Domino Effect Eiffel Tower

Create the Domino Effect to Overcome Obstacles – Insights from Al McDonald, US Trade Ambassador to GATT

Our job as leaders is to generate movement of groups towards a precise and worthy goal.

As individual contributors, excellence depended mostly upon our personal efforts. As we take on leadership responsibility, the complexity of our challenges multiplies.  We cannot resolve them on our own.

Great leadership implies being able to leverage, to generate a multiplier effect to your efforts. It is like the Domino Effect.

The Domino Effect

The Domino Effect states that a change in one behavior activates a chain reaction in related behaviors.  One small action instigates major change.

Big obstacles (such as resolution of conflict) are overcome by initial small moves (as in saying “hello”) which open up opportunities for intermediary steps (like a willingness to listen without judgement).

The key to mastering the Domino Effect lies in positioning each domino such that, when it falls, it impacts the next domino at its tipping point.

Check out this montage of the Domino Effect by the Eiffel Tower.  The first small domino impacts a slightly larger one, which then falls onto a bigger one, which…  Had the dominos been placed differently, they would have missed their powerful impact.

A Master in Leadership Leverage – Al McDonald

Al McDonald mastered the Domino Effect and knew how to place projects and people to connect at their tipping points.

Here is an example.

As US Ambassador to GATT (General Agreement for Tariffs and Trade), McDonald was mandated by President Carter to negotiate a global trade deal that favored US interests.

When he took on the role, negotiations were at a standstill even though his team included the best negotiation experts from each of the US Departments of ____ (Defense, Agriculture, Industry…)

If the situation were a game of dominos, they were all falling (the negotiators were doing “their job”) but instead of creating a Domino Effect and a significant impact, they landed in a flop.

“What is the tipping point? Where is the misalignment?” McDonald searched.

   

This post is in memory of my father, Alonzo L McDonald, who passed away one year ago. Here are photos which hung in his office.

Misalignment

Inherited Structure

McDonald inherited the conventional strategy for US trade negotiation success: let each expert maximize his gain.

However, efforts for individual Department gains undermined the benefit of the whole. Conflicting criteria of success ran rampant throughout the trade negotiation project.

Here is what happened. (*These examples reflect the concept and do not relay specifics of exact trade deals or responsibilities.)

When the US Department of Industry* hard-balled Asia on limiting car imports, the Japanese insisted more intensely on imposing tariffs on American grain.

When the US Department of Defense* secured a victory in limiting nuclear weaponry of Middle Eastern countries, they repudiated with increase in controls over oil access and prices.

The pursuit of maximum individual gain sabotaged their common objective to the point where all parties would lose.

Leadership Leverage in Action – Revamped Structure

This is where McDonald shifted the playing field.

He redefined responsibilities so that ALL negotiators held double interests: that of their own department AND that of the entire US delegation.

The US delegates for corn* maintained his responsibility for maximizing the interests of American farmers AND took on the responsibility of reaching an accord for ALL US good with Argentina and Uruguay.

Those responsible for arms trade* were also accountable for securing agreement on ALL US goods with major European countries.

The dual focus shifted the way negotiators played their cards.  Delegates personally experienced the detriments of their colleagues’ deal greed and inflexibility.  By replacing a silo structure with a wholistic one, McDonald initiated an awareness shift in among the US delegates.  By changing their perspective, he revamped their approach to negotiation.

Your Leadership Leverage

Where are your organization’s goals mutually conflicting?

Inconsistencies can exist at all levels of an organization, and if they were simple to identify, we would have none!

How can we put the finger on those areas of misalignment?

In the manager training program, “Be the manager you dream of having” we work on two frameworks: OKR’s (Objectives & Key Results) and Decision Impact.

These tools bring teams together to describe, debate, and decide upon the desired outcomes of goals.  We further explore obstacles to reach these optimal results.  When these potential obstacles reveal internal competition, managers know to revisit the goals.

We identify when low performance may be due to conflicting objectives rather than a team member’s lack of competencies or motivation.

The Tipping Point

Managing Motivational

McDonald addressed how to motivate senior civil servants to change their long-standing negotiating practices.

Let’s take a look at the organizational structure.

Officially, the US delegate for negotiations on grains reported to the Ministry of Agriculture.  In recognition for a successful job on the GATT, he would rise in the ranks of the Department of Agriculture.  He anticipated that what got him here (promotions in the Dept of Agriculture) would take him to his next step (again a promotion within the same ministry).

McDonald tapped into the informal influences and super-imposed a new motivational structure. 

He did not have the power to change compensation, bonus, or reporting structure.  He could, however, call people out as excellent team players or people whose commitments he questioned.   He had the power of exposing the “unsaid,” and used the personalized recommendation letter to wield this influence.

Your Leadership Leverage

You too, as a manager, have the power to reinforce a reputation.  Many employees and team leads tend to focus on weaknesses.

However, it is great achievements that inspire.

We all seek recognition for our contributions yet ranting on about our own accomplishments sounds like boasting.  That is why it is so important to broadcast another’s outstanding performance. Recipients open an email when its entitled “Recommending ____ (person’s name) to you for their excellent work.” They want to read it.

I would LOVE for my boss to receive such a note!  Wouldn’t you?

To publicize another person’s successes requires a commitment of attention, time, and effort. These rank among the most precious resources, even more rare than money.

The way we speak of our team members builds our reputation as well.  We influence when and how people listen.

When a boss known for her/his high standards praises someone’s work, we listen. Those comments speak loudly.

When that same boss highlights the performance of some yet remains silent regarding others, that too speaks loudly.  McDonald would describe them as “not making the cut.”

Since the GATT negotiation stakes were high, McDonald made it clear he would expose delegates who sought individual department gain over commitment to overall US international policy.

You can bet that anyone receiving a message with the following title will open it QUICKLY: “Concerns with allegiance of team members.  Your insights appreciated.”

I dread my boss receiving such notice!  How about you?

Leadership Leverage Insights

Al McDonald’s example teaches us to observe, understand, and shape connections.

  • Who talks to whom and what do they decide?
  • What does each player seek and to what do they aspire? What frustrates them and what are their fears?
  • How can I facilitate reaching aspirations? And, depending upon the level of resistance and importance of the stakes, how can I alleviate or intensify fears?

McDonald’s genius also lies in overlaying formal communication pathways with unofficial ones. These are the game changers.

Leadership Leverage “chez vous”

Are your managers struggling to grasp the intricacies of influence?  How much faster could your company advance if your young managers effectively align efforts and generate constructive Domino Effects?!

Let’s talk.  Drop me a line and we will schedule a quick call.

Corona Virus imposes remote work

How will your team succeed in remote work?

On Monday, a friend announced, “We have our first case of corona virus at the office.  Our company just announced: ‘Presence Optional’. I’m now working remote.”

On Thursday, President Macron of France (I live in Paris) announced that all schools (from day care through universities) will be closed to limit the spread of the COVID-19.

We all now face remote work.  Remote work for the entire team. 

Remote work imposes “new-normal” behaviors.

Remote Work vs. At the Office

What is it like to work full-time remote?

Remote Work:  Individual Benefits

We gain

  • Flexibility with time management
    (you can launch a laundry between conference calls 😉)
  • No commuting time
    (More sleep😴)
  • More time with the kids 😋🙃🙄😖😠
    (Mixed emotions…to say the least!)
  • Savings on meals
    (…yet the distraction of constant access to the fridge…🤔)

Remote Work:  Team Losses

We also lose some of the benefits we might take for granted when we regularly interact with team members

  • Sensing colleagues’ mood
    (“Euh…Let me come back in 5 minutes…”)
  • Getting instant feedback on project progress
    (You walk by their desk and see that they are working on it.)

  • and
  • Feeling part of the team ⭐
    (“Ready for lunch/the meeting?”
    “What do you think of…?”)

Who’s Got Remote Team Spirit?

Technology tools will allow us to stay in touch via vision and audio.  Yet without touch or smell, we lack the human connection which builds trust and belonging.

Remote Team, We want YOU

Employees with soft skills and emotional intelligence will shine as team leaders.  They can keep up a positive connection and professional motivation over weeks of physical distance. 

Will that be YOU?!

Little annoying behaviors become big ones with distance.  Let’s look at two:

Interruptions

In the office: When Joe interrupts during a meeting, it is unpleasant, possibly even vexing.  And yet, we perceive his enthusiasm and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Later, at the coffee machine, we can mention that we too had been enthusiastic about the idea we were presenting.  To his, “Oh, I did not realize it!” we can respond, “Something to be aware of for a next time.  Cream or sugar?”  And the conversation moves on.

With remote work: When Joe interrupts on the phone, he is rude and self-imposing.  (This is a caricature…and notice how previously Joe’s actions were unpleasant whereas now his person is being judged!)  We shut down.  Why bother work with someone who appreciates us so little!

Following up to reconnect requires intentional effort.  Our paths no longer cross casually.  Do I make the phone call or not?  If this is the only topic of conversation, it feels like a reprimand.  Then we are the ones who are unpleasant work companions!

With remote working, “little” annoyances become like French cheese.  They stink with age!  Physical presence creates opportunities to nip differences in the bud.

Emotional intelligence will help you identify and resolve these teamwork-disrupting behaviors. 

How are you building your relationship skills savvy?

Silence

Your boss, Jane, has been anxious to receive the presentation you were finishing.  Satisfied with your work, you zoom it off.

No response.

Questions amass in your mind.  It is normal.  Humans fill in data void with impressions, oftentimes fears.  Did she receive it?  Did she look at it?  Is it good enough?  Is she not answering because I did such a bad job the she has to redo it but does not want to tell me?! We fill in the silence with worst-case scenario stories.

Here is what likely happened. Jane saw the report, was pleased to receive it, made a mental note to review it later, and continued with her current task.  It did not occur to her that focusing on her work (and thus not sending off a message acknowledging receipt) would deter you from your work.

On a time and mind management level, we need to know about next steps.  Is this project complete or will I have to return to it…and how soon?  Should I next concentrate on a task requiring one hour or half a day?

At the office we could drop our head in and ask, “When can you get back at me?”

In remote work, we can send yet another message…and risk more silence.

Besides, who wants to invest time in no-value-added correspondence such as, “Did you get my message?”  It feels like nagging.  It can be avoided!

No malice led to this frustration.  It is simply a lack of emotional intelligence skills.

How to Build Emotional Intelligence FAST?

As your team transitions into remote work, unexpected and challenging situations will surface.

YOUR response with emotional intelligence makes a difference!  So how to gain these soft skills fast?

One of the biggest barriers to mastering these soft skills is not realizing we need them.  In the examples above, both Joe and Jane were unaware.  They were acting “normally.“

We are living exceptional circumstances.  We now require “new-normal” behaviors.

And they will call on

  • Your humility
  • Your vulnerability

Sticky Situations and Constructive Responses

Here are some remote work situations you will likely encounter and corresponding constructive responses:

Emotions

With imposed remote work, emotions will be running high.

Yours and those of team members (and those of the family team…. Have you tried working with kids running around and your partner complaining about the mess?)

✅ Find ways to calm yourself.  Integrate them into the day.  If you have children, teach your kids to do the same.  Coordinate “zen-time’ as well as work hours with your partner

Routines & Rituals

Remote work will get your routines, big and small, off kilter.

Your team might still meet virtually for the regular business brief, but you won’t pass by your colleagues’ desk to walk into the meeting room together.  Gone too is the pre-meeting banter that warms up the atmosphere and directs focus.

✅ Create opportunities for informal exchange as well as for formal communication.

✅ Revisit the purpose of your meetings and have very clear agendas.  Avoid letting folk get into the habit of multi-tasking during conference calls and meetings.

Control & Follow Through

How can you verify people’s efforts in remote work? If we loosen the grips of control, what will happen to quality?  

The goal is to develop intrinsic motivation in your team members.  This means paying attention to the way we communicate as well as to what is said.

“Content + PROCESS = Effective Communication”

Be vulnerable (Yikes!) with your team and let them know you might not be aware of your “controlling” behaviors.   Possibly create a sign  that invites discussion on your leadership and communication style. (an upside-down emoji 🙃, a request to pause 🆘, the words ‘Hummmmm. Encouraging?’)

✅ Learn to laugh more.  Laughter gives you and the other person those few nanoseconds required to calm down.

Laughter also releases endorphins, the “feel-good enzyme.”  In a study led by Robin Dunbar of Oxford University and reported in Scientific American, his team concluded “that the long series of exhalations that accompany true laughter cause physical exhaustion of the abdominal muscles and, in turn, trigger endorphin release. (Endorphin release is usually caused by physical activity, like exercise, or touch, like massage.)”

Just Do It…HOW?!

The above sound simple.  But how to be vulnerable without getting run over?  How to allow for critique without being ridiculed?

(I wrote more about this here:  How to be a team leader, even in a competitive workplace?)

Here is what I learned the hard way:

Be in a group

In a group, you gain outside perspective.  You have accountability to change and grow. We are humans, not robots. Transformation happens through relationships.

Learn step-by-step

Growing in emotional intelligence is like a journey. We can reach the same destination by going through different paths.  On our GPS we can choose various routes.  At each intersection we get to choose again what path to take.

Soft skill questions aboutnd with remote work
Which way to “Motivating-Leadership-Skills & Team-Engagement” ?

It takes courage to change. We climb a mountain one step at a time.  We gain soft skills in the same way.

The term “Soft skills” is a misnomer.
Soft skills are TOUGH to learn and STRENGHTEN relationships.

Plan for the long haul

Prepare yourself with encouragement and accountability to stay in the game.  You (and I and your team members) will mess up. We need help getting up, learning from mistakes, and getting back in the arena.

Humans are creatures of habit. Lasting change means breaking old habits and developing new ones.  That takes time and accountability.

Practice makes better.

So, what is the IDEAL SOLUTION? 😀

Get onboard with the BE YOUR TEAM’S M.V.P. (Most Valuable Player) program. It’s

  • Online training in emotional intelligence
  • Private community to ask questions to experts and peers
  • Coaching (individual and group) to set measurable growth goals and to stay on track

Interested?   to see if you qualify.

 

So, what are you doing to get your team successful in remote work?  Tell us below.

 

 

 

unanswered emails

Collective Intelligence Solutions – “No one answers my emails!”

Do you ever feel like your communication goes into a big blank void.

“Hello, is anyone out there?”

A client, let’s call her De Nise 😉, shared this challenge.  She sends out emails…and no one responds.

Silence.

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWorkDe Nise shared:  “It’s an important issue I am writing about.  Does no one care?  How can I make them more responsible?”

Tapping into Collective Intelligence

I proposed we try a collective-intelligence solution-finding.  It is a tool available to you on the Facebook private group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork.  Click below for your invitation to join.

Here is how it works:

  • A person shares a work challenge
  • I work with that person to clarify the context of the issue
  • In a moderated discussion led by me, we invite members of the community to share their perspective and what they would do if they were in this situation.

Did you catch that?  NOT what the other person should do. What they would do if they were in that situation. 

Why go through this process?

What Collective Intelligence can do for you

You and I can get stuck in our mindset.  We think the same way over and over.  People are creatures of habit, and each of us has thinking patterns as well.

These thinking routines are helpful in many situations.  We don’t have to reflect deeply on how to sit down on a chair during a meeting or on how to open our computers.

Yet we get trapped in patterns of thought.

I remember a very aggitated fellow conference speaker.  We were before an audience of several hundred people and he could not get his password to work on the computer.  He muttered under his breath: “I have not changed the passcode…The computer worked yesterday!…Do I have a virus? 😨…Why did I not put my presentation on a USB key!….”

And he retyped his password over and over again to no avail.

I suggested he might check the Caps Lock key.  “What is it?  I never use it. That’s not possible.”  Yet this key on the keyboard can get accidently pushed and stay pushed and changes lower case letters into CAPITAL LETTERS.  Well, he was typing 3pASSWORD3  instead of “Password” and no wonder his computer did not open.

An outside perspective gave him a solution he would not have considered in his habitual thinking.

Collective intelligence brings fresh perspectives.

Collective Intelligence at #SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

So what happens on the Facebook private group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork?

Below is a recap of the exchange between myself and my client as we tapped into collective intelligence.

YOU TOO can experience this constructive group brainstorming first-hand on Thursday, March 12 at 2:00 p.m. Paris time.  Click on the button below to get your invitation.

Collective Intelligence Business Case:
No one answers my emails!

My client (we are calling her De Nise) shared her frustrations about no response to emails.  Faced with a communication void she lost confidence in herself and began questioning the value of her contributions at work.

(You may have experienced similar feelings over different issues.  Feel free to post your specific situation on the group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork and we’ll help you find alternative answers.)

Example of discussions on SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork:

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWorkDe Nise No one answers my emails! It’s so frustrating. 😠
Aren’t they concerned? How do I get others to be responsible?

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre It’s a bummer De Nise to feel in an information void. Did you know that our brains are wired to fill in these data gaps…and it does it with thoughts of what we fear:
– “Are they speaking behind my back?”
– “Are they questioning my performance or capabilities?”
– “Is my work insignificant?”
– “Do I have the email version of bad breath (people stay away and you are not sure why)?”

So let’s get a fresh, more positive (and productive) perspective.

We can start by focusing on a specific situation so that we can fill in the data

  • To whom was the email addressed? (ex. just to my boss, to my 5 colleagues, to….)
  • Can you summarize the message in one sentence?
  • How long was the email?
  • What did you ask?

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWorkDe Nise – In this one urgent case, I addressed the email to 5 people, a mix of clients and of suppliers. We are working on a full-day presentation for the client company and the day’s program is timed to the minute. I am the event coordinator. At our rehearsal, the client managers were not ready with their individual presentation. We are heading for a disaster if the client managers speak overtime…and when they prepare at the last minute that is what usually happens. I sent the email to my boss and colleagues at the event management firm, to the client coordinator, and to the venue manager.

No one seems concerned. Am I the only one to be responsible?!

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – Would you be open to a fresh perspective and to hear what other people might do in your situation?

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – Sure , why not .

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – I presented this situation to my own mastermind group and here are people’s response to the question: “If you were in this situation, what would you do?”

  • “I would re-read my email from the perspective of the receiver. Is it clear what is expected of them? Where are there ambiguities? Then I would re-write a short email making a clear request.”
  • “I would call up each person concerned and ask them how they view the situation and what they suggest to respect both the timing and the managers’ egos.”
  • “I would send out a note about best practices for presentations at an event like this. It would include tips about slides (one point per slide, limit the text, make it legible from afar…). It would indicate an approximate minutes per slide (ex. from 3 to 8 slides for a 5-minute presentation).”
  • “I would write an email entitled ‘Action Steps’ and indicate a clear next step such as ‘Managers to submit their slides for a 5-minute presentation by ____ (date).”
  • “Are there regular follow-up meetings? I would do nothing now and add ‘Timing and Manager Presentations’ to the agenda for the next meeting.”
  • “I would ask my boss what is expected of me. Whose job is it to manage the timing? If it is not my job, then let the other person do it. If it is my job, then I would connect with my counterpart at the client to see how we can better communicate the time-limit to the managers.”
  • “I would not take it personally. We get so many emails; they get lost in our mailbox. I would simply send another email…and make the title catchy.”

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – WOW!  I had not realized there were SO MANY WAYS to address this issue !

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – So, which one will you try this week?

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – I have to choose ?

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – You mentioned you were willing to try something new. That begins with choosing a novel approach. Which one will you try?

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – I am not comfortable with some of these ideas, but I could send out the guide for best practices with indications of how many slides per minute. This would give us all a reference point and if a manager submits 40 slides, I can refer him back to the guide. I feel more confident this way.

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – Great, let us know how it went.

A week later…

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – De Nise Sooooo…. How did it go?

 Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – Well, I ended up doing nothing then and waiting for the next meeting. No one mentioned my email, but we addressed the issue. I realized after our exchange that my email was not clear. It only mentioned a problem and no solution. And it would have been more effective if I addressed the issue either directly with my boss or with my client contact. I am now more conscious of how I write emails.

Thanks. I had felt quite vulnerable, but this ended up being very HELPFUL.

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – That’s what the group is for.  Keep it up!

Get your issue resolved with Collective Intelligence

Soooo…what did you think?  I would very much appreciate your feedback.

You might prefer to do so in a setting with more confidentiality and even anonymity.  (You can use your first name only on Facebook)

Rendez-vous on the Facebook private group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork !

team leader

How to be a team leader, even in a competitive workplace?

Do you too find yourself managing colleagues?  It’s not just the boss who is the one to redirect a team member and give feedback on the quality of work.  It’s also you!

You might be working in an Agile team, or you have several bosses, or you are recently (or hope to be) promoted.  You were hired for your specific expertise and discover that managing people and their performance is expected from you…and it feels overwhelming, especially since you did not have the training!

If this resonates with you, read to the end of this (long !) post.

Loving work and life

“Denise, how do you simultaneously tell people they are doing the wrong thing and get them motivated to perform positively instead?

It’s novel, and I want to do it too.”

Comments like these help me realize how far I have come…and the (long and lonely)  journey traveled to become a “go-to person” to resolve relationship conflicts and to work effectively as a team leader.

What makes a great team leader?

What would it take to be your team’s most valuable player?  What does it look and sound like to be the person that bosses and colleagues WANT to work with?!

Is she/he the Superstar?

Many professionals enter the workforce wanting to prove their value.  (Who doesn’t?) It often translates into showing cohorts who is “better.”  Who works harder, longer, and attends more meetings.  

It’s a game of comparison and one-upmanship.  Not to one’s best potential self, but to others in the team.

Superstar Motto:
I am great by being better than you.
Admit my superiority.

As stellar celebrity, it is hard to celebrate colleagues’ contribution to the group’s performance.  Their success diminishes our stardom.

Yet star players still need to progress or be replaced.  To whom do they turn to grow and improve?

Not many folks.

Who sticks around to be reminded of their “lesser” status?

It’s exhausting, lonely, and, in our fast-paced world, vowed for failure.

When I graduated from Harvard Business School, I did not know of any other option than competition.  Of course, I had heard of win-win solutions but, in my entourage, where there was a winner, one would also find a loser.

Seeking superstardom often harms the team.  We talked about teamwork, yet we performed as individuals.

Are they born leaders?

Students I teach in business school ask me whether leaders are born or made.

by Dr Seuss
The superior Sneetches are born with stars on their bellies. Woe to the plain-bellied Sneetches! from “Sneetches on the Beaches” by Dr. Seuss

You have surely heard it said, “He’s a born leader.” (Hopefully you also heard, “SHE is a born leader” too!)

That is relegating people-management skills to characteristics like height or hair color.  You or I cannot change them.  We have them or we don’t.  Period.

Born Leader Motto:
I am a leader for life. Not you…ever.

But how does that function in our complex world and global economy?  How does it work for the American or French “born leader” when integrating Indians, Chinese, and Nigerians in her team?

Humm.  Awkward.

Our definition of “valuable team member” has evolved as technology rendered borders fluid.  When working with similar folk (all engineers, all of the same nationality or race…) we could imagine “one best process.”

Today, we face diversity and the most valuable employees are those that can connect with a wide variety of people, bring out the best in each, and integrate these differences into building ONE. TOP. PERFORMING. RESULT.

Team Leaders Build Strength
– theirs & others’

Studies now show that teamwork is like a muscle.  The more you use it, the stronger your collaboration skills.

Muscle Builder Motto:
What does not kill you or me
makes US stronger.

It sounds sooooo easy, yet this kind of teamwork requires humility, courage … over and over again.

Humility to admit a relationship challenge exists.  Courage to bring up and resolve the sensitive issue with the other person. Belief in the other person’s positive intent and in the possibility of an alternative outcome.

Here is an example.  A mentor of mine was honored to introduce a prominent female politician for a speech on gender equality.  After exposing her credentials, he closed his presentation saying, “She is with us today speaking about a subject close to her heart: opportunities for women.”

“If it is a worthy topic, should it not be close to men’s hearts too?” I wondered.

This one comment is no big deal.  Why not let it slide.

And yet…many such comments over days and months become demotivating.  Additionally, if I was bothered by the remark, others probably reacted to it as well.

Teamwork muscle-builders nip relationship challenges in the bud. (Scroll to the end of this post to find out what I did 😊)  They respectfully address vulnerable topics to gain clarity for all to move ahead.

How to become a TEAM LEADER?
Be the Most Valuable TEAM Player

Today, to get promoted, you need to know your expertise AND master teamwork skills (often called soft skills).

That’s quite a challenge when many of us face some these obstacles at work:

  • When a colleagues does not complete his work and it negatively impacts our performance
  • When we question our boss’s support. When you or I take initiatives (and therefore risks), would the boss have our back, or will we get the blame?
  • When we receive negative retributions (condescending comments during a meeting or being removed from the interesting projects)
  • When we have to sit through ineffective meetings where too many people attend, and previous decisions are called into question
  • When we walk on eggshells in anticipation of colleague’s or bosses’ rampant emotions
  • When our work is not recognized…or when someone else takes the recognition for our work

These situations invite competition, not collaboration.

Today, because of the fast-changing business climate facilitated by the Internet, organizations succeed by their capacity to learn and adapt quickly.  The most valued employees are those who can transform challenging situations into opportunities for teamwork.

M.V.P. (Most Valuable Player) Motto:
Transform challenges into opportunities
to learn & grow.

And it is transformative for oneself and for the team.  Wouldn’t you want these?

  • To give and get helpful and constructive feedback
  • To know where you stand and to ask for support
  • To be a contributor, not an order-taker
  • To have work recognized…and be motivated to take more initiatives
  • To manage emotions instead of being controlled by them
  • To have your time respected

When we can turn around a tense situation and bring collaboration and solutions as a team, it’s ENEGIZING for all.

It’s the thrill of leading a life of impact.  It’s the satisfaction of making a positive difference and creating a virtuous circle of enthusiasm among colleagues.

 

HOW to be a team player in a competitive work?

Yes, it is possible.  Yes, it is transformative.

Yes, there are skills to learn.  Yes, it’s confusing at the start.

Yes, it takes practice.  Yes, it takes getting back up after we fail.

And yes, it can be lonely.

What makes it soooooo hard to be a Most Valuable Team Leader at work?

Let’s look at how skills are built.

The Traditional (and less effective) Approach

Here is what often happens:

An employee with high-potential is sent off-campus for training in teamwork and leadership skills.  They learn about positive mindset, emotions management, active listening, delegation, connecting before correcting, effective meeting management, and more.   They leave the training INVIGORATED and ready to apply new communication tools.

Back in the office, reality hits.

She needs a colleague’s input in order to finish a project on time.  He gives her five reasons why he was not able to execute the task. She responds by countering each of the excuses.  The discussion focuses on the past.  She is frustrated because she cannot advance on the project because of another person’s fault.  He feels judged and not appreciated.

Wait!  What happened to the skills learned during the training?  Was there “connection before correction”?  Who practiced active listening?!

An opportunity to strengthen teamwork muscle just passed by…and no one noticed!!!  Everyone fell into habitual behaviors.

The Novel & Impactful Way

Learn 🤔🤓

Practice 😨🙃🙂

Grow 😃😍

As I look back on my career, I noted the turning points in becoming proficient in team building, overcoming conflicts, and developing mutually positive relationships.

  1. To realize I did not know how to motivate others

I began noticing moments when I was annoyed at others or myself, or when I was in the middle of a power play.  When I began naming these feelings, I realized there must be ways to prosper at work.  But how?

  1. To discover constructive communication tools

As I became interested in working more effectively and enjoyably with my colleagues, I became attentive to how we communicated.  I realized we used tools…like impatience, critique, or questions.  Some of these create connection while others result in distance and misunderstanding.

Learning constructive communication tools is foundational in building mutually respectful and fulfilling professional relations.

  1. To test and try the tools at work

The biggest step in the journey to a positive work environment is taking that first step of trying out a different approach to a recurring challenge.

That too was a process.  At first, I recognized missed opportunities.  “I could have managed that situation differently!”  It took weeks before I could recognize a negative relationship pattern and plan an alternative strategy.

I was alone trying to identify unhelpful habits and what triggered my responses.

It took stepping back from the day-to-day and a full agenda!  Introspection is WORK!  It is what Steven Covey describes as vitally important but not urgent.

Ah! I wished for a colleague with whom to review my actions and others’ reactions.  Even more, I wished for a sparring partner:  someone who could share a fresh perspective with me and that I could help too.

  1. To try again when the first attempt did not work

People are humans, not robots.  We do not have an “off/on” button for bad humor or for trust-building.  In other words, the same approach might not work at every time.

Abraham Maslow said,
“I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

Creating a virtuous relationship cycle does not mean picking up a velvet cloth (in place of Maslow’s hammer) and treating every challenge as if it needed a good rub.

Not quite.

We each go through a process of trying to connect in a situation which had previously created stress.  And we use different tools according to the situation and the people involved.

Sometimes we recognize their emotions and manage ours.  Other times we listen and ask questions with a goal for understanding.  Some moments we might even admit that we may have contributed to a misunderstanding.

With practice we learn how to handle various instances.  Until then, we test and try.

When we resolve an issue, it feels AWESOME.  When our attempt failed to get the desired result, we feel discouraged…and even vulnerable.

  1. To get support…to keep on trying again & again

Don’t follow the Lone Ranger.  Be a Beatles groupie instead.

“Get by with a little help from my friends.” – The Beatles

I love this video of the beginner martial artist.  He made it, thanks to the insistence of his coach and the encouragement of his buddies!!!

We need that too.  Folk who tell us we can do it when we barely believe in ourselves and fall back into critique or judgement.  A team to celebrate with us when we succeed in being the team leader we want to be.

Become Your Team’s Most Valuable Player

This is the program I am now developing.

Learn

Online Training – 24/7 access

The online training modules (24/7 access) teach you the mindset, self-awareness, communication & soft skills, and insights to become your team’s Most Valuable Player.

Practice 

Weekly Group Coachings

Every week, we gather online for a group coaching to resolve together a workplace challenge:

  • A colleague who lags behind on his commitments
  • A person to whom we repeat, repeat, and repeat the same request
  • Someone who makes demotivating comments…maybe without even realizing it
  • A request for a raise

It’s a collective intelligence activity that boosts novel thinking and results in creative solutions.  We all gain in confidence and energy!

Grow

1-on-1 Progress check up – every 2 months

We’ll set YOUR own growth objectives to be the leader YOU want to be in YOUR organization.

Secret Facebook Group – 24/7 access

We are an online community meeting through a secret Facebook group.  You can join anonymously.  This is a safe space to talk about work.  (Your “toxic” colleagues won’t know what you think of them!)

It’s our space to ask questions, share insights, and get encouragement as we test, try, and grow.

Wanted: Super-motivated pilot testers

The program is still in finalization stage of the personalized follow-through and coaching program.  As a believer in collective intelligence, I want to build with pilot users.

If this is your situation:

  1. You were recently promoted and realize the need for leadership skills
  2. You have a new boss and are trying to find your place
  3. You are working in an Agile team and want to collaborate better
  4. You have been in the same position for several years and seek a promotion

…AND:

  1. You are super motivated
  2. You are ready to make changes in your life within the next 4 months (or now)
  3. You would like to be coached as you as you apply new skills and turn them into positive habits

Please connect by filling out the form below.

I look forward to speaking together (and if you are in Paris to even meeting in person).

Si vous êtes francophone, SVP écrivez-moi en français.  Je le considérerais comme un signe de respect.  Vous me respectez en m’accordant la liberté d’écrire dans ma langue natale … et je souhaite vous rendre la même considération.

Maybe this program is not for you but you have someone with high potential in mind.  Please forward them this email!

P.S. How did I respond to the presenter who introduced the woman speaker talking about gender initiatives?

I SHOT UP my arm during the Q & A period and asked, “You introduced our speaker by saying that gender intiatives are an issue close to her heart.  She has devoted much of her talk to the proven benefits of diversity in the workforce.  Shouldn’t this be a topic on the hearts of men too?!”

He smiled and responded, “Point well taken.  Thank you.”

Trust Gratitude Inspiration Fun

TGIF – The POWER of Vulnerability at Work

Hi folks,

Last week was intense as I led four days of training You get the insights through our TGIF:  Trust – Gratitude – Inspiration – and Fun.

Trust

I’m trusting in the power of vulnerability.  Yes, even at work.

I’m still on a “high” from the feedback of last week’s training groups.  Folk shared how much they learned about themselves and how this stimulates them to change attitudes and behaviors.  Wow!

It happened by creating an environment of trust which paved the way for authentic exchange over both strengths and weaknesses.  Vulnerability was given and received.

Team meeting

People realized they are not imposters; they have strengths that are recognized and visible to others!  They also learned that challenges present opportunities for learning.  Bye, bye to “I’m a failure.”  Hello to “I can grow.”

Here are some feedback highlights:

“I realized that I was not invisible.  It was empowering to learn how my example of doing my job with dedication and a goal of excellence has inspired others.”

“I learned that I am already brave and strong.”

“I don’t just want money.  I really want a LIFE.”

“I should stop telling myself that I’m not confident.  I discovered this is not what people think when they meet me.  It’s time for me to stop degrading myself.”

Gratitude

Thank you to my clients who trust me.  It is a real privilege to be welcomed into their offices and given the opportunity to challenge employees out of their comfort zone…and to come out stronger together 😊!

Inspiration

One of this past week’s clients is an up-and-coming startup, WeMaintain, and their daring talent strategy inspires me.

They hire for potential…which can differ from past achievement. 

Laughter at work

We met the expert on Internet of Things who learned his skill by making connected skateboards as a hobby.  A previous journalist joined them as a front-end coder.  The list goes on.

The team overflows with mutual respect.  Here is what they say about each other:

“I have such admiration for each person in this team who fully invests in the work and is ready to grow further together.”

“I feel a sense of fullness as I admire the richness of the team.  We can go far together.”

Fun

During my trainings, I use scenarios to stimulate aha-moments of learning.  The goal of one of these scenes is for participants to realize that they cannot change other people’s behavior.  They can change their own…. which then will produce a different response from the other person.

We change first.

In one of last week’s training, the role play ended up being particularly hilarious.  The principle I had hoped participants would grasp did not come through. ☹  And yet, the scene generated roaring laughter which woke us all up after lunch. 😊

Fun at work

To paraphrase the authors of Fail Fast, Fail Often (Ryan Babineaux, PhD and John Krumboltz, PhD),

Fail fast.  Tweak often. Laugh as you learn.

 

Wishing you a great week.

A bientôt, Denise

Neat & New Stuff

Enjoy these posts inspired by my father’s wisdom:

“Aging isn’t for sissies!”

What’s YOUR Focus Word?

Boy looking through telescope. Searching Focus word!

As life passes, one realizes time is…limited.  That’s a focusing thought!  Read on…

 

When It’s Urgent to Reflect

Man reflecting in parkI wrote this post after a hearing a professor speak on leadership and reflexion at a Harvard Business School reunion.  My father had encouraged me to attend the school and the place holds a soft spot for us.   Read on…

Serenity.  To Accept the Things We Cannot Change

Serenity of lighthouseWe cannot change the passage of time and the impact it has on our bodies and our relationships.  But discover what we can do about it!  Read on…

Interview with Elizabeth Moreno, CEO of Lenovo France

Jumping across rocks. Risk taking.Lenovo speaks of taking risks:  how she learned how to embrace risk-taking with confidence and thrive.  Read on…

Paris Heat Wave

TGIF – Swimming at the Eiffel Tower

Hello for the weekly rendez-vous on Friday.  TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Fun.

Trust

My word for the year is “community.”  That means NO to taking on projects that I will lead solo, and YES, seeking out opportunities to collaborate.  This week I have fully benefited from networks of people I trust.  French school finishes next week and summer break is around the corner.  Many network events were planned while folk are still in town.

I mentor a young woman who is rebuilding her life after violence through entrepreneurship.  It was an honor to attend her graduation and learn how both she and her business grew.  “I am not the same person I was a year ago.”  I am honored that she trusts me and in my counsel.

I trust in the Harvard community in Paris.  In this case, I am the mentee 😊!  A senior HBS graduate counsels and challenges me as I embark on a new entrepreneurial venture.   Her input is both kind and demanding.  I trust that means she believes in my potential!

Station F corporate sponsor building

Here is a photo of Station F, the largest entrepreneurial space in France, where women from Harvard gathered for our most recent get-together.  There are three segments: this first hall is devoted to corporate sponsors (that’s why it looks empty.  It’s after business hours.)  The hall beyond the glass doors at the far end of the is where the entrepreneurs work on loooooooong tables.  Security is intense and we were not allowed in. And of course, there is a food hall!

Denise Dampierre at Station F in Paris

It felt eerie to be in such a place of connection (exchange of money, contacts, ideas…) when the lights were off.  Hope to see it in action soon.

Our moderator created a secure setting where we could express our conviction with trust.  Naturally, I did!

 

Gratitude

It’s heat wave time in France and I am grateful for water, especially drinking water.  It is so easy to take it for granted!

American friends ask if we have air-conditioning.  Like many Parisians, no we do not.  That’s why we freshen off where we can.  Temperatures climbed to 39.7 °C or 103.5 °F.

Calor!  Chaud! Hiess! HOT!  Yesterday I took it for granted.  Today, I am grateful for water.

Scorching sun.  Photo by Rob Potvin.

See more pics of Parisians combatting heat on Paris Match website

Inspiration

As you may know, I teach management in a French university.  On the final exam I asked a question about managers’ responses to failure.  (We had studied the impact of blaming vs. seeking solutions on corporate culture.)

I am inspired by the vitality and hope in this student’s response.

“If there is no solution, there is no problem.”

The phraseology caught me off guard, and I like it.  Challenges exist…yet they don’t have the last word!

Problem solving
Background image from Udemy’s Engineering Problem Solving course. Cool, isn’t it!

Fun

On June 21, the longest day of the year, Paris resonates with music.  It is the Fête de la Musique, a day where bands can set up on the street and play.  It’s fun and it’s free.

One of my sons sings in a band and I went to admire him.  I also ADMIRED this prancing princess who CLEARLY was having a blast.  Check out the video on the SoSooper Facebook page for more fun.  You get to see the boys dancing too!

Fete de la Musique
Shake it!

The cool of the evening is settling in…and I’m off to watch France and the US women’s soccer match.  Who to support?  All of them!

Wishing you a great week.

Sincerely, Denise

 

Neat & New Stuff

What’s YOUR Focus Word?

Boy looking through telescope. Searching Focus word!Research reveals the debilitating impact of decision-overload.  Choose a word-for-the-year to better stay focused on priorities.  It makes it easier to say “No” with respect and confidence.  Read on…

Girl Power

Wendie Renard and Amandine Henry on French female soccer teamWhy women’s soccer is sooooo important!  Read on…

Winning insights from Rosabeth Moss-Kanter of Harvard Business School

French soccer team winning FIFA World Cup 2018

Moss Kanter’s research reveals the correlation between blame and losing teams and mindset focused on solutions.

It is also a soccer inspired post!  Would you believe it?  I prefer rugby 🙂  Read on…

Tiger in cage. Safe boundaries.

Solutions Alternatives au Licenciement d’un “Employé Toxique” – 2/3

Combattre la toxicité avec des Messages en « Je »

Les employés difficiles répandent souvent leurs toxines sans que cela se voit, ce qui rend compliqué la gestion de leur impact négatif.

Dans le dernier article, nous nous sommes intéressés à parler ouvertement de ce genre de comportement. Mais que se passe-t-il si votre collègue vous évite et s’extirpe d’une réunion qui devait donner lieu à une discussion constructive ?

VOUS pouvez toujours capter leur attention de façon positive en une ou deux minutes avec un message centré sur le « Je ».

Un homme ou une femme qui s’oppose à un chef ou un collègue avec franchise et respect est une personne qui ose ! Les Messages en « Je » sont un outil pour mettre en place des barrières protectrices ou bien pour mettre à bas des barrières qui n’ont pas lieu d’être.

Parlez de VOS besoins avec le « Je »

Quand on aborde une attitude difficile chez une tierce personne, on a tendance à commencer la phrase avec « Vous ».

« Vous me mettez mal à l’aise… »

« Vous causez des problèmes quand… »

« Votre attitude… »

A QUI APPARTIENT LE PROBLEME ?

Le « Vous » implique que l’auteur du comportement a (ou bien cause) un problème. Pourtant, un comportement toxique peut servir ses objectifs.

Dans l’article précédent, nous nous sommes intéressés à l’exemple d’un chef qui touchait de façon inappropriée ses employées. Son comportement confirme qu’il pense qu’il mérite un traitement de faveur, il peut toucher… sans que cela ne le touche lui. Une plaignante peut être réaffirmée dans sa mentalité de victime, malheur à elle ! Personne ne l’aide à se délester de son fardeau.

Ce sont les autres, comme vous et moi, qui expérimentons la difficulté ; nos objectifs ne sont pas atteints. C’est le sentiment de sécurité de la femme qui est violé quand un homme choisit de toucher sa poitrine comme bon lui semble. C’est le besoin de respect du manager qui est mis à bas quand un membre de l’équipe arrive en retard aux réunions avec une tasse de café encore chaude dans la main, le tout surmonté de crème chantilly.

ASSUMEZ LA RESPONSABILITE POUR VOS BESOINS INSATISFAITS

RENDEZ-LES RESPONSABLES POUR LES CONSEQUENCES DE LEURS ACTES

Comment aborder un comportement inapproprié pour que la personne agisse en conséquence et de manière positive ?

Un message en « Je » pose les limites sans juger.

En tant qu’êtres humains et que professionnels, nous cherchons tous à se sentir à notre place et à contribuer positivement à un groupe porté par un but qui en vaut la peine. En tant que managers, nous espérons que les membres de notre équipe trouveront au travail cette communauté pleine de sens !

Quelles sont les qualités nécessaires pour rendre un environnement propice à la mise en place d’un objectif qui fait sens et d’un sentiment fort de coopération ?

  • La confiance
  • La confiance
  • La confiance
  • La sécurité, la responsabilité, l’initiative, l’engagement, la compréhension, l’acceptation, la coopération, l’accueil des différences, la joie, le rire

Des frontières claires et respectées renforcent ces qualités propices au respect.

« On fonctionne de cette manière…. Ce n’est pas comme ça que l’on procède… »

« Comme je sais que ma supérieure assure mes arrières, je suis très actif dans la recherche de moyens pour améliorer notre activité. Je pose des questions à nos clients dans le but d’avoir un retour constructif. Je propose et teste régulièrement des idées pour affiner la qualité de notre service. Je le fais car je sais qu’elle se donne beaucoup de mal pour moi aussi. »

Quand un manager s’approprie le travail de son groupe, il a franchi la limite entre travail de groupe et toxicité. La frontière a été forcée et les besoins des employés ne sont pas satisfaits.

Un message en « Je » aide à parler d’une violation d’un comportement constructif sans pour autant recourir au reproche ou à la honte.

Les Trois Parties d’un Message en « Je »

Il y a trois parties dans un message en « Je ». L’ordre n’a pas d’importance. C’est le fait de couvrir les trois éléments qui compte.

1. EXPOSEZ BRIEBVEMENT LE COMPORTEMENT INDESIRABL

« Quand vous arrivez en retard aux réunions de groupe avec une tasse de café liégeois encore chaude dans la main… »

2. PARTAGEZ VOS RESSENTIS (UN MOT PAR SENTIMENT)

« … je sens de l’injustice… »

3. REVELEZ LES CONSEQUENCES

« Parce que d’autres doivent prendre sur eux pour votre confort. Quelqu’un, moi ou un coéquipier, perd du temps à vous faire un récapitulatif de ce que l’on a déjà abordé. C’est une perte d’argent pour l’entreprise et c’est un manque de considération pour la charge de travail du collègue en question. »

OU

Exprimez ce que vous souhaiteriez

« J’aimerais que vous arriviez à l’heure. »

En ce qui concerne la partie 3, je préfère me concentrer sur les conséquences des actions perturbatrices et permettre à l’autre personne de proposer sa propre solution. Il se peut qu’ils arrivent à l’heure à la réunion avec du café pour tout le monde !  Exprimer un souhait peut paraître directif.

Un Exemple de Message en « Je »

Un professeur de management a raconté comment il avait utilisé les messages en « Je » avec les étudiants de l’université quand le groupe commençait à se dissiper. Un jeune homme en particulier, plus difficile que les autres, avait roulé des yeux, et, marmonnant quelque chose sur l’injustice de la vie, allait et venait bruyamment pendant leur temps de réunion.

Pensant, « Mais quand vont-ils grandir ?! », et sentant sa colère monter, le professeur avait décidé d’attendre le cours suivant pour réagir.

La semaine suivante, pendant une session sur le commerce mondial, il a abordé le sujet de comment saisir les fruits de la diversité en utilisant des messages en « Je ». Les gens de différentes cultures se comportent de façons qui peuvent être déstabilisantes pour les autres.

Il a partagé deux façons de traiter un problème de différence générationnelle dans sa classe :

L’option des messages en « Vous » : « Vous gênez les autres quand vous parlez pendant le cours. »

La classe a souri narquoisement. Ils avaient déjà entendu ce genre de remarques. C’est rentré dans une oreille et ressorti aussitôt par l’autre.

L’option des messages en « Je » : « Quand vous parlez pendant le cours, je me sens volé parce que le bruit supplémentaire me prive de la possibilité d’entrer en contact avec ceux de vos camarades qui sont intéressés et qui souhaitent apprendre. »

La classe s’est tue et leurs yeux se sont écarquillés. « Je pouvais les voir réfléchir… et se rendre compte qu’ils faisaient une différence dans la réussite de toute la classe », a-t-il raconté.

Des Conseils pour Réussir avec des Messages en « Je »

A. PREPAREZ-VOUS EN AMONT, AU CALME

Bonne nouvelle : un message en « Je » est rapide à dire. Si une personne qui n’a pas un bon comportement évite vos tentatives de prises de contact, un message en « Je » d’une minute attirera son attention.

Retour à la réalité : ça prend du temps à préparer.

Un des défis est d’identifier une émotion appropriée au travail.

Quand on dépasse nos limites, notre cerveau passe en mode combat, fuite ou bien arrêt. En fuite ou en arrêt, on ne rétorque pas quelque chose sur le coup. En mode combat par contre, c’est le cas… et avec des mots que l’on veut blessants.

« Je me sens violé… ridiculisé… détruit… usurpé… »

Ces émotions sont réelles et valides. En même temps, ces mots plein de jugement peuvent se retourner contre vous.

Quand notre cerveau se met en mode combat, on répond avec des mots que l’on veut blessants.  Se calmer nous permet d’avoir de nouveau accès à un langage constructif.

Donnez-vous le temps de vous calmer après avoir été confronté à une situation toxique avant d’y répondre.

B. SOYEZ PRECIS

Rappelez une situation toxique qui a eu lieu.

Evitez d’employer les mots « toujours…. » et « jamais…. »

Considérez ces questions :

  • Qu’est-ce qui a été fait ou dit ?
  • Comment vous êtes-vous sentis après ? Comment les autres ont-ils réagis ?
  • Qu’est ce qui a été le déclencheur négatif ?
  • A quoi vous attendiez-vous ?
  • En quoi le comportement actuel diffère-t-il des actions souhaitées ?

Essayez de définir l’écart qui pose problème. Il est utile d’identifier les qualités de l’environnement de travail que vous souhaitez pour le rendre constructif. Vous êtes-vous heurté à de la moquerie alors que vous recherchiez de la confiance ? Êtes-vous relégué à des tâches subalternes alors que vous souhaitez apprendre ?

C. UTILISEZ UN LANGAGE FACTUEL

Quand vous décrivez un comportement, remplacez le vocabulaire subjectif par une description neutre.

« Quand vous insultiez Jane… » invite à une réponse défensive.

« Quand vous avez dit à Jane qu’elle ressemblait à… » relate des faits.

D. REDIGEZ DES EBAUCHES

Plus votre message en « Je » sera clair, plus vous aurez de chance de recevoir une réponse positive.

Il se peut que vous n’ayez qu’une minute pour capter l’attention de « l’employé toxique ».

Les messages en « Je », comme tout nouveau langage, demande de l’entraînement. Imaginez que vous êtes en train de parler à un représentant d’une autre planète (D’une-Ville-Qui-Pense-Vraimeeeeent-Différemment-De-Moi). Essayez votre message en vous entrainant devant votre miroir.

Attendez-vous à rédigez plusieurs brouillons… de chacune des trois parties : le comportement, vos sentiments, et les conséquences.

Relisez. Est-ce que les sentiments sont en lien avec les conséquences ? Si ce n’est pas le cas, repensez à ce qui vous a gêné, et réessayez.

Pensez à votre message en « Je » comme un pitch court. Qui doit attirer l’attention. Qui invite à la collaboration. 10 brouillons !

E. CHOISISSEZ DES OCCASIONS

Partager et recevoir des messages en « Je » implique de la vulnérabilité et du courage. Utilisez ces ressources précieuses avec parcimonie. Il serait dommage de vous créer une réputation de quelqu’un qui ne fait que souligner les problèmes.

« Quand tu laisses le stylo ouvert sans son bouchon, je… »

« Quand tu prends le dernier Kinder à la cafétéria, je… »

Se Laisser Être Surpris par la Réponse

Certaines personnes incluent un autre élément au message en « Je » : une demande pour une action précise. J’aime croire que la personne réagira efficacement.

Le professeur d’université a également raconté « la fin de l’histoire ».

« La semaine suivante, je suis arrivé en classe en avance et l’élève le plus perturbateur était déjà là. Je suis allé le voir, lui ai fait remarquer sa ponctualité et lui ai dit à quel point j’appréciais son effort de comportement. Il a souri, eu un petit rire et a dit « Ouais. Je pense que c’est la première fois cette année ! »

Il a contribué positivement tout au long de la classe. Alors qu’il s’en allait, je lui ai de nouveau dit que j’avais remarqué sa participation pertinente. Il s’est exclamé « Et, vous savez, j’ai écouté alors même que la fille derrière moi n’arrêtait pas de me planter son stylo dans le dos pendant tout le cours. Je ne me mettrai plus devant elle ! »

Je pensais que c’était une personne toxique. Il m’a prouvé le contraire. Son comportement avait été répréhensible mais il s’est montré capable de contributions positives même dans des circonstances difficiles. Il a surpassé toutes mes attentes. »

C’est pourquoi j’aime présenter un message en « Je » et permettre à l’autre de me surprendre avec leur propre réponse constructive. Ça arrive dans la plupart des cas.

… Et si les difficultés persistent, alors il est temps d’adopter encore une autre méthode. Nous en parlerons la semaine prochaine.

Lire : Qu’est-ce qu’un employé toxique ?

Lire : Solutions alternatives au licenciement d’un employé toxique – 1/3

Tiger in cage. Safe boundaries.

Alternatives to Firing a “Toxic Employee” – 2/3

Counter Toxicity with “I”Messages

Challenging employees often diffuse their toxins under the radar which makes the negative impact difficult to contain.

Last post we looked at getting the behavior out in the open.  What if your colleague avoids you and slithers out of setting a meeting for constructive discussion?

YOU can still positively catch their attention in one or two minutes with an “I” Message.

A man or a woman who stands up to a boss or colleague with forthrightness and respect has balls!  “I” Messages are a tool to position protective boundaries or remove unnecessary fences.

Address YOUR Needs with “I” Messages

When we address the challenging behavior of someone else, the tendency is to begin the sentence with “You.”

“You make me feel uncomfortable….”

“You cause problems when….”

“Your attitude…”

To Whom Does the Problem Belong?

This implies that “You” has (or is causing) a problem.  However, toxic behavior may serve the perpetrator’s purposes.

In the previous article, we looked at an example of a boss who inappropriately touched female employees.  His behavior confirms his belief in deserving preferential treatment; he can touch…without it touching him.  A complainer can be confirmed in her victim mentality; woe is she!  No one helps her by removing her burden.

It’s other people, like you and me, that experience the difficulty; our goals are not met.  It is the woman’s sense of security that is violated when a man chooses to touch her chest at his whim.  It is the manager’s need for respect that is undermined when a team member arrives late for meetings with a cup of warm coffee topped off with fresh whipped cream.

Take Responsibility for YOUR Unmet Need
Give Responsibility for THE Consequences of THEIR Actions

How to address inappropriate behavior so that the person acts on it positively?

An “I” message establishes limits without making judgements.

As humans and as professionals, we each seek to belong and to contribute positively to a group with a worthwhile purpose.   As managers, we hope our team members will find that meaningful community at work!

What are the differentiating qualities of an environment which builds meaningful purpose (the kind we all dream of finding at work) and an engaged sense of partnership?

  • Trust
  • Trust
  • Trust
  • Security, Responsibility, Initiative, Commitment, Understanding, Acceptance, Cooperation, Welcome of differences, Joy, Laughter

Clear and respected boundaries foster these respect-building qualities.

“We act this way….  This is not what we do….”

“Because I know my manager has my back, I am on the lookout for ways to improve our business.  I ask our customers more insight-seeking questions.  I regularly propose and test out ideas to tweak our service quality.  I do it because she is going out of her way for me too.”

When a manager takes credit for his group’s work, he has crossed over the line from teamwork to toxic.  The boundary has been broached and employee needs are unmet.

An “I” Message helps communicate a breach in constructive behavior without resorting to blame or shame.

The Three Parts of an “I” Message

There are three-parts to an “I” message.  The order is not important.  Covering all three elements matters.

1. Briefly state the undesired behavior

“When you arrive late in team meetings with a steaming cup of coffee with fresh whipped cream in your hands….”

2. Share your feelings (one word per feeling)

“…I feel resentful…”

3. Express the consequences

“because others suffer for your comfort.  Someone, me or a team mate, spends extra time to bring you up to date with what we already covered.  It is a waste of company money and a lack of consideration for the team member’s workload.”

OR

Express what you wish

“I would like you to arrive on time.”

With regards to Part 3, I prefer to focus on the consequences of the disruptive actions and allow the other person to come up with his own solution.  They might and come to the meeting on time with fresh coffee for everyone!  Expressing a wish can sound directive.

“I” Message Example

A management professor shared how he used “I” messages with university students when the group became unfocused.  People talked without listening to each other.  The group became dissipated.  One particularly challenging young man rolled his eyes and, mumbling over the unfairness of life, noisily moved his chair about during their meeting time.

Thinking, “When will they grow up?!” and feeling his temper rising, the professor decided to wait for the next class to respond.

The following week, during a session on global business, he addressed the topic of reaping the benefits of diversity by using “I” messages.  People from different cultures behave in ways that could be unsettling to the other.

He shared two ways to address an issue of generational disparity in their class:

Option “You” Message: “You are causing problems for others by talking in class.”

The class smirked.  They had heard similar comments before.  It went in one ear and out the other.

Option “I” Message: “When you speak in class while I am teaching, I feel robbed because the additional noise takes away the opportunity for me to connect with interested classmates and for them to learn.”

The class went silent and eyes popped open.  “I could see them thinking…and realizing they made a difference in the success of the entire class!” he shared.

Tips for Success with “I” Messages

1. Prepare in Advance, When Calm

Good news:  An “I” Message is quick to say.   If the person with disruptive behavior dodges attempts to connect, a one-minute “I” Message will catch his attention.

Reality check: It takes time to prepare.

A big challenge lies in identifying a work-appropriate emotion.

When our boundaries are crossed, our brain goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode.  In flight or freeze, we do not retort on the spot.  In fight state we do… with words intended to wound.
“I feel violated…ridiculed…crushed…usurped…”

The emotions are real and valid.  At the same time, these judgement-filled words can backfire.

When our brains are in fight mode, we respond with words intended to hurt.  Calming down allows us to re-access helpful language.

Give yourself time to calm down from experiencing a toxic situation before responding to it.

2. Be Specific

Bring to mind an actual toxic situation.

Avoid “always _____” and “never ______”

Consider these questions:

  • What was said or done?
  • How did it make you feel? How did others respond?
  • What was the negative trigger?
  • What were you expecting?
  • How does the actual behavior differ from the desired actions?

Try and define the bothersome gap. It is helpful to identify the qualities of a constructive workplace you seek to build. Were you hoping for trust and found mockery instead?  Are you seeking learning and are relegated menial tasks?

3. Use factual language

When describing the behavior, replace judgmental language with a neutral description.

When you insulted Jane…” invites a defensive response.

“When you told Jane that she looked like …” relays facts.

4. Prepare Written Drafts

The clearer your “I” Message, the more likely it will invite a positive response.

You might only have one minute to catch the attention of the “toxic employee.”

“I” Messages, like any new language, takes practice.  Imagine you are speaking to a representative from another planet (someone who Thinks-Waaaaay-Differently-From-Me).  Try your message out by speaking at your image in the mirror.

Expect to write several drafts…of each of the three parts: the behavior, your feelings, and the consequences.

Review.  Do the feelings relate to the consequences?  If not, reconsider what bothered you and try again.

Think of your “I” Message like an elevator pitch.  Attention-grabbing.  Inviting collaboration.  10 rough drafts!

5. Choose Occasions

Sharing and receiving “I” Messages involves vulnerability and courage.  Use these precious resources, wisely.  It would be a shame to create a reputation of fault-seeking.

“When you leave the cap off the pen….”

“When you take the last Kinder at the cafeteria…”

Trust to Respond

Some people include an additional element in the “I” Message:  a request for a specific action.  I like to trust the person to respond productively.

The university professor above shared “the rest of the story.”

“The following week, I arrived in class early and the student with the most disruptive behavior was already there.  I went up to him, noticed his timeliness, and shared how I appreciated his effort for punctuality.  He smiled, chuckled and remarked, ‘Yeah.  I think this is the first time this year!’

He contributed positively throughout the class.  As he was leaving, again I commented noticing his helpful participation.  He exclaimed, ‘And, you know, I paid attention even though the student behind me was sticking her pen in my back during the entire class.  I’m not sitting in front of her again!’

I had thought he was a toxic person.  He taught me otherwise.  His behavior had been reprehensible but he proved capable of positive contributions even under adverse circumstances.  He performed beyond my expectations.”

That’s why I like to present an “I” Message and allow the other person to surprise me with their own constructive response.  It happens in most situations.

…and if challenges persist, then it’s time to seek yet a different approach.  We’ll address that next week.

Read: “What is a Toxic Employee”?

Read: Alternatives to Firing Toxic Employees – Acknowledge the challenge…and your role in it

Business man with gas mask. Toxic behavior.

What is a “Toxic Employee”?

Last week we began a series on managing “toxic employees.”

One reader inquired, “What, exactly, is a toxic employee?”

It is such a great (and obvious) question, that we’re addressing it now before going on to additional constructive communication tools to develop collaboration with these colleagues.

What is a “Toxic Employee”?

“Toxic employee” is one of those phrases that gets thrown around without clarification.

People are not toxic.  Behaviors are.

People get labeled according to their behaviors.

“She’s a high potential.”

“He’s totally toxic.”

Read about labels that create a disconnect with listeners.

worldview-beliefs-values-behaviors icebergOur actions stem from our beliefs and attitudes.  You and I operate according to our conscious and unconscious convictions.

Just because a person bravely stands up to a bully does not make her a brave person in all circumstances.  She sure acted with courage in this instance. This strengthens her and others’ confidence that she could do so under even more challenging conditions too.

Similarly, someone who trips over his feet is not a klutz.  He acts clumsy.

Who we are is more than how we act.

Mindset Matters

The purpose of this series on toxic behavior at work is to present solutions which foster lasting, constructive behavior.

We do so by addressing the beliefs behind the behaviors.

Fixed and Growth Mindsets

Dr. Carol Dweck, professor at Columbia University, identified two underlying attitudes towards growth.  These attitudes either extend or constrain our view of ourselves and of others.

People with the Fixed Mindset believe that people have qualities and they reach a maximum capability level and cannot go further.  Like our height.  My brother, a longstanding adult, is 6’2”.  He won’t grow taller.

Folk with a Growth Mindset consider that we can change throughout life.  Like muscle.  My brother joined a gym. His biceps are more pronounced than a few months ago!

Moving Between Mindsets

Through our interactions with people we can encourage either of these mindsets.

Labels move people towards the fixed mindset. This is true whether it’s a positive or negative label.  Once identified as toxic, always problematic.  Once considered high-potential, always more is expected of them.

I seek to orient people towards the growth mindset and do so through constructive communication tools that provide choices within clear limits. This approach to communication renders people responsible for their actions and invites collaboration and mutual respect.

These tools are founded on the psychological principles of Dr. Alfred Adler and have been confirmed by neuroscience.  For example, Dweck describes that people with a fixed mindset focus on declarative statements.  “This is the way it is.  Period.”  Growth mindset folk entertain questions.  “What will it take to move from here to there?”

Dweck asserts that people can change mindsets.  The realization that these two worldviews exist has helped many recognize their fixed mindset tendencies and to intentionally focus on developing more of a growth perspective.

Toxic behavior is often a symptom of a fixed mindset.  The person believes his label is superior to another’s.  They therefore deserve special treatment.  (They can be a bigger victim too.)

The purpose of this series on toxic behavior at work is to present growth mindset solutions to

  • Avoid falling into a fixed mindset trap
  • Invite challenging employees to grow
    … thanks to relationship tools that are simultaneously firm and kind
  • Be in expectation that the colleague can and will progress

Toxic Behaviors at Work

When a person spreads rumors, it’s poisoning the atmosphere.

When a boss misuses power, he is killing trust.

I have noticed two categories of particularly venomous behaviors:  undermining colleagues and expecting favored treatment.  These share a worldview of needing to be “superior to others.”

Here is how they might be expressed at work:

Undermining colleagues

  • Stealing ideas and taking the credit for oneself
  • Spreading rumors
    “Too bad Stacey lacks confidence.”
  • Focusing on faults and publicizing them
    “Here comes Joe who makes spills coffee on his pants.”
  • Initiating power struggles, as in passive-aggression
    “Too bad you did not take into account this information before making the decision.” They then present data that would have been helpful earlier.

Expecting favored treatment

  • Abusing power, no matter the level of responsibility
  • Judging others for behaviors they consider acceptable for themselves
    “Sam is so irresponsible for being late. I, however, have a legitimate excuse.”
  • Requesting special favors
    “I should get two presents at the holiday party because …” (it happened)
  • Complaining

These behaviors leave a sour taste in the mouth.  The value of people has been sullied.

Creating an Environment where People Grow

People can change.  Colleagues with toxic behavior can become collaborative team members (and visa versa).  I have personally seen it happen on numerous occasions.  The name SoSooper stands for becoming super through bloopers.  By learning from our professional and personal mistakes, we prosper in making a living and in life.

Change first

THE EFFECTIVE WAY OF CHANGING OTHER PEOPLE IS TO FIRST CHANGE YOURSELF.

Imagine a tennis ball bouncing against a wall.  When you throw it repeatedly the same way, the ball will bounce back in a predictable fashion.  How to get the ball to bounce differently?

  • Change the ball
  • Change the way you throw
  • Change the wall

Changing other people is like trying to alter the shape of the ball.  It means constraining it into another shape, like force-wrapping it in tape.  It works AS LONG AS THE PRESSURE LASTS.  It’s uncomfortable for the person being compacted (and they resist), and it’s a pain to continuously apply pressure.

Create growth opportunities

The relationship tools in this series (and throughout my blog and in my trainings) present ways to change the way we toss a ball.  We act differently SO THAT the person with unacceptable behavior faces the responsibility and results of his acts.  These tools create learning situations which invite a constructive response from the offending party.

In the previous post, we looked at addressing toxic behavior by acknowledging a rift in the relationship, admitting we could have a role in it, and having them recognize that they share a responsibility in it too.  Those tools were not about telling them about their faults.  “Something is wrong with our interactions (not with you).  Tell me how you understand the situation.”

This approach demands, in a firm and kind manner, that the other person account for his behavior.

Read: Alternatives to Firing Toxic Employees – Acknowledge the challenge…and your role in it

When we change our behavior, it impacts multiple relationships. When we stop complaining to other colleagues about someone else’s toxic behavior, we open up to creativity and become more productive with all our team members.  The environment flourishes.

Toxic Example

Consider this actual situation.  One boss, in the guise of being helpful, would touch women inappropriately.  When they were in private, he would say with concern, “You have a thingee on your sweater,” and reach over and pluck a crumb (real or imagined?) from her chest.

He’s the boss.  It’s her bosom. That’s an abuse of power.  It’s also difficult to react to.

How to respond to unacceptable behavior in a way that respects yourself (setting clear limits) and respects the other person (not stooping to shame and blame behavior)?

Fixed Mindset Responses

She wanted to exclaim, “You jerk!”

That labels him and more firmly instills him in a fixed mindset.

She could respond with a clear command, “Please keep your hands off my chest.”

He is surely prepared for such a reaction and, with assumed hurt, would assure that he only wanted to help.  HE is the victim for having been misunderstood.

Toxin diffusers worm their way out of responsibility.

Take Responsibility & Render Responsible

Consider this way of addressing the delicate dilemma with an “I” Message, one of the constructive communication tools that effectively establishes limits and invites the offender to a more respectful behavior.  (“I” Messages are the topic of the next post.)  Here is how it could play out:

A few days later, when the woman has had time to gather her thoughts, she is ready to set limits and point to positive collaboration. “When you plucked that crumb off my sweater, I felt uncomfortable and perplexed because I consider my chest to be a private space and yet our relationship is professional.”

Pause.

“I feel more comfortable when there is a clear distinction between the two.”

The disruptive behavior has been contained without judging the person as toxic.

 

She cannot control his response, and we will address this further next week.  In the meantime, please leave questions or comments below.

Read: Alternatives to Firing Toxic Employees – Acknowledge the challenge…and your role in it

Man reflecting in park

When It’s Urgent to Reflect

For many of us reflection seems like a luxury in our over-packed schedules and high-efficiency mindset.

We feel a need to respond immediately.

To respond!

In our world of disruptive innovation and fast change, don’t we really need to initiate?

Proactivity requires reflection.  Overcoming recurring stumbling blocks demands new solutions.  In the words of Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”

Reflection gets us thinking at another level.

“We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”
– Albert Einstein

Here are five situations when deeper level thinking is vital.

1. When Faced with Failure

  • The deal you were about to close fell through at the last minute.
  • You expected a positive response from a colleague and met a very different reaction.
  • An employee left the company or is in burnout.

Step back

We could be too close to the problem.

Try stepping back using space.   Using Post-It notes, write one element of your challenge on each note and place them in order on a wall.  Step back and discover the pattern.  Where is the breaking point?

Try stepping back or forward with time.  Two weeks ago, what was the situation like?  Two weeks from now, what would you like to happen?

2. When Your Body “Complains”

  • You cannot sleep at night.
  • You have gained or lost weight.
  • You get sick.
  • Your digestion has gone havoc; gurgling sounds interrupt your meetings (!)

“If I knew I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.”
– 90 year-old Al McDonald, previous Managing Director (CEO) of McKinsey & Company

Your and my energy is finite.  With exercise, nutrition, self-care, and planning we can increase our productivity … to a limit.

Re-Prioritize

Physical signs point to a need for change.  It’s time to re-evaluate the distribution of work.  Are you accepting too many projects?  Is it difficult to say, “No”?

Seeking recognition is a common goal.  All humans experience the fundamental need to belong and to contribute to a meaningful community.  Colleagues and neighbors may admire superhumans from afar.  It’s people we come alongside.  It’s relationships with fellow humans that bring meaning to work and life.

Review your investments in time and energy to identify tasks to delegate… and offer others a chance to grow and contribute too.

3. When Bored or Feeling Blasé

When all you see is 10 000 shades of grey, mental fatigue may be blinding you to life in full color spectrum.

Re-Connect

Consider these color images.  The first lacks greens.  The second is without red.  Without these hues, one can miss out on the obvious.

Numbers for Color Blind. No green
No green => confusing!

Numbers for Color Blind. No red
No red => confusing too.

Color blind numbers vector
Even with all the color, reading the numbers takes effort. Similarly, additional perspectives makes reflection easier.

When life appears color blind, it’s an invitation to reflect.  Easier said than done when we are in the blues.  Connecting with another person can add the clarity of perception we may have temporarily lost.  (That’s what coaches like me do.)

We have been given life in technicolor.  It’s urgent to re-assess when life appears monochromatic.

4. When Your Calendar is Always Full

I read of a foreigner learning English who integrated phrases she heard spoken around herShe learned to respond to, “How are you?” with, “I’m so busy.”

Many of us live with little margin.  We plan flexibility out of our lives.

Think of Yourself

Have you travelled on an airplane recently?  The flight attendants remind us to put on our oxygen mask BEFORE we help others.

Many people postpone self-care, prioritize working for others over taking time for oneself.   If you don’t invest in yourself, why should anyone else?

Self-care is a way to express your worth to your entourage.  Again, if you don’t believe in yourself, why should your boss, colleague, spouse, or child?

5. When You are Bitter or Jealous

We all look at the world through a filter.  The lens of envy focuses on faults … and since we are all humans, imperfections in each of us will be found.

Bitterness jettisons us into a vicious cycle of hurt and retaliation. It’s a lose-lose situation, and the one who harbors bitterness suffers most of all.

Lack of forgiveness is like drinking the poison you wish for someone else, reminds us Nelson Mandela.  Riddled with venom we perish; our joy dies, our ability to contribute constructively dwindles, and our sense of belonging withers.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
– Nelson Mandela

Focus on Long Term Benefits

Numerous studies report how the elderly look back on their life.  Men and women lament the energy they wasted on insisting that they were right, even at the cost of a relationship.  The wise in years wish for strong rapport with folk who know their imperfections AND respect them still.

You may not desire nor need to reconnect in a hurtful relationship.  Do reconnect with yourself and your values.  (Often this does imply some kind of gesture in relationship recovery.)

It takes some stepping back to recognize our own responsibility in a relationship rift.

  • The 10 additional critical words to make SURE the reprimand got across
  • The 10 additional decibels in our tone of voice so that the entire floor could hear the negative feedback

As we realize and express our responsibility in the conflict, we free ourselves from a victim mentality and from reactivity.

Do you use a mirror to pluck out an ingrown hair?  Consider getting a coach or a sparring partner to bring to focus behaviors which could be aggravating an already delicate situation.

 

Reflection Becomes a Habit of the Mind

Reflection becomes a habit.

Try this activity from Positive Discipline that we do in my workshops:

  • Put your hands together and interlace your fingers
  • Straighten your fingers and move them down one notch. If your right index was on top before, the left one will be on top now.
  • How does it feel? What do you want to do?
    One participant shared, “The new hand position felt weird.  I wanted to go back to the previous way, and without thinking did so.  Then I tried the new hand position again.  It still felt unfamiliar, but less uncomfortable.  I realized that with practice, I could do this.”

Neuroscience corroborates this phenomenon.  When we activate our brain (as in through reflection) neurons create a pathway of connections from one part of the brain to another.  As we rethink similar thoughts, those same pathways get utilized, like a path a well-worn path that becomes easier and easier to follow.

Phew!

Action Step

Schedule a free trial coaching call.  Get in touch.