Sand seeping through hands

4 Timely Ways to Overcome Procrastination Quickly

With HUGE delight we welcome our guest blogger, Sonya Kaiser.  Sonya was a high school classmate of my son and has now graduated from University of Pennsylvania in Biological Basis of Behavior with a minor in Psychology.  Sonya is bi-cultural, with a French father and American mother, and has lived on several continents.  She currently teaches in a bilingual pre-school in Seattle, Washington, USA.

It’s a treat to benefit from her scientific knowledge of the brain and its impact on behavior.  It’s also an honor to feature a young woman whom I knew as a teen and is now a colleague.  She’s keeping me on my toes!

Please do let Sonya know what you think of her article! Which of the Procrastination Traps catches you most off guard?!  How do you overcome it? Share your questions about neurology and time management in the comments.

 

Sand seeping through hands
Time running out

We’ve all done it, thought “I’ll do it tomorrow”, left an assignment to the last minute, procrastinated a task for so long that eventually we just forgot we wanted to do it in the first place.

Procrastination is an enemy to many and the best way to handle it is to know your enemy.

Did you know that procrastination can be caused by a few  psychological patterns? Which one of these speaks to you?

Procrastination Causes

Fear of Failure

Fear of failure
“Oops!”

The reason that is most commonly brought up is a fear of failure.

The feelings of anxiety or self-doubt that come over you when you’re unsure whether you can complete a task successfully can quickly become crippling and prevent you from getting started.

Even worse, as time goes by, you can start overthinking and building the task so much in your mind that it becomes harder and harder to overcome that fear.

Self-Defense

Kids in viking costumer with shields
“No way!”

Another possible cause of procrastination is a sort of self-defense mechanism, to maintain a positive view of yourself.

Your sense of self-worth is often determined by your ability to successfully complete tasks. This is why it’s often easier to check easy tasks off your to-do list than more challenging ones, why you might tend to avoid anything with a higher likelihood of failure.

Procrastination can also be a convenient defense if you do end up failing.

If you don’t give yourself enough time to complete the task, you can blame the failure on the lack of time rather than your own lack of ability, which in turn enables you to maintain your confidence in your abilities.

Problem for the “Future Me”

Einstein in color graffiti
“I’ll be smarter later”

Another common reason to procrastinate is the idea that your future self will be better equipped to handle the task. You might think you’ll be in a better mood, less tired, or more emotionally prepared in a few hours or a few days and you leave the burden of your task to a future you.

 

Which of the above have tempted you the most?!  Fear of Failure – Self-Defense – Delegate to “Future Me”

Want help setting up your Pro-Doing-It-Now plan?  Ask your question here.

Strategies to Turn Procrastination Around

Divide tasks into smaller pieces

Watermelon cut into smaller pieces
Chop, chop

This will make them seem more manageable. It’s always less daunting to start a task when you can picture the end of it.

Tips for parents

Instead of writing “clean the house” on your to-do list, try “tidy living room, do laundry, mop floors, vacuum floors, fold clothes”

Tips for students

Instead of writing “write 10-page essay” on your to-do list, try “find topic for essay, research for 2 hours, write an essay plan, flesh out essay”.

Set tangible deadlines

kitchen time
“Driiiiing!” Time is up.

If a deadline isn’t imposed by someone else, try giving yourself one. Self-imposed deadlines are generally less effective than external ones, but they’re better than nothing!

Tips for parents

If you do give your kids a deadline, try using “when” rather than “if”. For instance, try saying “When you’re done cleaning your room, we can play a board game” instead of “If you clean your room, we can play together”

Tips for students

Try setting a timer to encourage yourself to work for a specific amount of time without stopping or getting distracted.

Block access to distractions

Fence with this way sign
Stop. Turn. Go.

It’s so easy to let your attention wander. As an adult, the main culprits are often distracting websites like social media or streaming services. But kids can be distracted by anything that moves, anything that makes a noise or even by their own exciting inner lives.

Tips for parents

Try keeping your kids’ attention focused on boring tasks, like putting on shoes and coats, with a little song that you can all sing together.

Tips for students

There are a few great apps that can help you block websites in a more effective manner than just self-monitoring, like SelfControl and StayFocusd.

Find joy in the task itself

Boys in garden
“Joie de vivre” – Contagious joy.

It always helps productivity and mood to think of tasks as things that you want to do or get to do, rather than things you have to do. Try to make tasks either positive, worthwhile or entertaining in some way.

Tips for parents

Add a sense of competition to dull tasks like getting ready for school. The first person who’s completely ready gets to ring a little bell! Ready, set, go!

Tips for students

Instead of sitting down or pacing while studying some flashcards, put on some music and have a little dance party!

 

Construisez la Confiance de vos Enfants

“Quelles compĂ©tences voulez-vous transmettre Ă  vos enfants?”

Ludocatix chore chartC’est ainsi que nous commençons nos ateliers de Discipline Positive et les parents partagent une liste de qualificatifs comme celle-ci:

– ResponsabilitĂ©
– Autonomie
– L’amour de l’excellence
– Empathie
– Le respect
– Le travail en Ă©quipe
– …

Le partage de tĂąches mĂ©nagĂšres vous aide Ă  transmettre ces compĂ©tences Ă  vos enfants ET, SIMULTANÉMENT, vous facilite la vie. Ludocatix vous propose un tableau de corvĂ©e magnĂ©tique que vous et les enfants, ensemble, adaptez Ă  votre style de vie.

Le Saviez-Vous?

Dans un sondage paru dans les Wall Street Journal et menĂ© auprĂšs de 1001 adultes amĂ©ricains, 82% ont dĂ©clarĂ© qu’ils avaient des tĂąches mĂ©nagĂšres lorsqu’ils Ă©taient enfants mais seulement 23% ont indiquĂ© qu’ils demandaient Ă  leurs enfants pour les faire.

Que s’est il passĂ© ?

Beaucoup de parents ont l’impression de charger leurs enfants de corvĂ©es et de se sentir coupables. Ou ils craignent que les corvĂ©es puissent avoir un impact nĂ©gatif sur leur relation avec leurs enfants. Pourtant, la recherche dĂ©montre le contraire.

La recherche indique que les enfants qui font des corvées ont une meilleure estime de soi, sont plus responsables et font mieux face à la frustration ce qui contribue à une plus grande réussite scolaire.

Est-ce que ce ne sont pas les compétences que les parents veulent transmettre à leurs enfants ?

Le cadeau du jour est un tableau magnétique que vous pouvez créer avec vos enfants afin de les aide à se souvenir de leurs tùches ménagÚres de façon amusante et colorée.

10 Façons dont les Enfants Bénéficient des Corvées

Voici 10 raisons pour lesquelles les corvĂ©es sont bonnes pour les enfants … et donc gĂ©nial pour vous aussi.

  1. Pour aider les enfants à se sentir nécessaire
    Comment dĂ©finissez-vous votre famille? Que faĂźtes-vous pour que vos enfants sentent qu’ils font rĂ©ellement partie de la famille ? Dites aux enfants qu’ils ont un rĂŽle Ă  jouer pour contribuer au bien-ĂȘtre de tous.
  2. Stimuler le gout de l’excellence
    En ce qui concerne les corvĂ©es, les parents peuvent voir la qualitĂ© du travail et fournir une rĂ©compense. “ChĂ©rie, est-ce c’est du dentifrice rose que je vois dans l’évier de la salle de bain ?Un lavabo propre est un lavabo brillant et blanc. Montre-moi comment tu l’as nettoyĂ© la derniĂšre fois et nous trouverons une chose que tu peux faire diffĂ©remment pour faire briller l’Ă©vier!”
  3. Ne pas traiter les parents comme des serviteurs
    Lorsque les parents font toutes les corvĂ©es, les enfants ont tendance Ă  traiter ces derniers comme des serviteurs dont le but est de satisfaire leurs dĂ©sirs. Quand les enfants participent aux corvĂ©es, leur respect pour leurs parents grandit. Ils ne vont pas traiter maman ou papa comme des serviteurs, parce qu’ils font la mĂȘme chose! “ChĂ©ri(e), nous sommes une famille.  Tout le monde participe.”
  4. Pour enseigner la responsabilité
    Le lave-vaisselle se vide tous les jours. Les dĂ©chets sont retirĂ©s plusieurs fois par semaine. Nous passons l’aspirateur rĂ©guliĂšrement dans le salon. Les tĂąches mĂ©nagĂšres sont des tĂąches rĂ©currentes et les enfants apprennent l’importance de faire des efforts.
  5. GĂ©rer le temps
    Les corvĂ©es nĂ©cessitent un peu de temps. Cela prend 5 minutes de mettre la table. 10 minutes pour nettoyer le couloir. 10 minutes pour passer l’aspirateur sous la table Ă  manger. Une corvĂ©e rĂ©guliĂšre nĂ©cessite un enfant afin d’intĂ©grer ces corvĂ©es dans leur emploi du temps quotidien.
  6. Améliorer les résultats scolaires
    La performance Ă  l’Ă©cole est souvent liĂ©e Ă  des efforts continus et rĂ©guliers … tout comme les corvĂ©es mĂ©nagĂšres. La maĂźtrise d’un sujet se dĂ©veloppe peu Ă  peu avec la pratique quotidienne. Les corvĂ©es donnent des rĂ©sultats immĂ©diats et renforcent ainsi la valeur de cet effort quotidien.
  7. Pour construire l’empathie
    Nous faisons des corvĂ©es au profit de tous les membres de la famille, pas seulement pour nous-mĂȘmes. À un Ăąge prĂ©coce, les enfants qui font des corvĂ©es apprennent Ă  penser et Ă  agir pour les autres.
  8. Construire l’espoir pour leur avenir en tant qu’adult(e)
    Les corvĂ©es deviennent vraiment du travail quand elles sont faites seules. Quand les enfants voient leurs parents toujours occupĂ©s avec les tĂąches mĂ©nagĂšres et jamais disponibles pour eux, ils crĂ©ent une vision triste de l’Ăąge adulte : que du travail et pas de plaisir. Pourquoi sortir de l’enfance pour devenir l’esclave du labeur?
  9. Devenir un partenaire plus attractif
    En tant que mĂšre de quatre garçons, je leur rappelle souvent : “ Si vous voulez attirer une femme de valeur, vous ne pouvez pas la traiter comme une servante. Traitez-la comme une femme de valeur! “ Et cela signifie faire votre part des corvĂ©es.
  10. Pour ĂȘtre apprĂ©ciĂ© et reconnu
    Le rĂ©sultat des corvĂ©es est immĂ©diat. Soit la table est mise, soit elle ne l’est pas. Et tout le monde dans la famille sait Ă  qui c’est le tour de mettre la table Ă  manger cette semaine. “ ChĂ©rie, c’est un trĂšs beau travail de plier les serviettes de cette façon. Je t’en remercie! ”

Finalement, nous n’avons mĂȘme pas mentionnĂ© que les enfants prĂ©fĂšrent une maison propre, ils testent les compĂ©tences de nĂ©gociation (“Est-ce que tu peux  faire la vaisselle pour moi aujourd’hui et demain je passerai l’aspirateur dans l’escalier ?”)

Tableau des corvées

Comment passer de la théorie à la pratique ? Un tableau des corvées aide certainement. Et les cartes magnétiques colorées de Ludocatix le rendent plus facile à utiliser.

Les enfants et les parents travaillent ensemble pour décider qui fait quoi et quand.

Et à mesure que les enfants grandissent que leurs capacités évoluent et que les besoins de votre famille changent, eh bien, déplacez simplement les aimants pour mettre à jour le tableau !

Photo de Frank McKenna sur Unsplash

Hands helping each other

Faites la Paix avec Quelqu’un

Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home

1 heure de coaching pour réparer une relation + des SMS quotidiens de suivis pendant 1 semaine avec Denise Dampierre 

Comment recevoir ce cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous avez l’opportunitĂ© de gagner le cadeau grĂące Ă  notre tirage au sort. N’hĂ©sitez plus, la chance est avec vous !

Le cadeau du jour vous aide Ă  vivre une vie sans regrets et Ă  rĂ©parer vos relations. Vous recevrez une heure de coaching pour crĂ©er un plan de rĂ©conciliation et vous bĂ©nĂ©ficieriez d’un suivi SMS quotidien pendant 1 semaine pour vous encourager et modifier votre plan selon vos besoins.

RĂ©concilier ?  C’est la Question

Obtenons l’avis sur ce sujet de personnalitĂ©s connues :

Steve Jobs, fondateur de Apple entre autre

Quel que soit l’Ă©tape de la vie dans laquelle nous sommes en ce moment, au final, nous allons devoir affronter le jour ou le rideau tombera.

Faites un trĂ©sor de l’amour pour votre famille, de l’amour pour votre mari ou femme, de l’amour pour vos amis…

Que chacun agisse avec amour et occupez-vous de votre prochain.

Clayton Christensen, professeur à Harvard Business School.  En parlant des relations parents-enfants :

Le temps de planter un arbre est avant que vous ayez besoin de son ombre.

Charmantes Dames

Que feriez-vous aujourd’hui pour que votre relation reste aussi forte et vive demain ?

L’histoire d’une maman

Voici un aperçu d’une conversation de coaching avec une mĂšre de quatre enfants :

Maman: “Je ne veux pas faire face aux erreurs du passĂ© que j’ai pu commettre avec mes enfants. Je suis humaine.”

S’excuser ? Non !

“Voici comment je traite mes erreurs du passĂ©. C’est comme si je les balayais sous le tapis et les plaçais derriĂšre moi pour que je ne les vois pas.”

Nous avons tous les deux beaucoup ri en imaginant la scĂšne et ce que les enfants verraient : une mĂšre souriante avec un tapis TRES CAHOTEUX derriĂšre elle! LOL

Pendant que nous parlions, elle a admis que les dĂ©bris se trouvaient vraiment entre elle et ces enfants, comme un obstacle Ă  escalader pour gagner de l’intimitĂ©.

Maman: “Un petit obstacle n’est pas un problĂšme.”

Coach: “Quel est votre objectif avec vos enfants? Avoir une grande intimitĂ© ou de petits problĂšmes?

Hand building lego wall
Les barriÚres se construisent ou se détruisent ?

Désolé Semble Etre le plus Difficile des mots

“Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word” – le titre d’une chanson de Elton John

“Mais j’ai raison!”

Les parents peuvent se demander: “Pourquoi s’excuser quand j’ai raison?!”

Il faut deux personnes pour avoir un conflit. TrĂšs rarement une partie a 100% raison et l’autre a complĂ©tement faux.

En ce qui concerne le problĂšme sous-jacent entre vous et votre enfant, vous avez probablement raison. La chambre a besoin d’ĂȘtre nettoyĂ©e. Il faut rentrer Ă  l’heure aprĂšs la fĂȘte. La façon dont vos enfants parlent aux aĂźnĂ©s compte Ă©galement.

Et le processus compte aussi. Peut-ĂȘtre avez-vous eu une rĂ©action excessive ? Êtes-vous fermĂ© aux commentaires de votre enfant qui voulait partager son point de vue ? Des distractions ont-elles limitĂ©es votre capacitĂ© Ă  vous concentrer sur votre bien-aimĂ©  ?

Durant le coaching, j’aide les parents Ă  savoir quand ils ont mis de l’huile sur le feu et que cela a entraĂźnĂ© des tensions dans la famille.

Ne soyez pas dĂ©solĂ© de demander Ă  votre enfant de ranger sa chambre. C’est votre devoir de parent.

Vous pouvez vous sentir attristĂ© de lui crier dessus quand il ne vous a pas rĂ©pondu aprĂšs que vous lui ayez demandĂ© de faire quelques choses plusieurs fois. “Et, chĂ©rie, est-ce que nous pouvons travailler ensemble de telle sorte que je ne sois pas tentĂ© d’Ă©lever la voix parce que tu ne me rĂ©ponds pas plus rapidement ?

“Est-ce que les excuses vous rendre plus faibles?”

Au contraire. Des excuses sincÚres de votre part vous rende authentique, une des qualités que les adolescents apprécient chez les adultes.

Marilyn Price-Mitchell, rappelle aux parents que le respect est assimilĂ© Ă  un exemple de comportement et de langage respectueux, et non Ă  un acte “ d’’enseignement ” traditionnel (un discours). MĂȘme les jeunes enfants comprennent quand les adultes ne vont pas dans leur sens. À l’adolescence, ces messages contradictoires peuvent entraĂźner des divisions de plus en plus profondes entre les adolescents et les adultes.

(Marilyn Price-Mitchell est l’auteur du livre “Tomorrow’s Change Makers: ReconquĂ©rir le pouvoir de la citoyennetĂ© pour une nouvelle gĂ©nĂ©ration”. Psychologue du dĂ©veloppement et chercheuse, elle travaille Ă  l’intersection du dĂ©veloppement positif de la jeunesse et l’Ă©ducation.)

Chat et chien réconciliés
Comme c’est BEAU la rĂ©conciliation !

Se rĂ©concilier, c’est choisir d’aimer

Nelson Mandela disait :

“La rancƓur est le poison que l’on boit en pensant tuer son ennemi.”

Se rĂ©concilier ne signifie pas qu’un comportement incorrect devient tout Ă  coup acceptable. Une mauvaise action reste mauvaise.

RĂ©parer une relation, c’est choisir d’aimer mĂȘme quand on a Ă©tĂ© blessĂ© et d’oublier sa rancune pour avancer.

Se reconnecter met la priorité dans la relation plutÎt que de se concentrer sur le manque de respect, le retard perpétuel, ou le comportement difficile de nos enfants.

Il se peu…

Il arrive souvent (mais pas toujours) que lorsqu’une personne reconnaisse ses torts dans un conflit, l’autre le fasse aussi.

 

Note: Ce coaching sera réalisé avec Denise Dampierre, une éducatrice spécialisée et certifiée en Discipline Positive. Si votre situation nécessite une expertise médicale ou psychologique, Denise peut vous recommander à un spécialiste.

Photo de Brooke Cagle sur Unsplash et de PetsWorld

Hands helping each other

Make Peace with Someone

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

1 hour Relationship Repair Coaching + daily SMS follow through for 1 week
with Denise Dampierre

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Today’s gift helps you live a life without regrets and to repair a relationship.  You receive 1 hour of coaching to create a reconciliation action plan and daily SMS follow through for a week to provide encouragement and tweak your plan as needed.

Let’s gain insights from wizened folk.

Steve Jobs, founder of Apple and much more

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.

Clayton Christensen, professor at Harvard Business School.  In speaking about parent-child relationships

The time to plant a tree is before you need the shade.

Lovely Ladies

What will you do TODAY so that TOMORROW your relationships remain vibrant and strong?

A Mom’s Story

Here is a glimpse of a coaching conversation with a mother of four children:

Mom: “I don’t want to deal with past mistakes I may have made with my kids.  I’m human.

Apologize?  No!

Here is how I treat my past blunders.  It’s like I sweep them under the rug and place them behind me so that I don’t see them.”

We both laughed as we imagined the scene and what the kids’ saw: a smiling mother with a VERY BUMPY rug behind her!  L.O.L.

As we shared, she admitted that the debris really lay between herself and the children, like a hurdle to climb to gain intimacy.

Mom: “A small hurdle is not a problem.”

Coach: “What’s your goal with the children? Big intimacy or small problems?”

Hand building lego wall
Building or taking down the relationship barrier?

Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

“But I am Right!”

Parents may wonder, “Why apologize when I am right?!”

It takes two people to have a conflict.  Very rarely is one party 100% in the right and the other completely at fault.

Regarding the underlying issue between you and your child, you are probably right.  The room does need to get cleaned.  Curfew is to be respected.  The way one speaks to elders matters.

AND process matters too.  Might there have been an over-reaction?  Were you closed to feedback and your child wanted to share his point of view? Did viable distractions limit your ability to focus on your loved one?

In the coaching I help parents realize where they may have added fuel to a slight tension flicker
which resulted in a full-blown flame.

Don’t be sorry for asking your child to clean his room.  That is your parenting prerogative.

You can be sorry for screaming at him when he did not respond after you asked him numerous times.  “And, darling, can we work out together a way that I won’t be tempted to raise my voice because you would respond more quickly?”

“Will apologizing make we look weak?”

On the contrary.  A sincere apology for YOUR part of the conflict makes you authentic, one of the qualities teenagers appreciate in adults.

Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD reminds parents that respect is assimilated through language and modeling, not through the act of traditional “teaching.” Even young children understand when adults are not walking their talk. By adolescence, those mixed messages can cause deeper and deeper divides between teens and adults.

(Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD, is the author of Tomorrow’s Change Makers: Reclaiming the Power of Citizenship for a New Generation. A developmental psychologist and researcher, she works at the intersection of positive youth development and education.)

Reconciled cat and dog
Isn’t reconciliation PRECIOUS !

We reconcile to choose to love.  To reconnect.

Nelson Mandela is reputed to say,

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Reconciling does not mean pretending that the incorrect behavior suddenly becomes acceptable.  The mis-action remains wrong.

Repairing the relationship means choosing to love even when you have been hurt and to let go of the resentment so that you can keep thriving.

Reconnecting places the priority on the relationship rather than on the back-talk, perpetual tardiness, or any other of our children’s challenging behaviors.

Wonder!

It often happens (but not always) that when one person recognizes their part in a conflict, the other party admits their misdead too.  Phew !

 

Note: This coaching will be with Denise Dampierre, a trained Positive Discipline educator and certified in Appreciative Inquiry.  If your situation requires medical or psychological expertise, Denise can you recommend you to a specialist.

 

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash and PetsWorld

Woman gently holding vulnerable child

Give a Gentle Answer

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

Family Tickets to the “Calm Anger” Parent + Child Workshop
from SoSooper 

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Today’s gift invites BOTH disagreeing parties to join in fun activities and guided discussions to

  • Clarify the issue of dispute
  • Identify triggers to outbursts
  • TOGETHER find solutions to gain agreement
  • Make a routine chart to stay on track

Parents and children leave with a practical action plan to BOTH avoid outbursts AND resolve them quickly when they happen.

And it’s fun!

  

WHO is the REAL opponent?

The parent, the spouse, the child, or the issue?

Isn’t is amazing how a simple issue can suddenly escalate into a battle between parent and kid?  In our coaching we hear worried parents ask, “What is wrong with my child?… What is wrong with ME?!”

Take heart.

“Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle.”

Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, in Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

How to get out of arguing with children?

 

Boxing girl by Frank deKleine

MAKE THE ISSUE THE OPPONENT.

Let parent and child partner together in finding a solution.

It takes two people to have an argument.

And BOTH arguers contribute to the disagreement and BOTH can orient the exchange towards peace.

Miller and Turansky remind us that the subjects we argue about are often not THAT important.

IT IS THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER.

Images by Madi Robson from Unsplash, SoSoooper, and LetMeColor.com

Woman gently holding vulnerable child

RĂ©pondez avec Douceur

Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home

Billets Gratuits pour l’atelier “Calmer les colĂšres” pour parents + enfants ensemble.
de SoSooper

Comment recevoir ce cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous avez l’opportunitĂ© de gagner le cadeau grĂące Ă  notre tirage au sort. N’hĂ©sitez plus, la chance est avec vous !

Voici un aperçu de l’atelier. A travers des jeux et des activitĂ©s en famille, vous aborderez des discussions enrichissantes :

  • Clarifier les differends
  • Identifier les dĂ©clencheurs de crises
  • ENSEMBLE trouver des solutions pour obtenir un commun accord
  • Faire un tableau de routine pour rester sur la bonne voie

Les parents et les enfants repartiront avec un plan d’action pratique pour Ă©viter les crises Ă  la maison ET les rĂ©soudre rapidement quand cela se produit.

Et c’est amusant !

  

QUI est le RÉEL adversaire?

Le parent, le conjoint, l’enfant ou le problĂšme?

N’est ce pas incroyable de voir comment un problĂšme simple peut soudainement dĂ©gĂ©nĂ©rer en une vĂ©ritable bataille entre parent et enfant ? Dans notre coaching, nous entendons des parents inquiets demander : “Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas avec mon enfant? … Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas chez moi” ?!

Gardez l’espoir !

“Les enfants qui se disputent ont certaines qualitĂ©s de caractĂšre comme la persĂ©vĂ©rance, la dĂ©termination, la crĂ©ativitĂ© et la capacitĂ© de communiquer leurs idĂ©es. Le problĂšme de la dispute avec votre enfant, c’est qu’il vous voit comme un obstacle.”

Dr. Scott Turansky et Joanne Miller, dans Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

Comment sortir des disputes avec vos enfants?

Boxing girl by Frank deKleine

FAIRE DU PROBLEME L’ENNEMI NUMÉRO 1

Laisser le parent et l’enfant s’entraider pour trouver une solution.

Il faut deux personnes pour avoir un argument.

Et les deux arguments contribuent au dĂ©saccord. NĂ©anmoins les deux peuvent orienter l’Ă©change vers la paix.

Miller et Turansky nous rappellent que les sujets sur lesquels nous nous disputons ne sont souvent pas si importants.

CE SONT LES RELATIONS QUI COMPTENT.

Images de Madi Robson sur Unsplash, SoSoooper, et LetMeColor.com

Respect

Give and Get Respect

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

The Gift of Respect Downloadable
from SoSooper 

How to receive this gift?  Download them here.

Respect is one of those words that, since we all know what it means, we rarely define it
or describe what it sounds like in our home.

It’s relevance reaches from marching for rights for your daughter to speaking to her with honor.  Everyday.  Especially when you are (justifiably) MAD.

Today’s gift provides a more effective way of resolving the conflict than through a one-sided “discussion” that leaves both parent and child frustrated.

Gift of respect of kidsR.E.S.P.E.C.T. The Parents

Every parent has had a conversation like this at some time:

Parent making a request to a child: “Darling, could you set the table please?” (or clean up your room, or put the video games away, or
.)

Child: No response.

Parent: “Sweetheart?!”

Child chooses one of the following responses:

  • Rolls eyes. Heaves a HEAVY SIGH.
    or
  • “You ALWAYS pick on me. Why don’t you ask my brother? 
    He played too
”
    or
  • “N.O.”

The parent, justifiably miffed and taking the child’s response personally, launches into a Thou-shalt-not-treat-thy-parent-with-disrespect Discourse. 

“Hello?!  This is your M.O.T.H.E.R. (or F.A.T.H.E.R.) you are talking to.  You DO NOT speak to me that way.  I do _____ for you and
blah blah blah.  AND also
more blah blah. Do you hear me?”

You, the parent, feel like you did your job of correcting your child.  It was a necessary, one-sided “discussion.”

The kid might mumble an apology or look down. Until the next time.

In the Child’s Mind

Yet what is this child thinking about his parent?

Is this the person he wants to turn to when he feels insecure? 

When he knows he has made a mistake and is not quite sure what to do next?

How does he understand the meaning of respect? Does R.E.S.P.E.C.T. mean that children should speak politely to parents but mothers and fathers may rant and rave?

Does R.E.S.P.E.C.T. mean that children should speak politely to parents but not visa versa?! Click to Tweet

Ouch!

Today’s gift provides a more effective way of resolving the conflict than through a one-sided “discussion” that leaves both parent and child frustrated.

It’s a gift where parents accept to stop the Grand Discourse upon the child’s request. 

When will the child learn his lesson?!

In our Positive Discipline workshops, we role play these situations.  A parent takes on the role of the child and is placed in front of parents who go on and on with instructions.

“I stopped listening,” is the most common response.

Chances are your child turned his ears off too as soon as you rampaged into your speech.

There is a time to broach the issue.  When both parent and child are calm.  That’s when you can connect and ask questions that uncover your kid’s motivations, beliefs, and expectations.

Today’s gift keeps a positive connection with your child SO THAT you can effectively address the bothersome issue fully and effectively.

How The Gift of Respect works

 

Gift of Respect of parentsGift of respect of kids

The Gift of Respect includes

  • 3 “tickets” your children can use to ask you to stop lecturing.  You can bring up the subject at another time, just not now and without a “talking-at.”
    You’ll see on the Gift Certificates three phrases

    • Cool your jets
    • Chill Out
    • Gimme a Break
  • 2 “tickets” you can use with your kids for the to S.T.O.P.

Every month, the child may “play” each of the “tickets.”  Three times a month she can ask mother or father to please stop lecturing her.

Every month, the parent has two “stops” to play.  No more last nab in the ribs of the sibling, no more eye roll or SIGH!  An immediate halt to a stated misbehavior.

The Gift of Respect in Real Life

A mother was driving her son to a sports event and he was late
again.  Mom, legitimately annoyed, started telling her son how FRUSTRATING it was to have to go through the same process. Every. Week. Again. & Again.

From the back seat she hears a quiet, “Cool your jets.”

Mom: “Honey, did you just say, ‘Cool your jets’ like ‘Mom, you are lecturing me.  Please stop.’”?

Child: “Yup.”

Mom: “Oh.”

Mother notices then that she is seething interiorly
and realizes she is more in the mind frame of blaming her child for his misbehavior than she is in finding a solution to avoid it in the future.

DIFFICULT AS IT IS, she refrains herself and remains silent.

Of course, this issue still weighs on her mind.  While her child is at sports practice, Mom realizes there must be an underlying reason to her son’s repeated tardiness.

That night, when tucking her son into bed, she sits by him and asks some questions

  • “Honey, I have noticed that you are often the last one to be ready to leave. Have you noticed that too?”
  • “What makes it difficult to be ready on time?”
  • “What could help you be ready earlier?”
  • “Which of these new ideas can you do on your own?”
  • “How could I help you?”

Tough & Powerful

This mother concluded, “I have a love-hate relationship with this Gift of Respect.

I hate it when my lack of self-control is exposed.  I hate it when I cannot have my way and just say what is on my mind.

And yet, I love it that my relationship with my children is transformed.  We engage in rich discussions about character qualities; we did not have those before.  I love it how the children seek me out to talk about sensitive issues like sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, and friends, and parties
. I love not seeing those eye rolls anymore.  I love how the children share their love for me when I act pretty unpleasant.  Now they are the ones to tell me, ‘Can we talk about this later when we are both calm?’

We used the Gift of Respect for about two years.  After that, our way of managing misbehavior had changed so we did not need it anymore.”

Respect

Le Respect Donnant Donnant

Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home

Les Tickets Super-Dose de Respect
de SoSooper

Comment recevoir un cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous pourriez ĂȘtre le chanceux qui gagnera le tirage !

Le respect est un de ces mots dont tout le monde connaĂźt la signification mais que l’on dĂ©finit rarement ou l’assimile Ă  quelque chose dans notre maison.

Le cadeau d’aujourd’hui offre un moyen plus efficace de rĂ©soudre le conflit que par un Grand Discours sur le respect qui laisse le parent et l’enfant frustrĂ©s.

Cadeau de respect de l'enfantR.E.S.P.E.C.T.ez les parents

Tous les parents ont déjà eu une conversation comme celle-ci :

Un parent demande Ă  son enfant :”ChĂ©rie, est-ce que tu peux mettre la table s’il te plaĂźt ?” (ou ranger ta chambre, ou arrĂȘtez de jouer aux jeux vidĂ©os
)

L’enfant : Pas de rĂ©ponse

Le parent : “Mon coeur?!”

L’enfant choisi une des rĂ©ponses suivantes :

  • Il fait les gros yeux. Il est avachi.
    ou
  • “ Tu me choisi toujours. Pourquoi tu ne demandes pas Ă  mon frĂšre ? Il a aussi jouĂ©â€Šâ€
    ou
  • “N.O.N.”

Le parent, Ă  juste titre fĂąchĂ© et prenant personnellement la rĂ©ponse de l’enfant, se lance dans un discours oĂč il lui dit : Tu ne dois pas manquer de respect Ă  tes parents.

“Pardon?! C’est Ă  ta M.A.M.A.N. (ou ton P.A.P.A.) Ă  qui tu t’adresses. Tu ne peux pas me parler de cette façon. Je fais tout ça pour toi et … blabla … blabla… Est-ce que tu m’entends?”

Vous, le parent avez l’impression d’avoir fait votre travail en reprenant votre enfant. C’était une discussion nĂ©cessaire.

Votre enfant va peut-ĂȘtre marmonner des excuses ou alors baisser les yeux. Jusqu’Ă  la prochaine fois.

Dans la tĂȘte de l’enfant

Que pense cet enfant de son parent ?

Est-ce que c’est vers cette personne qu’il se tournera quand il ne se sent pas en sĂ©curitĂ© ?

Quand il sait qu’il a fait une erreur et qu’il ne sait pas quoi faire aprùs ?

Comment comprend t-il le sens du mot respect ? Est-ce que le R.E.S.P.E.C.T. signifie que les enfants devrait parler poliment Ă  leurs parents mais les mamans et les papas peuvent-ils toujours s’énerver contre eux ?

AĂŻe !

Le cadeau du jour offre un moyen plus efficace de rĂ©soudre les conflits que par une discussion qui laisse le parent et l’enfant frustrĂ©s.

C’est un cadeau oĂč les parents acceptent d’arrĂȘter le “grand discours” Ă  la demande d’un enfant.

Quand est-ce que l’enfant va apprendre la leçon ?

Dans nos ateliers de Discipline Positive, nous jouons des jeux de rîle de ce genre de situations. Un parent prend le rîle de l’enfant et reçoit une tirade d’instructions.

“J’ai arrĂȘtĂ© d’écouter” est la rĂ©ponse la plus commune.

Il y a de fortes chances que votre enfant se bouche les oreilles avant mĂȘme que vous ayez commencer votre discours.

Il est temps d’aborder le problĂšme. Quand le parent et l’enfant sont calmes. C’est Ă  ce moment que vous pouvez poser des questions qui rĂ©vĂšlent des motivations, des croyances et des attentes de votre enfant.

Le cadeau du jour permet de maintenir un lien positif avec votre enfant afin que vous puissiez résoudre pleinement et efficacement le comportement désagréable.

 

Comment fonctionne les “Tickets de Respect” ?

Gift of Respect of parentsGift of respect of kids

Les “Tickets de Respect” incluent :

  • 3 “tickets” que vos enfants peuvent utiliser afin de vous demander d’arrĂȘter vos “grand discours”. Vous pourriez aborder le sujet plus tard, mais pas maintenant et sans discoures.
    Sur ce document, vous trouverez trois phrases :

    • “C’est pas la fin du monde”
    • “J’ai besoin d’air “
    • “T’inquiĂšte “
  • 2 “tickets” que vous pouvez utiliser avec vos enfants pour leur dire STOP N.E.T.

Chaque mois, l’enfant peut jouer avec chaque de ses “tickets”. Trois fois par mois, l’enfant peut demander Ă  sa maman ou son papa d’arrĂȘter de lui faire la leçon.

Chaque mois, le parent a deux “Stops” qu’il peut utiliser. Fini les chamailleries entre frùres.  Plus de derniers mots. Stop !

Le Cadeau du Respect dans la Vrai Vie

Une maman conduisait son fils Ă  un Ă©vĂ©nement sportif et il Ă©tait en retard
 encore. La maman, lĂ©gĂšrement agacĂ©e a commencĂ© Ă  dire Ă  son fils comment c’était frustrant car c’Ă©tait la mĂȘme chose chaque semaine.  Encore et encore.

De l’arriĂšre de la voiture, elle entend, “J’ai besoin d’air”.

Maman : “ChĂ©rie, est-ce que tu viens de dire ‘j’ai besoin d’air’ pour me demander de me calmer ?”

L’enfant : “Ouais”

Maman : “Oh”.

La maman remarque qu’elle boue de l’intĂ©rieur. AprĂšs tout, elle a raison; son fils est toujours en retard.

Et elle se rend compte de sa colĂšre et qu’elle n’avait pas l’esprit d’aider son enfant Ă  trouver une solution pour son retard.  Elle voulait lui donner une leçon!

Cela lui demande un GRAND effort, nĂ©anmoins elle se retient et n’aborde plus le sujet pour le reste du trajet.

Bien sĂ»r, cette question pĂšse toujours sur sa conscience. Pendant que son enfant pratique son sport, elle y rĂ©flĂ©chi et se rend compte qu’il doit y avoir une raison sous-jacente au retard rĂ©pĂ©tĂ© de son fils.

Cette nuit, quand elle a mit son enfant au lit, elle s’assit Ă  cĂŽtĂ© de lui et lui posa quelques questions.

  • ChĂ©rie, j’ai remarquĂ© que tu es souvent en retard en ce moment. Est-ce que tu l’as remarquĂ© aussi
  • Qu’est-ce qui te mets en retard ?
  • Qu’est-ce qu’il pourrait t’aider Ă  ĂȘtre Ă  l’heure ?
  • Laquelle de ces nouvelles idĂ©es peux-tu appliquer par toi-mĂȘme ?
  • Comment est-ce que je pourrais t’aider ?

Difficile & Puissant

Cette maman a conclu par : “J’ai une relation amour – haine avec ce cadeau du respect.

Je dĂ©teste quand mon manque d’autoritĂ© est mis au grand jour. Je dĂ©teste quand je ne peux pas le faire Ă  ma façon et juste dire ce que j’ai en tĂȘte.

Et pourtant, j’adore que ma relation avec mes enfants Ă©volue. Nous partageons Ă©normĂ©ment, nous ne faisions pas ça avant. J’adore quand mes enfants essaye de me parler de sujets sensibles comme le sexe, la drogue, le rock n ‘roll, les amis et les fĂȘtes…. J’adore la façon dont les enfants expriment leur amour pour moi mĂȘme quand j’agis plutĂŽt dĂ©sagrĂ©ablement. Maintenant, ce sont eux qui me disent : “Est-ce qu’on peut parler de ça plus tard quand nous serons tous les deux calmĂ©s ?”

Nous avons utilisĂ© le cadeau du respect pendant environ deux ans. AprĂšs cela, notre façon de gĂ©rer les crises et les mauvaises conduites a totalement changĂ© et aujourd’hui nous n’en n’avons plus besoin. ”

Photo de Renato Mora sur Unsplash

laughing child

Smile … all day

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

3 beauty pouches “Colibri” (just the right size for lipstick or pencils)
from Beija Flore  

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Trousses Colibri de Beija Flore

Beija Flore is offering THREE pouches.  Will you change your lipstick pouch with the seasons 
 or enjoy a mother-daughter duo
or give one to your mother-in-law (with a smile, of course)?  Thanks to their generosity, you get to choose.

Beija Flore makes practical pouches with beautiful Liberty fabrics.  Colorful, they are easy to find in the purse.  Stylish, they are delightful to pull out in fpublic.  Practical, they fit the necessities for mom and child

Beauty pouch necessities for maman:

  • a lip pencil,
  • a small mirror
  • several lipsticks

Beauty pouch necessities for child:

  • a few band-aids
  • a tube of arnica granules.
    Arnica speeds up healing
and the slightly sweet granules melting on a child’s tongue soothes physical and emotional “booboos” alike

 

Life-Changing Power of Smiles

Did you know that a smile changes life?

Harvard Business School professor, Amy Cuddy, shares in her TedTalk how “faking it” (the smile) enables one to make it (to stimulate happiness hormones so that we authentically feel better.)

Smiling people attract attention.

As a start-up I attend multiple events with notable speakers
and, after their talk, I regularly go up to comment.  People recognize me.  “I saw you in the room.  You were smiling.”

And a smile makes a difference for your child too.

smiles

Changing Home-life with Smiles

Try this.

Call your child over.

“(CHILD’s NAME)!”

They might come hesitantly.  When you and I call our children’s name it is often for what they might interpret as “bad news”:  a chore to be done, a request to hurry, a correction


This time, when your kids responds to your summons, just smile at them.  With your lips, your eyes, and your tone of voice as you share how wonderful it is to have them in the family.

Smiling Results

As you do this occasionally, several changes occur;

  • A new you – you become aware of your tone of voice as you call the children. Next time you want them to pick up their dirty shoes from the front hallway, you might even call them over to first smile (connect), then clean up (correct)
  • A new response from the children – Can we blame the kids for dragging their feet when they know it’s for parent-imposed work? Wouldn’t you respond differently if you wondered, “What will they have to say this time?”

One Mom’s story

One mother shared this:

We live in a house with a spiral staircase.  I’m often in the kitchen and the children are upstairs.  I used to feel that I was shouting at them all the time to come down and DO (set the table, do homework, pick up
)

Then I decided to call them to BE together.  Instead of shouting (!) their name while standing at the kitchen sink, I would physically move my body to the bottom of the stairs where I could speak their name and they could hear it.

They would scramble down
and I would pat on one the steps so we could look at each other eye-to-eye.

Mom: “Tell me one great thing about your day, darling.”

And we spoke for one or two minutes.  Just the two of us.  Without the interruption of his brother and sister.

Mom: “Thanks, sweetheart.  Enjoy playing
and remind me, what happens when the buzzer rings?”

He’s already running off while answering, “Clean up toys!”

The volume went down in our home, the chores still got done, and the joy went up.

One Child’s Story

And here’s what another child shared:

“I like it when you have that lip stuff.  I can see your smile when you’re far away.”

Don’t leave home without your lipstick snuggled into your Liberty fabric lipstick pouch 🙂

Family coaching paradigm

See through Someone Else’s Eyes

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

One hour of Family Coaching
with Jane Mobille, PCC Professional Certified Coach working with executives, individuals, and families 

How to receive this 1 hour off on a Family Coaching session?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

What is Family Coaching?

Family coaching benefit

A family coaching session is a special kind of confidential conversation between a coach, and a family wishing to explore a specific issue causing tension among members at home. The coach receives the family with compassion, curiosity, and non-judgment. Each member of the family has the opportunity to share their perspective on the situation while the others listen. The coach leads the family in an exploration of choices and impacts. The goal is to come up with a few actions to implement in order to reach a solution which satisfies the needs of each family member.

As the teen shared with Jane in his text message:  PHEW!

 

The Generational Paradigm Gap

Do you expect your children to share your priorities?

We often hope so. In an ideal world, the children would brush their teeth without needing reminding, they would be ready on time to go to school, and they would be motivated for school work and have a vision for their future.

Reality check.

Our children like to play, get distracted and want attention, and simple tasks can take forever to accomplish.

Parents and kids see the world through different lenses. This paradigm gap creates stress in families.

Today’s gift helps create bridges between the mother, father, and children’s perspectives.

smiling teenager with parents

Jane is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) currently coaching executives at Kedge Business School and leading her own practice for executives, individuals, and families. She especially enjoys coaching teens and young adults as they build confidence, make intentional choices, and live a life of curiosity.  Jane is a contributing author for the online magazine, INSPIRELLE, and editor of AAWE News.

In short, Jane excels in communication:

  • listening,
  • expressing herself,
  • helping you and your children listen, and
  • creating a safe environment to express yourselves.

 

What Does my Child See?

A friend, Vincent Cassigneul, recently took this picture

  • Of a blurry Eiffel Tower
    or
  • Of a clearly focused man taking a picture of the Eiffel Tower

Vincent Cassigneul Eiffel Tower

Vincent chose to focus on the admirer of the Eiffel Tower in her flashing glory, as opposed to the monument herself. We usually see this majestic monument towering over Paris, occupying center stage.

Did he “get it all wrong”? Did I?

Or should we be asking a different question?

The Wife and Mother-in-Law go to Harvard

An optical illusion used by Stephen Covey further helps us understand that process.

In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey shares an example from a Harvard Business School class. Everyone was shown the same optical illusions. ONLY he had prepared people differently. One half of the class had previously seen a sketch of a haggard, old woman and the other half had been given a drawing of a chic lady.

optical illusion used by stephen coveyWell, half the class found the woman in the optical illusion attractive and the other half quite the opposite. Tensions rose over the disagreement.

Finally, some students began to ask questions, and listen.

“See this line. That’s the old woman’s mouth.”

“Oh, for us it is the chic lady’s necklace!”

And exploration ensued until all the students could identify BOTH women depicted in the optical illusion.

Are you and your child at each other’s throats unnecessarily too?

Try asking questions to understand your child’s perspective.

A tool, like this optical illusion or Vincent’s photo (graciously made available to us, thank you), can help launch the discussion.

Parent to the child: “What do you see?”

Child answers.

Parent purposefully and playfully takes an opposing stand. “What?! This photo is NOT about the Eiffel Tower!” or “This is a drawing of ONE. O.L.D.  woman.”

Let your child react.

Then explore.

“Tell me what you see and point with your finger.”

 

How to start?!

This conversation sounds easy, but it’s harder to launch in real life.

(That’s where Jane Mobille’s family coaching brings resolution to communication blockages and harmony returns to the family.)

Try starting these paradigm discovery conversations at home.

Want the Wife and Mother-in-Law optical illusion and the photo of the Eiffel Tower?  Sign up here and we’ll send them to you tomorrow
.along with the news of who won the Family Coaching special offer by Jane Mobille.

Jane can be reached at jam.atlantic@gmail.com