Calm Anger – Build Emotional Intelligence

How perplexing for a parent when his child bursts out in anger!

Where did THAT come from?

How to calm the fury?

How to avoid the anger?

Do you know?

Our brain – yours and your child’s – cannot reason when overcome with emotion.
That’s why we need to connect emotionally before we can “talk reason” to our child.

Join our Parent + Child Workshop

  • When:    Saturday, February 3 from 11:30 to 12:30 am
  • Where:     Génération Kfé, 43 rue de Naples, 75008 Paris
  • How much:    20€ per person (or monthly Génération Kfé pass)
  • With:    Denise Dampierre (me) – Positive Discipline educator,
    Mom of 4 boys, Harvard MBA

 

Teens, Define the Future YOU Want

RSVP workshopFor teens & pre-teens

Your Potential…the inspiration behind the workshop

Parents putting on pressure?

Are your parents are putting on the pressure?

  • “What are you doing about ______ !?”
    (your exams, your decisions for studies, your phone usage, your social life….your messy room)
  • “When will you ________ !?”
    (start working harder, be responsible, talk with respect…)

Those decisions sure don’t seem like fun so it’s easier to want to avoid them…and yet they don’t to away no matter how hard you try and ignore them.

As one teen put it, “Mom, Dad.  It’s like this.  Being a kid is fun.  Being an adult is work. I wanna have fun.”

Hummm…

Does EVERY adult frown ALL THE TIME?  (Probably not 🙂 )

Frowning Grinch...like mom and dad?

Is that who YOU want to become?

Take charge of your future.

Yes, YOU Can Be In Charge of YOUR Future

Do something great sign
Start today.

Do you know? YOU can make YOUR life meaningful, exciting, and fun.  And the best way is to start now.

In this workshop, we help you imagine the person you want to be and to launch your plan to get there.

What you get:

  • Tools to get your parents off your back (to help them have confidence in you)
  • Hope for the future and for YOUR future
  • Steps to grow into the person you want to be

Starts with Pizza … Learning through Games

Our workshop begins with pizza and introductions.

We do some brainstorming together as we eat (with our fingers).

We’ll play poker…betting with skills. You choose one or two life skills you want to win this year.

We’ll create a Parent-Trust-Me-&-Give-Me-Space Plan.

Your Take-Away

  1. A Positive Vision for YOUR Future
  2. YOUR Plan to develop one or two key life skills of your choice
  3. A plan to build parents’ trust and give you space
  4. A way to check throughout the year that you are one target with your goal

What will you tell my parents?

Our goal is for BOTH you AND your parents to grow.  YES.

Growth benefits from some key ingredients:

Trust

You can trust that what you share will be honored and respected.
Your parents can trust that their children are receiving wise and positive encouragement.

Some information does get shared with parents:

  • the agenda,
  • the topics of discussion

Some information remains privatewho says what.  (****Vitally IMPORTANT****)

Some information you may choose to share (we will discuss this as a group):

  • skills you discovered employers seek in their new hires
  • your strengths
  • your goals

Insights

We’ll be playing games (a revisited Pokemon Go, an adapted Poker) and engaging in activities where you will discover different views about life, yourself, and even your parents.

Your parents also grow through a refreshed perspective.  I invite all moms and dads who want to know more about the process, the philosophy, and the science-based psychology behind our activites to attend the workshop the week before.  (Click here to find out about future workshops)

About Me

I am a Harvard MBA, the mother of 4 boys, and certified in positive psychology coaching and training methods, namely Positive Discipline (to build cooperative and respect-filled relationships) and Appreciative Inquiry (to engage in individuals and groups in change management by building on strengths)

Is There More?

I’m interested in you.  It would be a delight to know how you are doing with your plan.  Your choice.  My (and hopefully yours too) pleasure.

Optional follow up by WhatsApp or Messenger Group or _____ (you decide)

RSVP workshop

Dad and daughter cuddling and smililng

Spell “love” T.I.M.E.

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

Gift Certificates to offer to your children and your spouse – “My Time, Your Way”
by Denise Dampierre of SoSooper

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Time as a present to offer

Money cannot buy time.  Not when it comes to time spent with kids.

Play-together-time often misses the Christmas list…AND yet, it’s the gift kids crave.

How does one “give” time?  How can one make it feel like a present?

That’s why we created these Gift Certificates.  Personalize with your child’s name and you signature, et voilà!  You have a valuable stocking stuffer you and your children will cherish.

Click here to download Gift Certificates.

Kids and Parents Learn Through Play

Play teaches children how to overcome boredom, to follow rules, to win and lose well.

Let kids direct the play (that’s your gift). You’ll discover them WHILE helping your child learn life-skills.

You thought your daughter was impatient? She spends ½ hour dressing and undressing a doll! That’ll stretch the fortitude of many adults.

One Mom’s Story

The first year I offered these gifts to my sons they all invited me to play their favorite video game.  “Oh, no! Wrong gift!” I thought.

These shared screen times taught me so much.  This time was “extra video time” for the children and since the intent was to share a moment together, they willingly spent 30 minutes teaching me why they like this particular game, what makes it exciting, and how to win.

I observed their skills (or lack of) in anticipation, in strategizing, in concentration, and more.

And the following week when they struggled with homework, we applied ideas from the game to help concentration.  “Let’s create levels.  When you finish your first math problem, you reach level 2!”

The next year, I gave each child two gifts of time. One could be used for games on screens. The other was for something else of their choice.  One child wanted to learn more about his bank statement.  Another wanted to go shopping.

I kept doing this for years, even when our eldest was in high school.  He asked for a visit to the ophthalmologist to see about contact lenses!

You Don’t Feel Like It

Screen games or doll dressing isn’t your cup of tea? Is homework theirs?

Look to the bigger picture.  You’re creating memories, proving their importance, and connecting on their level!  You’ll be amazed how that encourages them to seek to connect on issues of importance to you…like picking up their bags and coats in the front hallway.  Seriously.

The Children Don’t Feel Like It

Kids might act like they don’t want to play with you.

“Children often resist love when they need it the most,”

assert Dr. Scott Turansky and nurse Joan Miller, authors of Parenting is Heart Work. Be creative and kindly insistent. They might be testing the sincerity of your offer.

If the kids don’t want to play, consider admiring them for 15 minutes. No words. No judgement.  Simply seeking to understand them in their environment.

Say “Thank You”

That magic word for all ages concludes your time together on a positive note.

The Biggest Kid of Them All

How about playing with your spouse……! We’ve got a gift certificate for them too!

Gift Certificate for couple's romance
Gift Certificate for couple's romance

To receive Gift Certificates click here.

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash.com

Child giving kiss in thanks

Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

A Family Meeting for your family in your home
facilitated by Denise Dampierre, Positive Discipline educator

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

A Family Meeting is an opportunity for children to give feedback to parents, both about what they appreciate in family and areas where they would like to see change.  Parents always seem intrigued…then wary.  “What if the kids will make a laundry list of our faults and we will feel overwhelmed?”

With a clear and positive structure, Family Meetings are enjoyed by all!

Father mother son daughter in family meeting

Today’s gift is a Family Meeting in your home with your family held under the guidance of Positive Discipline trained Denise Dampierre.  After a brief introduction, you will begin the Family Meeting by sharing thanks.  What each family member appreciates in the other.  Then we will broach issues to change and close by celebrating your family.

This structured discussion lasts 30 plus minutes, depending upon the number and ages of the children.

The sharing of THANKS sets the tone for the Family Meeting. 

An attitude of gratitude also sets the tone for this gift-giving and gift-receiving season.

The Christmas Nightmare

You may have experienced this too.  It’s Christmas morning and the SUPER-EXCITED kids are Ready. Set. GO. to open their gifts.

Son and Daughter rip off the wrapping paper (you spent hours to put on) and discard the shreds on the living room floor.

Then they wail.  They did not receive The. ONE. Present. they oh-so-badly wanted.  They gave you a list of 10 wishes and you offered them 9 and, oooops, you missed the right one.

Or it could be they don’t like the chocolates offered by Great Aunt Martha.   Your child prefers milk chocolate with krispies, not this fancy (and expensive) stuff.

Or a sibling received better or more presents than they did….

The supposed-to-be magic festivities result in an emotional breakdown.

When Christmas Magic Means Fair

Parents work hard to prevent such a scene.  We spend fortunes on our children.  We make lists and compare the “value” of gifts so that the kids feel Christmas is “fair.” (Fair to whom? To you? To the child born in South Sudan?)

What about another approach?  It might require a paradigm shift.

When Christmas Magic Means Thankful

Remember the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stewart. Stewart plays George Bailey, a kind-hearted man who regularly sacrificed his well-being for the good of others.  One of these altruistic acts got him into major financial trouble.  In desperation, George turns to the town’s banker-tyrant, Mr. Potter.  Potter, referring to George’s life insurance policy, tells him

“You’re worth more dead than alive.”

That’s when George decides to take his life … but is given the chance to see what life would be like had he not been born. He is given the gift of glimpsing the value of his life which, in his discouragement he had been too blind to see.

It’s people’s thankfulness for George that transformed the situation.  First came the change in attitude.  This then enabled a reversal in circumstances.

George Bailey richest man in town

Gratitude Characteristic

There’s a multiplier effect to appreciativeness.

Thankfulness opens the eyes to more gratitude.

Being thankful for a tree with flickering lights leads to gratitude for electricity, and an income to buy the decorations, and the dedication of the garbage folk who pick up the spindly debris (stuffed into those recycling bags of course!)

Gratitude Can be Taught

Gratitude can be taught!

Thankfulness is a mindset which develops through practice.  Like any habit, the more we do it, the easier it is…and then it just comes naturally.

Like many new skills, it can feel awkward at the beginning.  We all start somewhere.

Olympic medalists did with their sports.

We can too with our thanks.

So when folk shrug their shoulders and excuse their self-focus with “It’s just not part of my personality or part of my culture,” think again.  It might not be part of their practice.  Yet!

Olympians excel in their domain through a discipline training plan.  So, what plan will you put in place to train yourself and the kids in gratitude?

Olympic skiier
Olympians began…
Little boy on baby skis
…like this.

 

Train as of Today

Advance step by step to encourage a thankful spirit (and preventing a Christmas Nightmare) in the next few days

  • Today:
    • Be an example of thankfulness.  Say, “Thank you” five times today.
    • As you put your child to bed ask them about one thing for which they are thankful today
  • Tomorrow
    • Be thankful out loud for something that you usually take for granted: electricity, sunshine, comfy sofas
    • Say “Thank you” to your partner while your children are within earshot
    • Share ONE Great Thanks to every child
  • After-tomorrow
    • Be thankful for this day. So excited to see what it will bring!
    • Transform a “calamity” (spilled milk, dirty clothes…) into a question. What could you and I do differently next time?  Say “Thanks for this time thinking of solutions together.  I learned about you and felt heard too.”
    • Share a train of thanks. “I’m thankful for a car.  It makes it possible to visit Grampa and Grandma.  I’m thankful that you have so many people who love you.  I’m even thankful that I’m hungry because I’m looking forward to our meal together even more!”
  • The day after that
    • You decide!

Prepare for a great Christmas morning NOW by practicing thanks. 

Take the time to practice.

Boy mopping floor doing chores

Build Kids’ Confidence with Chores

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

1 magnetic Chore Chart for parents & kids together
from Ludocatix  

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

“What life skills do you want to transmit to your children?”

Ludocatix chore chart

This is how we begin our Positive Discipline parenting workshops and invariably parents share a list of traits like these:

  • Responsibility
  • Autonomy
  • Love of excellence
  • Empathy
  • Respect
  • Teamwork
  • ….

Today’s gift helps you transmit these skills to your children AND SIMULTANEOUSLY make life easier for you.  Ludocatix offers you a magnetic chore chart which you and the kids, together, adapt to your home.

Do You Know?

In a survey of 1001 US adults, 82% said they had regular chores growing up but only 23% indicated that they require their children to do them, reports the Wall Street Journal in their article “Why Children Need Chores.”

What happened?

Many parents feel they burden their children with chores and feel guilty.  Or they fear chores could negatively impact their relationship with the kids.  Yet research demonstrates the opposite.

Research indicates that those children who do have a set of chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, and are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school.

Aren’t those the skills parents desire to pass onto their children?!

Today’s gift, a magnetic chore chart you can create with your children, helps them remember their chores in a fun and colorful way.

10 Ways Children Benefit from Chores

Here are 10 reasons why chores are great for kids…and therefore great for you too.

  1. To help kids feel needed
    How do you define your family?  What helps the kids know that they BELONG.  When a child has a regular chore, the other family members COUNT ON HIM.  He is needed; he has a role to contribute to the well being of all.
  2. To build a love of excellence
    Parents get to encourage quality in work as they observe how well a chore is completed.  They are also able to provide immediate, usable feedback.
    “Honey, is that pink toothpaste I still see on the bathroom sink?  A clean sink is shiny and white.  Show me how you cleaned it last time and we’ll find one thing you can do differently to make the sink glow!”
  3. To not treat parents like the Maid of the Butler
    When parents or house help do all the chores, kids tend to treat those who clean up like…servants whose purpose is to fulfill their desires.  Parents have a higher calling!  When children participate in chores, their respect for parents grows.  They’re not going to treat Mom or Dad like servants, because they do the same thing!
    “Darling, we are a family.  Everyone helps.  It’s what we do.”
  4. To teach responsibility
    The dishwasher gets emptied every day.  The trash gets taken out several times a week.  We vacuum the living room on a regular basis.  Household chores are recurring tasks and children learn to the importance of ongoing maintenance effort.
  5. To manage time
    Chores require a little bit of time.  It takes 5 minutes to set the table.  10 minutes to declutter the front hallway.  10 minutes to vacuum under the dining table.  A regular chore requires a child to integrate these few minutes into their daily schedule.
  6. To improve school grades
    Performance at school is often related to ongoing, regular effort…just like chores.  Mastery of a subject grows little bit with daily practice.   Chores show immediate results and thus reinforce the value of this daily effort.
  7. To build empathy
    We do chores for the benefit of everyone in the family, not just for ourself.  At an early age, chore-doing children get to learn to think of and act for others.
  8. To build hope for the future
    Chores truly become burdensome when they are done alone.  When children see their parents always busy with household tasks and not available to play, they create a sad vision of adulthood: all work, no fun.  Why grow out of child-like behavior if it’s to become a slave to toil?
  9. To become a more attractive partner
    As the mother of four boys, I remind them, “If you want to attract a woman of value, you can’t treat her like a maid.  Treat her like a woman of value!”  And that means doing your share of the chores.
  10. To be appreciated & affirmed
    The result of chores is immediate.  Either the table is set or it is not.  And everyone in the family knows who’s turn it is to prepare the table for dinner this week.
    “Sweetheart, that’s a lovely job folding the napkins this way.  Thank you!”
    “Today we can thank Joe for the clean hallway.  Thanks, darling.  I really appreciate not tripping over backpacks.”

And we have not even mentioned that kids enjoy a cleaner home, they learn motor skills, they test negotiation skills (“Can you do the dishwasher for me today and I’ll vacuum the stairs for you tomorrow?”) and soooo much more.

Chore Charts

How to move from theory to practice?  A chore chart sure helps.  And Ludocatix’s colorful magnetic charts make it easy.

Children and parents work together to decide who does what when.

And as the children grow and their abilities evolve and your family needs change, well, just move the magnets around to update the chart!

Photo by Frank McKenna on Unsplash

Boy mopping floor doing chores

Construisez la Confiance de vos Enfants

Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home

1 tableau magnétique pour partager les corvées entre parents et enfants
de Ludocatix 

Comment recevoir ce cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous avez l’opportunité de gagner le cadeau grâce à notre tirage au sort. N’hésitez plus, la chance est avec vous !

“Quelles compétences voulez-vous transmettre à vos enfants?”

Ludocatix chore chartC’est ainsi que nous commençons nos ateliers de Discipline Positive et les parents partagent une liste de qualificatifs comme celle-ci:

– Responsabilité
– Autonomie
– L’amour de l’excellence
– Empathie
– Le respect
– Le travail en équipe
– …

Le cadeau d’aujourd’hui vous aide à transmettre ces compétences à vos enfants ET, SIMULTANÉMENT, vous facilite la vie. Ludocatix vous propose un tableau de corvée magnétique que vous et les enfants, ensemble, adaptez à votre style de vie.

Le Saviez-Vous?

Dans un sondage paru dans les Wall Street Journal et mené auprès de 1001 adultes américains, 82% ont déclaré qu’ils avaient des tâches ménagères lorsqu’ils étaient enfants mais seulement 23% ont indiqué qu’ils demandaient à leurs enfants pour les faire.

Que s’est il passé ?

Beaucoup de parents ont l’impression de charger leurs enfants de corvées et de se sentir coupables. Ou ils craignent que les corvées puissent avoir un impact négatif sur leur relation avec leurs enfants. Pourtant, la recherche démontre le contraire.

La recherche indique que les enfants qui font des corvées ont une meilleure estime de soi, sont plus responsables et font mieux face à la frustration ce qui contribue à une plus grande réussite scolaire.

Est-ce que ce ne sont pas les compétences que les parents veulent transmettre à leurs enfants ?

Le cadeau du jour est un tableau magnétique que vous pouvez créer avec vos enfants afin de les aide à se souvenir de leurs tâches ménagères de façon amusante et colorée.

10 Façons dont les Enfants Bénéficient des Corvées

Voici 10 raisons pour lesquelles les corvées sont bonnes pour les enfants … et donc génial pour vous aussi.

  1. Pour aider les enfants à se sentir nécessaire
    Comment définissez-vous votre famille? Que faîtes-vous pour que vos enfants sentent qu’ils font réellement partie de la famille ? Dites aux enfants qu’ils ont un rôle à jouer pour contribuer au bien-être de tous.
  2. Stimuler le gout de l’excellence
    En ce qui concerne les corvées, les parents peuvent voir la qualité du travail et fournir une récompense. “Chérie, est-ce c’est du dentifrice rose que je vois dans l’évier de la salle de bain ?Un lavabo propre est un lavabo brillant et blanc. Montre-moi comment tu l’as nettoyé la dernière fois et nous trouverons une chose que tu peux faire différemment pour faire briller l’évier!”
  3. Ne pas traiter les parents comme des serviteurs
    Lorsque les parents font toutes les corvées, les enfants ont tendance à traiter ces derniers comme des serviteurs dont le but est de satisfaire leurs désirs. Quand les enfants participent aux corvées, leur respect pour leurs parents grandit. Ils ne vont pas traiter maman ou papa comme des serviteurs, parce qu’ils font la même chose! “Chéri(e), nous sommes une famille.  Tout le monde participe.”
  4. Pour enseigner la responsabilité
    Le lave-vaisselle se vide tous les jours. Les déchets sont retirés plusieurs fois par semaine. Nous passons l’aspirateur régulièrement dans le salon. Les tâches ménagères sont des tâches récurrentes et les enfants apprennent l’importance de faire des efforts.
  5. Gérer le temps
    Les corvées nécessitent un peu de temps. Cela prend 5 minutes de mettre la table. 10 minutes pour nettoyer le couloir. 10 minutes pour passer l’aspirateur sous la table à manger. Une corvée régulière nécessite un enfant afin d’intégrer ces corvées dans leur emploi du temps quotidien.
  6. Améliorer les résultats scolaires
    La performance à l’école est souvent liée à des efforts continus et réguliers … tout comme les corvées ménagères. La maîtrise d’un sujet se développe peu à peu avec la pratique quotidienne. Les corvées donnent des résultats immédiats et renforcent ainsi la valeur de cet effort quotidien.
  7. Pour construire l’empathie
    Nous faisons des corvées au profit de tous les membres de la famille, pas seulement pour nous-mêmes. À un âge précoce, les enfants qui font des corvées apprennent à penser et à agir pour les autres.
  8. Construire l’espoir pour leur avenir en tant qu’adult(e)
    Les corvées deviennent vraiment du travail quand elles sont faites seules. Quand les enfants voient leurs parents toujours occupés avec les tâches ménagères et jamais disponibles pour eux, ils créent une vision triste de l’âge adulte : que du travail et pas de plaisir. Pourquoi sortir de l’enfance pour devenir l’esclave du labeur?
  9. Devenir un partenaire plus attractif
    En tant que mère de quatre garçons, je leur rappelle souvent : “ Si vous voulez attirer une femme de valeur, vous ne pouvez pas la traiter comme une servante. Traitez-la comme une femme de valeur! “ Et cela signifie faire votre part des corvées.
  10. Pour être apprécié et reconnu
    Le résultat des corvées est immédiat. Soit la table est mise, soit elle ne l’est pas. Et tout le monde dans la famille sait à qui c’est le tour de mettre la table à manger cette semaine. “ Chérie, c’est un très beau travail de plier les serviettes de cette façon. Je t’en remercie! ”

Finalement, nous n’avons même pas mentionné que les enfants préfèrent une maison propre, ils testent les compétences de négociation (“Est-ce que tu peux  faire la vaisselle pour moi aujourd’hui et demain je passerai l’aspirateur dans l’escalier ?”)

Tableau des corvées

Comment passer de la théorie à la pratique ? Un tableau des corvées aide certainement. Et les cartes magnétiques colorées de Ludocatix le rendent plus facile à utiliser.

Les enfants et les parents travaillent ensemble pour décider qui fait quoi et quand.

Et à mesure que les enfants grandissent que leurs capacités évoluent et que les besoins de votre famille changent, eh bien, déplacez simplement les aimants pour mettre à jour le tableau !

Photo de Frank McKenna sur Unsplash

 

Woman gently holding vulnerable child

Give a Gentle Answer

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

Family Tickets to the “Calm Anger” Parent + Child Workshop
from SoSooper 

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Today’s gift invites BOTH disagreeing parties to join in fun activities and guided discussions to

  • Clarify the issue of dispute
  • Identify triggers to outbursts
  • TOGETHER find solutions to gain agreement
  • Make a routine chart to stay on track

Parents and children leave with a practical action plan to BOTH avoid outbursts AND resolve them quickly when they happen.

And it’s fun!

  

WHO is the REAL opponent?

The parent, the spouse, the child, or the issue?

Isn’t is amazing how a simple issue can suddenly escalate into a battle between parent and kid?  In our coaching we hear worried parents ask, “What is wrong with my child?… What is wrong with ME?!”

Take heart.

“Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle.”

Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, in Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

How to get out of arguing with children?

 

Boxing girl by Frank deKleine

MAKE THE ISSUE THE OPPONENT.

Let parent and child partner together in finding a solution.

It takes two people to have an argument.

And BOTH arguers contribute to the disagreement and BOTH can orient the exchange towards peace.

Miller and Turansky remind us that the subjects we argue about are often not THAT important.

IT IS THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER.

Images by Madi Robson from Unsplash, SoSoooper, and LetMeColor.com

Woman gently holding vulnerable child

Répondez avec Douceur

Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home

Billets Gratuits pour l’atelier “Calmer les colères” pour parents + enfants ensemble.
de SoSooper

Comment recevoir ce cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous avez l’opportunité de gagner le cadeau grâce à notre tirage au sort. N’hésitez plus, la chance est avec vous !

Voici un aperçu de l’atelier. A travers des jeux et des activités en famille, vous aborderez des discussions enrichissantes :

  • Clarifier les differends
  • Identifier les déclencheurs de crises
  • ENSEMBLE trouver des solutions pour obtenir un commun accord
  • Faire un tableau de routine pour rester sur la bonne voie

Les parents et les enfants repartiront avec un plan d’action pratique pour éviter les crises à la maison ET les résoudre rapidement quand cela se produit.

Et c’est amusant !

  

QUI est le RÉEL adversaire?

Le parent, le conjoint, l’enfant ou le problème?

N’est ce pas incroyable de voir comment un problème simple peut soudainement dégénérer en une véritable bataille entre parent et enfant ? Dans notre coaching, nous entendons des parents inquiets demander : “Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas avec mon enfant? … Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas chez moi” ?!

Gardez l’espoir !

“Les enfants qui se disputent ont certaines qualités de caractère comme la persévérance, la détermination, la créativité et la capacité de communiquer leurs idées. Le problème de la dispute avec votre enfant, c’est qu’il vous voit comme un obstacle.”

Dr. Scott Turansky et Joanne Miller, dans Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

Comment sortir des disputes avec vos enfants?

Boxing girl by Frank deKleine

FAIRE DU PROBLEME L’ENNEMI NUMÉRO 1

Laisser le parent et l’enfant s’entraider pour trouver une solution.

Il faut deux personnes pour avoir un argument.

Et les deux arguments contribuent au désaccord. Néanmoins les deux peuvent orienter l’échange vers la paix.

Miller et Turansky nous rappellent que les sujets sur lesquels nous nous disputons ne sont souvent pas si importants.

CE SONT LES RELATIONS QUI COMPTENT.

Images de Madi Robson sur Unsplash, SoSoooper, et LetMeColor.com

laughing child

Smile … all day

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

3 beauty pouches “Colibri” (just the right size for lipstick or pencils)
from Beija Flore  

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Trousses Colibri de Beija Flore

Beija Flore is offering THREE pouches.  Will you change your lipstick pouch with the seasons … or enjoy a mother-daughter duo…or give one to your mother-in-law (with a smile, of course)?  Thanks to their generosity, you get to choose.

Beija Flore makes practical pouches with beautiful Liberty fabrics.  Colorful, they are easy to find in the purse.  Stylish, they are delightful to pull out in fpublic.  Practical, they fit the necessities for mom and child

Beauty pouch necessities for maman:

  • a lip pencil,
  • a small mirror
  • several lipsticks

Beauty pouch necessities for child:

  • a few band-aids
  • a tube of arnica granules.
    Arnica speeds up healing…and the slightly sweet granules melting on a child’s tongue soothes physical and emotional “booboos” alike

 

Life-Changing Power of Smiles

Did you know that a smile changes life?

Harvard Business School professor, Amy Cuddy, shares in her TedTalk how “faking it” (the smile) enables one to make it (to stimulate happiness hormones so that we authentically feel better.)

Smiling people attract attention.

As a start-up I attend multiple events with notable speakers…and, after their talk, I regularly go up to comment.  People recognize me.  “I saw you in the room.  You were smiling.

And a smile makes a difference for your child too.

smiles

Changing Home-life with Smiles

Try this.

Call your child over.

(CHILD’s NAME)!

They might come hesitantly.  When you and I call our children’s name it is often for what they might interpret as “bad news”:  a chore to be done, a request to hurry, a correction…

This time, when your kids responds to your summons, just smile at them.  With your lips, your eyes, and your tone of voice as you share how wonderful it is to have them in the family.

Smiling Results

As you do this occasionally, several changes occur;

  • A new you – you become aware of your tone of voice as you call the children. Next time you want them to pick up their dirty shoes from the front hallway, you might even call them over to first smile (connect), then clean up (correct)
  • A new response from the children – Can we blame the kids for dragging their feet when they know it’s for parent-imposed work? Wouldn’t you respond differently if you wondered, “What will they have to say this time?”

One Mom’s story

One mother shared this:

We live in a house with a spiral staircase.  I’m often in the kitchen and the children are upstairs.  I used to feel that I was shouting at them all the time to come down and DO (set the table, do homework, pick up…)

Then I decided to call them to BE together.  Instead of shouting (!) their name while standing at the kitchen sink, I would physically move my body to the bottom of the stairs where I could speak their name and they could hear it.

They would scramble down…and I would pat on one the steps so we could look at each other eye-to-eye.

Mom: “Tell me one great thing about your day, darling.

And we spoke for one or two minutes.  Just the two of us.  Without the interruption of his brother and sister.

Mom: “Thanks, sweetheart.  Enjoy playing…and remind me, what happens when the buzzer rings?”

He’s already running off while answering, “Clean up toys!”

The volume went down in our home, the chores still got done, and the joy went up.

One Child’s Story

And here’s what another child shared:

“I like it when you have that lip stuff.  I can see your smile when you’re far away.”

Don’t leave home without your lipstick snuggled into your Liberty fabric lipstick pouch 🙂

DJ at radio studio

A parenting coach, a cop’s kid, and a foodie talk on radio

Yep, I was invited on the Thursday noon talk show with David Hailwood, the director of Expat Radio, and Lisa Ranking, founder of  Flavors of Paris.

On the air with 64K listeners from 86 countries I shared about parenting… yet the most dauting audience was:

  • Lisa, the mother of two cats, who interviewed me about SoSooper and Positive Discipline.  We connected on topics like empowerment, different cultures, AND getting kids to eat.
  • David, the son of a Manchester police officer, who introduced lively discussion through unnerving anecdotes: the mother who threw china out the window and kids trying to bribe their way out of punishment.

Here are a few highlights:

Expats + SoSooper => Family Culture

SoSooper helps parents build a culture of thriving for their families.

Parents often take family culture for granted.  Have you defined yours?

There is a moment, however, when families confront culture head on…when they move abroad and become expats.  Simple things become complicated.

The Dampierre’s (my family) are quite Frenchified and savor our daily fresh baguettes.  When we go to the US, “fresh” bread comes wrapped in plastic bags(!)…so that it can last for days!!!

Corporate culture, however, is a priority for most professional organizations.  Managers in companies invest money, time, and talent to create an environment that promotes success.  Isn’t thriving what we want for our loved ones too?

So, I spoke of SoSooper bringing leadership tools to the family arena, training and coaching parents in empowering their children and developing habits which promote cooperation and inclusivity.

Build a culture of thriving for your family. Click to Tweet

Foodie Examples of Family Culture

In talking with Lisa, of course, we embarked on a conversation on food and children’s eating habits.  How might a family culture relate to the food on one’s table?

Lisa enquired this way: “Should parents insist that their children try every food on their plate?”

My answer: “It depends upon the family culture.”

Take the Discovery Family.  Mom and Dad take to heart the importance of diversity and want their children to embrace it.  To be consistent, parents could train the kids to welcome differences by having them try a variety of foods.  They could pursue further than merely requesting to try foreign fare.  Why not entertain a weekly discovery meal?  Have YOU tasted strawberry risotto, watercress soup, or curry pizza!

Consistency is key.

And it’s sooper easier to say than to do.  (That’s why we offer coaching.)

It’s harder to be convincing as a parent when you say, “Be tolerant and open-minded,” and daily serve up noodles and butter (or another standard staple).

Let your actions and your words speak the same language.


When Plates Fly – Anger Management

That’s when David contributes the story of his boyhood friend with the open ground floor window.  No matter what the weather.  He found out why the hard way.

One afternoon, in heading over to his buddy’s house to play, he was nearly hit by a plate whizzing out from the house.  A woman’s raging voice accompanied the flying saucer.

Buddy and he hurredly scurried away to play in safety until the mother’s fury abated.

As a positive parenting coach, how does one respond to such a tale on live radio?!

I can empathize.

Like this mum, I (and surely you too) have moments of “Loosing it.”

And the kids know which levers to pull to reach that tipping point. 

Yet another muddy footprint on the light carpet.  A look of defiance.  Lack of response…especially when I’m in a hurry.  They expect me to react immediately to their request…when they previously gave the silent treatment…

“So, is anger bad?  What if we can’t help it?” inquired Lisa.

Anger. Flying books. Scream
Aaaagh!
Confused, wondering child
Hummmmm…


Emotions as Gifts

Emotions are neither good nor bad.  They are signs that something good or bad is happening.

I like to view feelings as gifts.  Emotions occur in response to events or behaviors.  Something happened BEFORE the plates flew.

We often think of anger management in terms of “solving it in the moment.”  It’s when we feel anger than we need to deal with it.

But what if we could include the children in positive ways of organizing the home so that the anger triggers don’t even happen? 

Consider this family.  The mom flipped her lid when the children regularly complained about the food she lovingly cooked.  She created Weekly Menu’s and invited the Biggest Complainer to make the menu for the entire family.  “You get to choose what to eat…AND when the others don’t like it, they tell you.”

He felt honored to be trusted with the responsibility…for several weeks until he realized it was really work.  This solution transformed his mealtime vocabulary; he replaced whining with gratitude.  Instead of, “Peas?!  You know I hate them,” he exclaimed, “Great!  Today is corn day!”

And the plates stay in the cupboard.


Punishment Avoidance

David graced us with another parenting story.

Ask questions sign

As the son of a policeman, he was privy to delinquent youth’s request to negotiate favored treatment with the police.

Dave’s stories sure kept me on my toes… and I was glad to share a Positive Discipline anecdote from Californian police.  They used the tool of Limited Choices to engage the cooperation of people they were arresting.

“Would you like your handcuffs in front or in back?”  “Do you want your mug-shot on the right side or the front view first?”

These questions enabled the police to remain firm in their requests WHILE treating the detainees with respect.

It works at home too.  “Would you like to put your blue shoe or your red one on first?”  “Will you turn the video game off or shall I?”

Lisa exclaimed, “Denise, what you do is help parents empower their kids!”  Exactly.


How to Prepare for Parenting?

And David came up with his third story.

So, clearly parenting benefits from practice.  He’s heard of mums carrying around the industrial size bags of flour to get ready to be a parent.

Here, Lisa interjects.  “David, if you ever choose a career reconversion, avoid parent coaching!”

Could you hear my smile on the radio?!


When Parents Wish Kids had “Pause” Buttons?!

(Maybe unknowingly) David uncovered another soft spot… Might there be moments when parents do treat their children like an object?

“NEVER!” Is the first thought to come to mind.

And yet…. there were moments I craved to find my sons’ “Pause” button.  In the grocery store when walking by the candy aisle.  When it’s bedtime and he wants to keep playing.  When he refuses to listen…

Boy playiing in leaves in fall
Where is “Pause”?
Boy sleeping in pile of fall leaves
Found it!

 

Machines and robots have “Pause” buttons.  People don’t.  And children are people.

It’s one of the principles I love about Positive Discipline.  This science-based approach to building respect-filled relationships is founded on the principles of Dr. Alfred Adler, a forward-thinking psychiatrist from the 1930’s.  Austrian by birth, he worked with prisoners of war as well as with children.    At that time, both groups of people were considered second-class citizens.  Children were to be seen but not heard.  Victims of wartime imprisonment, staggering to find their bearings after freedom, felt locked in trauma and stigma.  Alfred Adler believed in the equal value of every person: whatever their age, race, gender, career, past, or potential.

That means they (and we) each have choice.

You and I cannot forcefully push the “Pause” button on someone else.

We can, however, put OURSELF on “Pause” and create a family culture where calming down becomes the welcome norm.

 

“When You’re Angry, Go to Your Room.”

For close to a decade, our family has practiced an Annual Review.  The children give me feedback on

  • What I do well. I commit to continuing.
  • What behavior they would like me to change. They make the request and we talk about this.

Our youngest piped up, “Mom, when you are angry, go to your room!”

What wisdom!  From whom did he hear that?  Clearly from One. Smart. Parent.

This child created our Family Pause Button.

Now, when I am blind with fury (which happens more rarely ????), my children help me find clarity.  “Mom, remember your job (from the Annual Review)…”

And in the same way, I share it with them: “Sweetheart, it sounds like you’re angry.  Shall we both go to our rooms?”

Gratitude

Thanks Lisa and Dave for an inspiring discussion.  The contrast in styles and perspectives is what made it so rich.

David, you CHALLENGED me.  Thank you.  Your comments stimulated me to put into practice my principles of empathy and value of differences.

Lisa, thank you for your encouragement.  You expressed, “Aha!’s” throughout our exchange.  That’s what SoSooper is about:  learning, growing, becoming Sooper (super with room for more growth).

Hope to catch you again on the air.  www.ex-patradio.com

Cover image by John Hult from Unsplash.