership development business. How inspiring!”
Others balk: “What pressure. I don’t master all those soft skills. How can I pass them on to my team?”
Many have questions: “Do I have to do all of them at once?” and “So, what is the link between the two lists?”
Step 4—Use Time Optimizing Success Lines
Success lines help us identify where we are and where to aim. They’re like a GPS.
These lists represent our leadership GPS.
The challenges point to our present situation. “You are here.” This is where we have arrived using our current leadership style. This is also where you will stay by continuing with your actual managerial tools.
The qualities represent our desired destination. Like when your team members jump out of bed in the morning with enthusiasm to get to work and engage with a dynamic team. Or when colleagues seek you or your employee out for greater responsibilities.
Focus, Focus, Focus
But you may wonder, “It’s just a list…”
Correction. It’s a lens.
You get what you measure. When your bonus is set on profit, you’ll likely avoid high volume, low margin customers.
“Human systems grow in the direction of their deepest and most frequent inquiries.” – David Cooperrider, founder of Appreciative Inquiry, Case Western University
Our leadership focus is what we generate in our team. Your and my focus matters because it changes our actions.
“The act of looking for certain information evokes the information we went looking for—and simultaneously eliminates our opportunity to observe other information.” – John Wheatley, quantum physicist
When we talk, model, clarify, and encourage the qualities we seek in our team, we create clear success lines. And that saves tons of time…and money, and energy, and good spirits.
Positive Communication Tools
A clear focus is the first among many tools to build the qualities in your Leadership GPS. Check out the workshops to discover others and how to develop them in your team.
Leadership GPS Works In Life too
This optimizing GPS applies in personal relationships as well.
When our four boys were young I embarked on a husband-improvement-program. As a woman, I KNEW how to be a great dad!!!
Every day for one month I noted one helpful behavior my husband did for the family and let him know my appreciation. “Honey, thanks for having done the dishes. It’s really nice to finally relax after having put the kids to bed.”
I anticipated behavioral modification in my husband. This process changed me.
My previous focus lay on the mountain of chores to be done and how my husband did not do his part. My tone of voice often sounded critical. When focusing on his contributions, I became more enjoyable to be around. Maybe he became more involved or my company became more pleasant; either way, we ALL (sons included) do chores.
Ranking high on the list of “Dampierre Qualities to Groove Together” (our family GPS) you’ll find:
Everyone in the family helps.
Food for thought
- How many times a day do you focus on what is going wrong? On what is going right?
- How time effective is your critique?
- Your critique is welcome here. What do you disagree with in this post?
Tell us in the comments. Thanks.
Cover photo from lacote.ch
6 Insights to Dream Big for Your Family from Martin Luther King Jr
Today we celebrate the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. Many remember this inspiring leader in the human rights movement for his speech “I Have A Dream.”
What is your dream for your family?
What do your children dream for their own future?
(Check out our workshop for teens)
1. Dream for Your Family & Empower Kids to Dream Too
Learn from this great man to dream big and empower others to have a vision.
It’s OK to dream big even when the situation looks dire
“I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulation. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail … I say to you today, my friends, though, even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream…” MLK Jr
You and I can limit ourselves.
We can allow ourselves to hope what is feasible – the Basic-Fix-Dream rather than THE GRAND-VISION.
If our children dislike school, we aim for passing grades. Could we dare for a passion for learning?
When siblings fight, we hope for “no blood.” Can we envision them as co-builders of an amazing venture?
You may be familiar with these nine dots.
The exercise consists of passing through each of these dots once with four straight lines. No more, no less, no curves.
Try it.
The clue? Get out of the square. In fact, there is no delimited zone. The nine dots are in the shape of a square and folks like you and I apply the boundaries.
Dreaming means setting sights high…
…then following through with an action plan.
2. Powerful dreams tap into a common heritage, a larger-than-me mission
“It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up, live out the hue meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.’”
According to psychologist Dr. Alfred Adler, grandfather of Positive Psychology, a communal vision which benefits your community, be it family, neighborhood, friends, or more taps into our basic human needs of belonging and contribution which he describes as “Gemeinschaftsgefuehl .”
A community goal brings along with it a network of supporters.
It takes a team to reach the stars. Set a dream that motivates and engages all.
Co-dream. And co-labor (collaborate).
Which of your children’s classmates will want to help your kid be better than everyone else? (or vise versa)
3. Live the vision
Walk the talk. Be a dreamer whose actions speak louder than words.
The US constitution declared all men of equal value. And yet they were not treated as such.
Are you ambitious for your child? What qualities do you dream for them?
- Respect of self and of others
- Love of excellence and effort
- Wise decision-making
- Curiosity and tolerance
- …
Let your children witness it through your actions.
- Speak to the children with respect…even when they act without thinking
- Stick to your commitments, like when you say, ‘I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”
- Allow them to live the uncomfortable consequences of their own unwise decisions when the stakes are low. Misplacing a 10 cent coin is less painful than losing €1000.
- Listen actively to understand their perspective before jumping to conclusions
THAT is dreaming with credibility and conviction. Our example convinces our kids of the value of our hopes.
4. Dream with valor
Martin Luther King Jr ignites our fire when speaking of brotherhood, transformational peace-making, and character.
A dream worth living for is one worth dying for too.
Who do you want with you as you end your days here? What do you want said of you and for them to share with each other? NOW is the time to plant those seeds.
For me, I want the “F.U.N.” back in funeral. It’s because I celebrate life today that I hope folk will remember me with a smile GRIN in later years.
5. Clearly define success
“…little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.”
A clear goal vitalizes both you and your co-dreamers.
Visualizing is a technique many leaders adapt to help them define their objectives.
A friend shared her experience at a career change workshop she attended. The facilitator invited participants to close their eyes and to think of their ideal (dream) job.
“Now visualize the office in which you are working.”
And they proceeded with another dream session.
“Describe your colleagues. Their age, what they are wearing, their facial expressions…”
Specifics make the dream more real…and realizable.
6. Seek strength for the LONG (loooooong) haul
“This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with… With this faith we will he able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will he free one day.”
In our quick win world, how can we prepare for valiant dreams that require sacrifice and persistence?
Performance experts assert that it’s not talent that keeps people from reaching their goals; it is lack of consistency which engenders lackadaisical results then discouragement and finally giving up.
In what will you place your faith? Where will you find your source of strength?
The question is not “if” you will require boosting and encouragement.
The issue is WHEN.
Martin Luther King Jr found his from the God of the Bible. It did not make him into a perfect person. It made him united with others AND able to take a stand alone, peaceful AND powerful, patient AND courageous.
WOW.
Set and Reach Goals – Your GPS
Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude
Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents
A Family Meeting for your family in your home
facilitated by Denise Dampierre, Positive Discipline educator
How to receive this gift? Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.
A Family Meeting is an opportunity for children to give feedback to parents, both about what they appreciate in family and areas where they would like to see change. Parents always seem intrigued…then wary. “What if the kids will make a laundry list of our faults and we will feel overwhelmed?”
With a clear and positive structure, Family Meetings are enjoyed by all!
Today’s gift is a Family Meeting in your home with your family held under the guidance of Positive Discipline trained Denise Dampierre. After a brief introduction, you will begin the Family Meeting by sharing thanks. What each family member appreciates in the other. Then we will broach issues to change and close by celebrating your family.
This structured discussion lasts 30 plus minutes, depending upon the number and ages of the children.
The sharing of THANKS sets the tone for the Family Meeting.
An attitude of gratitude also sets the tone for this gift-giving and gift-receiving season.
The Christmas Nightmare
You may have experienced this too. It’s Christmas morning and the SUPER-EXCITED kids are Ready. Set. GO. to open their gifts.
Son and Daughter rip off the wrapping paper (you spent hours to put on) and discard the shreds on the living room floor.
Then they wail. They did not receive The. ONE. Present. they oh-so-badly wanted. They gave you a list of 10 wishes and you offered them 9 and, oooops, you missed the right one.
Or it could be they don’t like the chocolates offered by Great Aunt Martha. Your child prefers milk chocolate with krispies, not this fancy (and expensive) stuff.
Or a sibling received better or more presents than they did….
The supposed-to-be magic festivities result in an emotional breakdown.
When Christmas Magic Means Fair
Parents work hard to prevent such a scene. We spend fortunes on our children. We make lists and compare the “value” of gifts so that the kids feel Christmas is “fair.” (Fair to whom? To you? To the child born in South Sudan?)
What about another approach? It might require a paradigm shift.
When Christmas Magic Means Thankful
Remember the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stewart. Stewart plays George Bailey, a kind-hearted man who regularly sacrificed his well-being for the good of others. One of these altruistic acts got him into major financial trouble. In desperation, George turns to the town’s banker-tyrant, Mr. Potter. Potter, referring to George’s life insurance policy, tells him
“You’re worth more dead than alive.”
That’s when George decides to take his life … but is given the chance to see what life would be like had he not been born. He is given the gift of glimpsing the value of his life which, in his discouragement he had been too blind to see.
It’s people’s thankfulness for George that transformed the situation. First came the change in attitude. This then enabled a reversal in circumstances.
Gratitude Characteristic
There’s a multiplier effect to appreciativeness.
Thankfulness opens the eyes to more gratitude.
Being thankful for a tree with flickering lights leads to gratitude for electricity, and an income to buy the decorations, and the dedication of the garbage folk who pick up the spindly debris (stuffed into those recycling bags of course!)
Gratitude Can be Taught
Gratitude can be taught!
Thankfulness is a mindset which develops through practice. Like any habit, the more we do it, the easier it is…and then it just comes naturally.
Like many new skills, it can feel awkward at the beginning. We all start somewhere.
Olympic medalists did with their sports.
We can too with our thanks.
So when folk shrug their shoulders and excuse their self-focus with “It’s just not part of my personality or part of my culture,” think again. It might not be part of their practice. Yet!
Olympians excel in their domain through a discipline training plan. So, what plan will you put in place to train yourself and the kids in gratitude?
Train as of Today
Advance step by step to encourage a thankful spirit (and preventing a Christmas Nightmare) in the next few days
- Today:
- Be an example of thankfulness. Say, “Thank you” five times today.
- As you put your child to bed ask them about one thing for which they are thankful today
- Tomorrow
- Be thankful out loud for something that you usually take for granted: electricity, sunshine, comfy sofas
- Say “Thank you” to your partner while your children are within earshot
- Share ONE Great Thanks to every child
- After-tomorrow
- Be thankful for this day. So excited to see what it will bring!
- Transform a “calamity” (spilled milk, dirty clothes…) into a question. What could you and I do differently next time? Say “Thanks for this time thinking of solutions together. I learned about you and felt heard too.”
- Share a train of thanks. “I’m thankful for a car. It makes it possible to visit Grampa and Grandma. I’m thankful that you have so many people who love you. I’m even thankful that I’m hungry because I’m looking forward to our meal together even more!”
- The day after that
- You decide!
Prepare for a great Christmas morning NOW by practicing thanks.
Take the time to practice.
Construisez la Confiance de vos Enfants
“Quelles compétences voulez-vous transmettre à vos enfants?”
C’est ainsi que nous commençons nos ateliers de Discipline Positive et les parents partagent une liste de qualificatifs comme celle-ci:
– Responsabilité
– Autonomie
– L’amour de l’excellence
– Empathie
– Le respect
– Le travail en équipe
– …
Le partage de tâches ménagères vous aide à transmettre ces compétences à vos enfants ET, SIMULTANÉMENT, vous facilite la vie. Ludocatix vous propose un tableau de corvée magnétique que vous et les enfants, ensemble, adaptez à votre style de vie.
Le Saviez-Vous?
Dans un sondage paru dans les Wall Street Journal et mené auprès de 1001 adultes américains, 82% ont déclaré qu’ils avaient des tâches ménagères lorsqu’ils étaient enfants mais seulement 23% ont indiqué qu’ils demandaient à leurs enfants pour les faire.
Que s’est il passé ?
Beaucoup de parents ont l’impression de charger leurs enfants de corvées et de se sentir coupables. Ou ils craignent que les corvées puissent avoir un impact négatif sur leur relation avec leurs enfants. Pourtant, la recherche démontre le contraire.
La recherche indique que les enfants qui font des corvées ont une meilleure estime de soi, sont plus responsables et font mieux face à la frustration ce qui contribue à une plus grande réussite scolaire.
Est-ce que ce ne sont pas les compétences que les parents veulent transmettre à leurs enfants ?
Le cadeau du jour est un tableau magnétique que vous pouvez créer avec vos enfants afin de les aide à se souvenir de leurs tâches ménagères de façon amusante et colorée.
10 Façons dont les Enfants Bénéficient des Corvées
Voici 10 raisons pour lesquelles les corvées sont bonnes pour les enfants … et donc génial pour vous aussi.
- Pour aider les enfants à se sentir nécessaire
Comment définissez-vous votre famille? Que faîtes-vous pour que vos enfants sentent qu’ils font réellement partie de la famille ? Dites aux enfants qu’ils ont un rôle à jouer pour contribuer au bien-être de tous. - Stimuler le gout de l’excellence
En ce qui concerne les corvées, les parents peuvent voir la qualité du travail et fournir une récompense. “Chérie, est-ce c’est du dentifrice rose que je vois dans l’évier de la salle de bain ?Un lavabo propre est un lavabo brillant et blanc. Montre-moi comment tu l’as nettoyé la dernière fois et nous trouverons une chose que tu peux faire différemment pour faire briller l’évier!” - Ne pas traiter les parents comme des serviteurs
Lorsque les parents font toutes les corvées, les enfants ont tendance à traiter ces derniers comme des serviteurs dont le but est de satisfaire leurs désirs. Quand les enfants participent aux corvées, leur respect pour leurs parents grandit. Ils ne vont pas traiter maman ou papa comme des serviteurs, parce qu’ils font la même chose! “Chéri(e), nous sommes une famille. Tout le monde participe.” - Pour enseigner la responsabilité
Le lave-vaisselle se vide tous les jours. Les déchets sont retirés plusieurs fois par semaine. Nous passons l’aspirateur régulièrement dans le salon. Les tâches ménagères sont des tâches récurrentes et les enfants apprennent l’importance de faire des efforts. - Gérer le temps
Les corvées nécessitent un peu de temps. Cela prend 5 minutes de mettre la table. 10 minutes pour nettoyer le couloir. 10 minutes pour passer l’aspirateur sous la table à manger. Une corvée régulière nécessite un enfant afin d’intégrer ces corvées dans leur emploi du temps quotidien. - Améliorer les résultats scolaires
La performance à l’école est souvent liée à des efforts continus et réguliers … tout comme les corvées ménagères. La maîtrise d’un sujet se développe peu à peu avec la pratique quotidienne. Les corvées donnent des résultats immédiats et renforcent ainsi la valeur de cet effort quotidien. - Pour construire l’empathie
Nous faisons des corvées au profit de tous les membres de la famille, pas seulement pour nous-mêmes. À un âge précoce, les enfants qui font des corvées apprennent à penser et à agir pour les autres. - Construire l’espoir pour leur avenir en tant qu’adult(e)
Les corvées deviennent vraiment du travail quand elles sont faites seules. Quand les enfants voient leurs parents toujours occupés avec les tâches ménagères et jamais disponibles pour eux, ils créent une vision triste de l’âge adulte : que du travail et pas de plaisir. Pourquoi sortir de l’enfance pour devenir l’esclave du labeur? - Devenir un partenaire plus attractif
En tant que mère de quatre garçons, je leur rappelle souvent : “ Si vous voulez attirer une femme de valeur, vous ne pouvez pas la traiter comme une servante. Traitez-la comme une femme de valeur! “ Et cela signifie faire votre part des corvées. - Pour être apprécié et reconnu
Le résultat des corvées est immédiat. Soit la table est mise, soit elle ne l’est pas. Et tout le monde dans la famille sait à qui c’est le tour de mettre la table à manger cette semaine. “ Chérie, c’est un très beau travail de plier les serviettes de cette façon. Je t’en remercie! ”
Finalement, nous n’avons même pas mentionné que les enfants préfèrent une maison propre, ils testent les compétences de négociation (“Est-ce que tu peux faire la vaisselle pour moi aujourd’hui et demain je passerai l’aspirateur dans l’escalier ?”)
Tableau des corvées
Comment passer de la théorie à la pratique ? Un tableau des corvées aide certainement. Et les cartes magnétiques colorées de Ludocatix le rendent plus facile à utiliser.
Les enfants et les parents travaillent ensemble pour décider qui fait quoi et quand.
Et à mesure que les enfants grandissent que leurs capacités évoluent et que les besoins de votre famille changent, eh bien, déplacez simplement les aimants pour mettre à jour le tableau !
Photo de Frank McKenna sur Unsplash
Build Kids’ Confidence with Chores
“What life skills do you want to transmit to your children?”
This is how we begin our Positive Discipline parenting workshops and invariably parents share a list of traits Thtlike these:
- Responsibility
- Autonomy
- Love of excellence
- Empathy
- Respect
- Teamwork
- ….
That’s why we love getting kids involved in chores: to transmit these skills to your children AND SIMULTANEOUSLY to make life easier for you.
Check out Ludocatix which creates magnetic chore charts which you and the kids, together, adapt to your home.
Do You Know?
In a survey of 1001 US adults, 82% said they had regular chores growing up but only 23% indicated that they require their children to do them, reports the Wall Street Journal in their article “Why Children Need Chores.”
What happened?
Many parents feel they burden their children with chores and feel guilty. Or they fear chores could negatively impact their relationship with the kids. Yet research demonstrates the opposite.
Research indicates that those children who do have a set of chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, and are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school.
Aren’t those the skills parents desire to pass onto their children?!
Today’s gift, a magnetic chore chart you can create with your children, helps them remember their chores in a fun and colorful way.
10 Ways Children Benefit from Chores
Here are 10 reasons why chores are great for kids…and therefore great for you too.
- To help kids feel needed
How do you define your family? What helps the kids know that they BELONG. When a child has a regular chore, the other family members COUNT ON HIM. He is needed; he has a role to contribute to the well being of all. - To build a love of excellence
Parents get to encourage quality in work as they observe how well a chore is completed. They are also able to provide immediate, usable feedback.
“Honey, is that pink toothpaste I still see on the bathroom sink? A clean sink is shiny and white. Show me how you cleaned it last time and we’ll find one thing you can do differently to make the sink glow!” - To not treat parents like the Maid of the Butler
When parents or house help do all the chores, kids tend to treat those who clean up like…servants whose purpose is to fulfill their desires. Parents have a higher calling! When children participate in chores, their respect for parents grows. They’re not going to treat Mom or Dad like servants, because they do the same thing!
“Darling, we are a family. Everyone helps. It’s what we do.” - To teach responsibility
The dishwasher gets emptied every day. The trash gets taken out several times a week. We vacuum the living room on a regular basis. Household chores are recurring tasks and children learn to the importance of ongoing maintenance effort. - To manage time
Chores require a little bit of time. It takes 5 minutes to set the table. 10 minutes to declutter the front hallway. 10 minutes to vacuum under the dining table. A regular chore requires a child to integrate these few minutes into their daily schedule. - To improve school grades
Performance at school is often related to ongoing, regular effort…just like chores. Mastery of a subject grows little bit with daily practice. Chores show immediate results and thus reinforce the value of this daily effort. - To build empathy
We do chores for the benefit of everyone in the family, not just for ourself. At an early age, chore-doing children get to learn to think of and act for others. - To build hope for the future
Chores truly become burdensome when they are done alone. When children see their parents always busy with household tasks and not available to play, they create a sad vision of adulthood: all work, no fun. Why grow out of child-like behavior if it’s to become a slave to toil? - To become a more attractive partner
As the mother of four boys, I remind them, “If you want to attract a woman of value, you can’t treat her like a maid. Treat her like a woman of value!” And that means doing your share of the chores. - To be appreciated & affirmed
The result of chores is immediate. Either the table is set or it is not. And everyone in the family knows who’s turn it is to prepare the table for dinner this week.
“Sweetheart, that’s a lovely job folding the napkins this way. Thank you!”
“Today we can thank Joe for the clean hallway. Thanks, darling. I really appreciate not tripping over backpacks.”
And we have not even mentioned that kids enjoy a cleaner home, they learn motor skills, they test negotiation skills (“Can you do the dishwasher for me today and I’ll vacuum the stairs for you tomorrow?”) and soooo much more.
Chore Charts
How to move from theory to practice? A chore chart sure helps. And Ludocatix’s colorful magnetic charts make it easy.
Children and parents work together to decide who does what when.
And as the children grow and their abilities evolve and your family needs change, well, just move the magnets around to update the chart!
Photo by Frank McKenna on Unsplash
Faites la Paix avec Quelqu’un
Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home
1 heure de coaching pour réparer une relation + des SMS quotidiens de suivis pendant 1 semaine avec Denise Dampierre
Comment recevoir ce cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous avez l’opportunité de gagner le cadeau grâce à notre tirage au sort. N’hésitez plus, la chance est avec vous !
Le cadeau du jour vous aide à vivre une vie sans regrets et à réparer vos relations. Vous recevrez une heure de coaching pour créer un plan de réconciliation et vous bénéficieriez d’un suivi SMS quotidien pendant 1 semaine pour vous encourager et modifier votre plan selon vos besoins.
Réconcilier ? C’est la Question
Obtenons l’avis sur ce sujet de personnalités connues :
Steve Jobs, fondateur de Apple entre autre
Quel que soit l’étape de la vie dans laquelle nous sommes en ce moment, au final, nous allons devoir affronter le jour ou le rideau tombera.
Faites un trésor de l’amour pour votre famille, de l’amour pour votre mari ou femme, de l’amour pour vos amis…
Que chacun agisse avec amour et occupez-vous de votre prochain.
Clayton Christensen, professeur à Harvard Business School. En parlant des relations parents-enfants :
Le temps de planter un arbre est avant que vous ayez besoin de son ombre.
Charmantes Dames
Que feriez-vous aujourd’hui pour que votre relation reste aussi forte et vive demain ?
L’histoire d’une maman
Voici un aperçu d’une conversation de coaching avec une mère de quatre enfants :
Maman: “Je ne veux pas faire face aux erreurs du passé que j’ai pu commettre avec mes enfants. Je suis humaine.”
S’excuser ? Non !
“Voici comment je traite mes erreurs du passé. C’est comme si je les balayais sous le tapis et les plaçais derrière moi pour que je ne les vois pas.”
Nous avons tous les deux beaucoup ri en imaginant la scène et ce que les enfants verraient : une mère souriante avec un tapis TRES CAHOTEUX derrière elle! LOL
Pendant que nous parlions, elle a admis que les débris se trouvaient vraiment entre elle et ces enfants, comme un obstacle à escalader pour gagner de l’intimité.
Maman: “Un petit obstacle n’est pas un problème.”
Coach: “Quel est votre objectif avec vos enfants? Avoir une grande intimité ou de petits problèmes? “
Désolé Semble Etre le plus Difficile des mots
“Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word” – le titre d’une chanson de Elton John
“Mais j’ai raison!”
Les parents peuvent se demander: “Pourquoi s’excuser quand j’ai raison?!”
Il faut deux personnes pour avoir un conflit. Très rarement une partie a 100% raison et l’autre a complétement faux.
En ce qui concerne le problème sous-jacent entre vous et votre enfant, vous avez probablement raison. La chambre a besoin d’être nettoyée. Il faut rentrer à l’heure après la fête. La façon dont vos enfants parlent aux aînés compte également.
Et le processus compte aussi. Peut-être avez-vous eu une réaction excessive ? Êtes-vous fermé aux commentaires de votre enfant qui voulait partager son point de vue ? Des distractions ont-elles limitées votre capacité à vous concentrer sur votre bien-aimé ?
Durant le coaching, j’aide les parents à savoir quand ils ont mis de l’huile sur le feu et que cela a entraîné des tensions dans la famille.
Ne soyez pas désolé de demander à votre enfant de ranger sa chambre. C’est votre devoir de parent.
Vous pouvez vous sentir attristé de lui crier dessus quand il ne vous a pas répondu après que vous lui ayez demandé de faire quelques choses plusieurs fois. “Et, chérie, est-ce que nous pouvons travailler ensemble de telle sorte que je ne sois pas tenté d’élever la voix parce que tu ne me réponds pas plus rapidement ?
“Est-ce que les excuses vous rendre plus faibles?”
Au contraire. Des excuses sincères de votre part vous rende authentique, une des qualités que les adolescents apprécient chez les adultes.
Marilyn Price-Mitchell, rappelle aux parents que le respect est assimilé à un exemple de comportement et de langage respectueux, et non à un acte “ d’’enseignement ” traditionnel (un discours). Même les jeunes enfants comprennent quand les adultes ne vont pas dans leur sens. À l’adolescence, ces messages contradictoires peuvent entraîner des divisions de plus en plus profondes entre les adolescents et les adultes.
(Marilyn Price-Mitchell est l’auteur du livre “Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reconquérir le pouvoir de la citoyenneté pour une nouvelle génération”. Psychologue du développement et chercheuse, elle travaille à l’intersection du développement positif de la jeunesse et l’éducation.)
Se réconcilier, c’est choisir d’aimer
Nelson Mandela disait :
“La rancœur est le poison que l’on boit en pensant tuer son ennemi.”
Se réconcilier ne signifie pas qu’un comportement incorrect devient tout à coup acceptable. Une mauvaise action reste mauvaise.
Réparer une relation, c’est choisir d’aimer même quand on a été blessé et d’oublier sa rancune pour avancer.
Se reconnecter met la priorité dans la relation plutôt que de se concentrer sur le manque de respect, le retard perpétuel, ou le comportement difficile de nos enfants.
Il se peu…
Il arrive souvent (mais pas toujours) que lorsqu’une personne reconnaisse ses torts dans un conflit, l’autre le fasse aussi.
Note: Ce coaching sera réalisé avec Denise Dampierre, une éducatrice spécialisée et certifiée en Discipline Positive. Si votre situation nécessite une expertise médicale ou psychologique, Denise peut vous recommander à un spécialiste.
Make Peace with Someone
Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents
1 hour Relationship Repair Coaching + daily SMS follow through for 1 week
with Denise Dampierre
How to receive this gift? Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.
Today’s gift helps you live a life without regrets and to repair a relationship. You receive 1 hour of coaching to create a reconciliation action plan and daily SMS follow through for a week to provide encouragement and tweak your plan as needed.
Let’s gain insights from wizened folk.
Steve Jobs, founder of Apple and much more
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.
Clayton Christensen, professor at Harvard Business School. In speaking about parent-child relationships
The time to plant a tree is before you need the shade.
Lovely Ladies
What will you do TODAY so that TOMORROW your relationships remain vibrant and strong?
A Mom’s Story
Here is a glimpse of a coaching conversation with a mother of four children:
Mom: “I don’t want to deal with past mistakes I may have made with my kids. I’m human.
Apologize? No!
Here is how I treat my past blunders. It’s like I sweep them under the rug and place them behind me so that I don’t see them.”
We both laughed as we imagined the scene and what the kids’ saw: a smiling mother with a VERY BUMPY rug behind her! L.O.L.
As we shared, she admitted that the debris really lay between herself and the children, like a hurdle to climb to gain intimacy.
Mom: “A small hurdle is not a problem.”
Coach: “What’s your goal with the children? Big intimacy or small problems?”
Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word
“But I am Right!”
Parents may wonder, “Why apologize when I am right?!”
It takes two people to have a conflict. Very rarely is one party 100% in the right and the other completely at fault.
Regarding the underlying issue between you and your child, you are probably right. The room does need to get cleaned. Curfew is to be respected. The way one speaks to elders matters.
AND process matters too. Might there have been an over-reaction? Were you closed to feedback and your child wanted to share his point of view? Did viable distractions limit your ability to focus on your loved one?
In the coaching I help parents realize where they may have added fuel to a slight tension flicker…which resulted in a full-blown flame.
Don’t be sorry for asking your child to clean his room. That is your parenting prerogative.
You can be sorry for screaming at him when he did not respond after you asked him numerous times. “And, darling, can we work out together a way that I won’t be tempted to raise my voice because you would respond more quickly?”
“Will apologizing make we look weak?”
On the contrary. A sincere apology for YOUR part of the conflict makes you authentic, one of the qualities teenagers appreciate in adults.
Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD reminds parents that respect is assimilated through language and modeling, not through the act of traditional “teaching.” Even young children understand when adults are not walking their talk. By adolescence, those mixed messages can cause deeper and deeper divides between teens and adults.
(Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD, is the author of Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reclaiming the Power of Citizenship for a New Generation. A developmental psychologist and researcher, she works at the intersection of positive youth development and education.)
We reconcile to choose to love. To reconnect.
Nelson Mandela is reputed to say,
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
Reconciling does not mean pretending that the incorrect behavior suddenly becomes acceptable. The mis-action remains wrong.
Repairing the relationship means choosing to love even when you have been hurt and to let go of the resentment so that you can keep thriving.
Reconnecting places the priority on the relationship rather than on the back-talk, perpetual tardiness, or any other of our children’s challenging behaviors.
Wonder!
It often happens (but not always) that when one person recognizes their part in a conflict, the other party admits their misdead too. Phew !
Note: This coaching will be with Denise Dampierre, a trained Positive Discipline educator and certified in Appreciative Inquiry. If your situation requires medical or psychological expertise, Denise can you recommend you to a specialist.
Give a Gentle Answer
Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents
Family Tickets to the “Calm Anger” Parent + Child Workshop
from SoSooper
How to receive this gift? Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.
Today’s gift invites BOTH disagreeing parties to join in fun activities and guided discussions to
- Clarify the issue of dispute
- Identify triggers to outbursts
- TOGETHER find solutions to gain agreement
- Make a routine chart to stay on track
Parents and children leave with a practical action plan to BOTH avoid outbursts AND resolve them quickly when they happen.
And it’s fun!
WHO is the REAL opponent?
The parent, the spouse, the child, or the issue?
Isn’t is amazing how a simple issue can suddenly escalate into a battle between parent and kid? In our coaching we hear worried parents ask, “What is wrong with my child?… What is wrong with ME?!”
Take heart.
“Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle.”
Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, in Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!
How to get out of arguing with children?
MAKE THE ISSUE THE OPPONENT.
Let parent and child partner together in finding a solution.
It takes two people to have an argument.
And BOTH arguers contribute to the disagreement and BOTH can orient the exchange towards peace.
Miller and Turansky remind us that the subjects we argue about are often not THAT important.
IT IS THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER.
Images by Madi Robson from Unsplash, SoSoooper, and LetMeColor.com
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