Woman gently holding vulnerable child

Give a Gentle Answer

Posted on by Denise

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

Family Tickets to the “Calm Anger” Parent + Child Workshop
from SoSooper 

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

Today’s gift invites BOTH disagreeing parties to join in fun activities and guided discussions to

  • Clarify the issue of dispute
  • Identify triggers to outbursts
  • TOGETHER find solutions to gain agreement
  • Make a routine chart to stay on track

Parents and children leave with a practical action plan to BOTH avoid outbursts AND resolve them quickly when they happen.

And it’s fun!

  

WHO is the REAL opponent?

The parent, the spouse, the child, or the issue?

Isn’t is amazing how a simple issue can suddenly escalate into a battle between parent and kid?  In our coaching we hear worried parents ask, “What is wrong with my child?… What is wrong with ME?!”

Take heart.

“Children who argue have good character qualities like persistence, perseverance, determination, creativity, and an ability to communicate ideas. The problem with arguing is that your child views you as an obstacle.”

Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, in Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

How to get out of arguing with children?

 

Boxing girl by Frank deKleine

MAKE THE ISSUE THE OPPONENT.

Let parent and child partner together in finding a solution.

It takes two people to have an argument.

And BOTH arguers contribute to the disagreement and BOTH can orient the exchange towards peace.

Miller and Turansky remind us that the subjects we argue about are often not THAT important.

IT IS THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER.

Images by Madi Robson from Unsplash, SoSoooper, and LetMeColor.com

Woman gently holding vulnerable child

RĂ©pondez avec Douceur

Posted on by Denise

Le Cadeau du Jour sur le calendrier de l’avent Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home

Billets Gratuits pour l’atelier “Calmer les colĂšres” pour parents + enfants ensemble.
de SoSooper

Comment recevoir ce cadeau ? Faites le quizz amusant du Calendrier de l’Avent pour Parents aujourd’hui, et vous avez l’opportunitĂ© de gagner le cadeau grĂące Ă  notre tirage au sort. N’hĂ©sitez plus, la chance est avec vous !

Voici un aperçu de l’atelier. A travers des jeux et des activitĂ©s en famille, vous aborderez des discussions enrichissantes :

  • Clarifier les differends
  • Identifier les dĂ©clencheurs de crises
  • ENSEMBLE trouver des solutions pour obtenir un commun accord
  • Faire un tableau de routine pour rester sur la bonne voie

Les parents et les enfants repartiront avec un plan d’action pratique pour Ă©viter les crises Ă  la maison ET les rĂ©soudre rapidement quand cela se produit.

Et c’est amusant !

  

QUI est le RÉEL adversaire?

Le parent, le conjoint, l’enfant ou le problĂšme?

N’est ce pas incroyable de voir comment un problĂšme simple peut soudainement dĂ©gĂ©nĂ©rer en une vĂ©ritable bataille entre parent et enfant ? Dans notre coaching, nous entendons des parents inquiets demander : “Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas avec mon enfant? … Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas chez moi” ?!

Gardez l’espoir !

“Les enfants qui se disputent ont certaines qualitĂ©s de caractĂšre comme la persĂ©vĂ©rance, la dĂ©termination, la crĂ©ativitĂ© et la capacitĂ© de communiquer leurs idĂ©es. Le problĂšme de la dispute avec votre enfant, c’est qu’il vous voit comme un obstacle.”

Dr. Scott Turansky et Joanne Miller, dans Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

Comment sortir des disputes avec vos enfants?

Boxing girl by Frank deKleine

FAIRE DU PROBLEME L’ENNEMI NUMÉRO 1

Laisser le parent et l’enfant s’entraider pour trouver une solution.

Il faut deux personnes pour avoir un argument.

Et les deux arguments contribuent au dĂ©saccord. NĂ©anmoins les deux peuvent orienter l’Ă©change vers la paix.

Miller et Turansky nous rappellent que les sujets sur lesquels nous nous disputons ne sont souvent pas si importants.

CE SONT LES RELATIONS QUI COMPTENT.

Images de Madi Robson sur Unsplash, SoSoooper, et LetMeColor.com

Family coaching paradigm

See through Someone Else’s Eyes

Posted on by Denise

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

One hour of Family Coaching
with Jane Mobille, PCC Professional Certified Coach working with executives, individuals, and families 

How to receive this 1 hour off on a Family Coaching session?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

What is Family Coaching?

Family coaching benefit

A family coaching session is a special kind of confidential conversation between a coach, and a family wishing to explore a specific issue causing tension among members at home. The coach receives the family with compassion, curiosity, and non-judgment. Each member of the family has the opportunity to share their perspective on the situation while the others listen. The coach leads the family in an exploration of choices and impacts. The goal is to come up with a few actions to implement in order to reach a solution which satisfies the needs of each family member.

As the teen shared with Jane in his text message:  PHEW!

 

The Generational Paradigm Gap

Do you expect your children to share your priorities?

We often hope so. In an ideal world, the children would brush their teeth without needing reminding, they would be ready on time to go to school, and they would be motivated for school work and have a vision for their future.

Reality check.

Our children like to play, get distracted and want attention, and simple tasks can take forever to accomplish.

Parents and kids see the world through different lenses. This paradigm gap creates stress in families.

Today’s gift helps create bridges between the mother, father, and children’s perspectives.

smiling teenager with parents

Jane is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) currently coaching executives at Kedge Business School and leading her own practice for executives, individuals, and families. She especially enjoys coaching teens and young adults as they build confidence, make intentional choices, and live a life of curiosity.  Jane is a contributing author for the online magazine, INSPIRELLE, and editor of AAWE News.

In short, Jane excels in communication:

  • listening,
  • expressing herself,
  • helping you and your children listen, and
  • creating a safe environment to express yourselves.

 

What Does my Child See?

A friend, Vincent Cassigneul, recently took this picture

  • Of a blurry Eiffel Tower
    or
  • Of a clearly focused man taking a picture of the Eiffel Tower

Vincent Cassigneul Eiffel Tower

Vincent chose to focus on the admirer of the Eiffel Tower in her flashing glory, as opposed to the monument herself. We usually see this majestic monument towering over Paris, occupying center stage.

Did he “get it all wrong”? Did I?

Or should we be asking a different question?

The Wife and Mother-in-Law go to Harvard

An optical illusion used by Stephen Covey further helps us understand that process.

In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey shares an example from a Harvard Business School class. Everyone was shown the same optical illusions. ONLY he had prepared people differently. One half of the class had previously seen a sketch of a haggard, old woman and the other half had been given a drawing of a chic lady.

optical illusion used by stephen coveyWell, half the class found the woman in the optical illusion attractive and the other half quite the opposite. Tensions rose over the disagreement.

Finally, some students began to ask questions, and listen.

“See this line. That’s the old woman’s mouth.”

“Oh, for us it is the chic lady’s necklace!”

And exploration ensued until all the students could identify BOTH women depicted in the optical illusion.

Are you and your child at each other’s throats unnecessarily too?

Try asking questions to understand your child’s perspective.

A tool, like this optical illusion or Vincent’s photo (graciously made available to us, thank you), can help launch the discussion.

Parent to the child: “What do you see?”

Child answers.

Parent purposefully and playfully takes an opposing stand. “What?! This photo is NOT about the Eiffel Tower!” or “This is a drawing of ONE. O.L.D.  woman.”

Let your child react.

Then explore.

“Tell me what you see and point with your finger.”

 

How to start?!

This conversation sounds easy, but it’s harder to launch in real life.

(That’s where Jane Mobille’s family coaching brings resolution to communication blockages and harmony returns to the family.)

Try starting these paradigm discovery conversations at home.

Want the Wife and Mother-in-Law optical illusion and the photo of the Eiffel Tower?  Sign up here and we’ll send them to you tomorrow
.along with the news of who won the Family Coaching special offer by Jane Mobille.

Jane can be reached at jam.atlantic@gmail.com

Build Emotional Intelligence

Posted on by Denise

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

Emotions Charts Download to help your child develop his Emotional Intelligence
from Sunflower Storytime, TotSchooling, and Bougribouillons

How to receive this download package?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and tomorrow we’ll send you the collection by email.

Feelings faces by Sunflower Storytime

Download the chart here.

Emotional Intelligence

What is it?  (Besides a buzz word)

Do I have it?  Do my precious kids?

What difference would Emotional Intelligence make in my home?

In Psychology Magazine, Dan Goleman, PhD. and author of The Brain and Emotional Intelligence describes EI as both a self and other-focused process:

Emotional Intelligence refers to two kinds of focus.

First: an inward awareness of our thoughts and our feelings, and applying that in managing our upsets and focus on our goal.

Second: a focus on others, to empathize and understand them, and on the basis of this to have effective interactions and relationships.

The first step is emotion-awareness.

Then, the ability to name our feelings gets us launching on managing them.

How many emotions can your children identify and name?

Today’s gift helps you do just that.

Fun facts about emotions:

Feelings are neither good nor bad emotions.

It is good to be angry at rape and human trafficking.

You and your child can discuss whether it is good or bad to be happy at someone else’s bad news (!)

Emotions, thoughts, and behaviors and intimately linked.

Which comes first:  The thought that we are in a dangerous situation, or the feeling “I’m scared,” or getting out of there as soon as possible?

This is the subject of much scientific debate
and not of this blog post.  Suffice it to know that these three facets of emotions are indissociable.

Did you know that you can even create a happy mood by biting (not tooooo hard) on a pencil with your mouth?  This biting process (behavior) stimulates the same muscles used to smile, thus sends messages to the brain (thinking) to create dopamine, the feel good hormone (emotion).

Emotions have BOTH universal AND cultural expressions

Before the 1970’s, anthropologists believed facial expressions reflected cultural interpretations. Psychologist and behavioral scientist Paul Ekman developed systematic ways to measure body language and identified 6 basic emotions which are universal throughout human cultures.

fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, and sadness.

Of course, there are MANY MORE emotions, and some believe more internationally universal ones too.

Emotions can be described by ONE word.

“I feel like the freshness of feet crush fresh grass sprinkled with morning dew.”

This sure sounds loverrrrly.  It’s not an emotion.

The associated feeling could be surprised, or uncomfortable, or refreshed, or 
. (wet is not an emotion.  It’s a physical state 🙂 )

 

Teaching our Children to Identify and Express Emotion

Your usually-cheerful child comes home in a bad mood.  What is he feeling?  He might not even be able to put words to it!

Help him decompress by helping him identify his feelings.

Little tykes relate well to these colorful and expressive emotions faces from Sunflower Storytime.  Print them out and place them in an accessible place.  When your child stomps/slouches/jumps/slumps in, steer him towards the emotions faces and begin a healing time for all.

And if your child is not ready to communicate, don’t worry.  In five minutes, she might!  Let her know you are available.

“When you want to let me know how you’re feeling, come find me, darling.”  And smile.

Because YES our brains are also wired to mimic others.  Your happy mood (or your miserable one
.) is contagious too.

 

More resources

I love these universal language, colorful faces on the chart by Sunflower Storytime.  You might prefer another style.  In addition, if your feelings charts include words you’ll be enriching their emotional vocabulary.

Check out these sites for alternatives.

ACN Latitudes – The Association for Comprehensive Neurotherapy has a comprehensive collection of downloadable chart for all occasions.

TotSchooling – I LOVE these Christmas emotions charts.  Prepare to avoid the meltdown when your child does not receive the gift they requested DAILY from Santa.

Bougribouillons – These charts (in French) might be more suited to older children.  Using charts in another language is a great stimulation for you and your family; it provides you with the liberty to develop your own family’s feeling vocabulary.  “What does ‘rassuré’ mean?… What does it look like to you? What words could we use in our home?”

La Famille Positive – This is where I found out about Bougribouillons. Edna Guccia hunts down positive advice (and shares some of own her wisdom).  If you are looking for French resources, well, she’s One. Great. Resource!

 

Thanks to Austin Chan for his photo on Unsplash

What kids hear when parents repeat 1000 times

Posted on by Denise

A favorite moment in our Parent + Child Workshop is when children and parents switch roles.*

Children dress up as parents (yes, we do costumes).

The tykes also get to speak like Mom and Dad.  (Yay…or Oh, oh?)

 

Parents take on the role of the child.  Discovery time


 

When Learning is Fun

Do you know people succeed better when they feel better?

Children do better when they feel better. Click to Tweet

That’s why we make learning fun.

The youngsters playing Dad donned ties (vintage 1970’s, no less) and the top hats.  We accessorized actresses in the mother role and wrapped them in scarves.

To help children get into their roles, we stood them up on a ledge so that they would, physically, be looking down at their “kids.”

Positive energy and excitement flowed.  Parents (acting as kids) grinned at the fun.

 

Scene 1 – Surprise

In line with our theme of the day, Stop Repeating Yourself – Create a Culture of Listening, the children performed phrases they often hear from their parents.

Without prompting each young actor interpreted his phrase with an “appropriate” tone of voice. It went like this:

“Put your coat on.”

“Stop whiiiiiiiining.”

“BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!”

 

Parents (acting as kids) now wore these expressions on their faces…

…and exclaimed:

“W.O.W.  What an ‘Aha! Moment!'”

“They are barking at me!”

“I don’t want to do any of those things.  It’s so demotivating.”

 

Scene 2 – Engagement

We went for another round of phrases from the moms and dads (played by the children).  This time they asked questions instead of giving instructions.

“What should you wear so you won’t be cold?”

“What words could you use so that I hear you?”

“How will you keep your teeth from hurting?”

 

As the parent actors spoke their lines, we heard other children spontaneously answer the questions. “Coat” “Please”  “Brush teeth”

 

Stepping Back to Move Forward

Debrief time.  So, folks, what happened?

“We talked nicer the second time,” piped up a girl swirling her beads.

“I knew the answers,” proudly announced a youngest sibling.

 

The group of parents (acting as children) recuperated their smiles.

“They were expecting a response from me,” shared an engaged parent.

“It made me think,” admitted a dad enjoying a weekend off of work.

“I want to speak this way in our home, but what questions should I ask?!!!!” exclaimed a mother stepping back into her parenting role.

 

What generated the transformation in responses?

We replaced distancing commands with engaging questions that still “get the job done.”

This type of questioning is a tool from Positive Discipline, a science-based approach to building collaborative relationships.  It enables parents to be BOTH Firm AND Kind SIMULTANEOUSLY.  The expected results are crystal clear AND the exchange emanates warmth and connection.

Stop repeating 1000X : replace commands with engaging questions. Click to Tweet

Chez Vous – In YOUR Home

What are the phrases you repeat, repeat, and REPEAT?

What questions that “get the job done” could you ask instead?

 

Want some help?  Jot us a note.  We answer with a smile.

 

*This role-play is inspired by a Positive Discipline activity developed by Dr. Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

From “Brush your teeth” to “I love you”

Posted on by Denise

This post is for moms and dads who feel like they repeat themselves 1000x/day.

How can we get children to listen IN OUR HOME?

Effective parenting tools are great…but help me apply them!

That’s why we developed SoSooper Parent + Child workshops like the one we held on Saturday: Stop Repeating Yourself – Listen with Curiosity Questions.

Sign up for this workshop.  We’re doing it again in central Paris on October 7.

Parents Want Tools & Kids Want Play

The parents’ objective centered on getting the kids to listen. They wondered how it could be possible.

The children wanted to have fun, go on an outing, and be with mom and dad.

We aim to please both.  The smiling faces tell us we did.

We’re doing So Sooper!

Surprise-filled Activities

Parents & Children switch roles

“Kids, would you like to play Mom & Dad for a while?”  Children’s eyes popped excitedly
and off we went to try on costumes.

Commands Lead to Rejection

Scene 1:

The parents’ eyes and ears grew wide as they heard their children give them instructions.  In a commanding voice, 6-year-old told his dad to “Put his coat on” and to “Stop playing on the computer.”

Father responded with “No, no, no” until he exclaimed, “Woah! Son.  You’re bossing me around!”

Hummm.

Questions Generate Engagment

Scene 2:

The children (acting as parents) then replaced the instructions with questions. Here was a fun exchange:

Parent (played by a child): “What is our agreement on Computer Time?”

Child (played by a parent speaking defiantly): “I can play when I want!”

Parent (played by a child): “What is OUR AGREEMENT on Computer Time?”

Child (played by a parent):  Silence. “OK.  10 minutes.”

Everyone agreed that it felt better to be saying and hearing the questions.

But, parents enquired, how can we come up with the right questions when we need them?

Digging for Questions

For our next activity, parents and children gathered together in their own family units and explored for questions.

The kids knew by heart (!) the instructions repeated 1000 times.  They rarely really understood why.

Precious Sharing

Here is a precious exchange between a father and child:

Child: “I know, I know.  You always repeat that I need to brush my teeth.  Why is it important to brush my teeth?”

Father: “So that you don’t have cavities.”

Child: “What is important about a vacaty?”

Father: “A cavity is when your tooth gets sick and it hurts a lot.”

Child: “Why is it important that my teeth don’t hurt?”

Father: “Because I love you.  I don’t want you to hurt.”

Child: Smile. “Because you love me.” Grin.

Finding Solutions

Together they came up with a question that Dad could ask at teeth brushing time,
“What do you need to do so that your teeth won’t hurt?”

 

This is what SoSooper is about.  Turning a challenging situation into a moment of connection between parent and child.

SoSooper helps parents turn a challenge into solutions while staying connecting with their kids. Click to Tweet

Join us next week.  We’re doing this same workshop in the center of Paris.  Click here to sign up.

Harvard Business School New Venture Competition

SoSooper is a finalist in Harvard Business School NVC Europe

Posted on by Denise

Sooper Exciting News

Our mobile app for parents has been selected as a finalist in the Harvard Business School New Venture Competition Europe!  There were 26 contestants for 5 places.  We made the cut!

We will be pitching to 100+ business folk about being the best parent we can be.

We are honored to be present, knowing that the discussion will cover both business issues (how will we generate income) as well a matters touching our ingrained beliefs:

  • Are “good parents” born or can leadership in our homes be learned?
  • How to accompany parents AND allow freedom to create their own, unique family culture?

As my sister says, “Exciting, invigorating, intimidating, energizing, challenging, exhilarating.”

Many thanks to all who support me so well.

SoSooper is finalist for HBS NVC
European finalists for 2017 HBS NVC Europe

The Story behind SoSooper

A Mom in Need

As a young mom seeking help to manage four boys under seven years old I wondered:

“Folk can go to a bank or a financial counselor and expose very private information regarding money and request advice and this is conisdered intelligent.

Those same people seek advice regarding relationships…and they have a problem.

Humm. I hope someone will do something to remedy this discrepancy.”

And, today, maybe that someone is…me.

Insights from Cosmetics

When I worked in cosmetics, one brand introduced beauty advice on an iPad.  Customers appreciated the anonimity of these tools.

They found it more pleasant to admit skin problems to a machine than to a  made-up beauty who agrees you have blackheads on your nose!

Might the same be true with personal issues?

A New Child

SoSooper, my fifth child, is born. This mobile app helps parents navigate – positively and quickly – challenges with kids.

  • Provides parents with solutions for their Need. NOW.
  • Connects parents with parenting experts and other moms and dads like them
  • Is available on their phone.  Anytime & anywhere.

Read more.

Family Feedback ToolKit

Posted on by Denise

Tip Top Family Activity

One of our most strategic family activities.  It helps everyone focus on growth and on becoming the best person we can be.

Read more about The Family Feedback.

The ToolKit includes

  • Tips for success
  • Worksheet (one for each participant)
  • Recap sheet – to remember your goals throughout the year

Click on the images below to download

Tips

Worksheet

Recap

Family Happy New Year

Favorite family activity to wish a SoSooper New Year!

Posted on by Denise

The Family Feedback

One of our most precious family moments comes after Christmas. That’s when we share what each person does well and how we can be even stronger as an individual and as a family.

“We” means the kids start with the feedback and Mom & Dad L.I.S.T.E.N.

The structured process keeps discussion positive.  Each child gets to share:
– One Great Thing that Mom or Dad do
(and the kids want them to keep doing)
– One Thing they would like to Change about Family Life
(it would hugely improve family life for them)

PARENTS LISTEN.

You may be surprised by the suggestions!

Some “To change” suggestions could be a no-brainer “YES.”  One child asked, “Please, no more lemon cake.”

Other requests could merit deeper discussion.  (“More screen time.”  “No veggies.”)  Talk it over while everyone is calm and together.

The Family Feedback works with kids of all ages

with teens

Teen boys

Click here

with kids

Family meeting with parents and kids

Click here

with tots

Click here

Free downloadDownload Free Tools

SoSooper prepared some worksheets for you:

  • to prepare
  • to succeed
  • to remember

Click here to get your free downloads.

We’d love to hear from you.  Give us YOUR feedback too in the comments below!

Cover photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Happy New Year tiara for girl

The Family Feedback with little children

Posted on by Denise

How much can your young child tell you about YOUR job as a parent?

Quite a lot.

By listening you share encouraging words for your kids.

The Family Feedback with tots

The Family Feedback is ONE GREAT FAMILY TIME where kids give feedback to parents. They start with the good stuff 🙂 and move onto deeper discussion.  Read more here.

For very young kids, we stick to sharing family highlights.  

You want your kids to associate “family” with “fun”?  Then ask them to tell you about a fun time with Mom or Dad.  This strengthens the neural messaging in their brains so that they can more easily access memories of great times as a family.

Our brain is amazing…and malleable.

Ask, “Tell me about a time you felt really happy with us.”

“When we played ball together.”

Help your child fully recall with the experience through specific and factual questions.

“What color was our ball?” “Was it before or after lunch?” “Who else was playing with us?”

Then gently probe for what generated the positive emotions.

“What was soooooo great?” “Which part made you feel the most special?”  “What did you do to show you were happy?”

Thank your child.  

“Your telling me when you were happy makes me very happy too.  Thanks, Darling.”

We tried it & loved it

Here’s what one mother shared after a SoSooper workshop where she and her three year old daughter enjoyed such a conversation:

“My daughter was probably a little bit young (only 3) and I think was struggling to really engage with the activities. However, even though she dealt with it on her level, I think she still got a lot out of the experience – and found it nice that it was a time where mummy was ready to listen to her and find out what she found fun and loving about being in our family.

This workshop reminded me that we do all right as a family (eating together, playing together, respecting each other). As I’m sure you know only too well – it’s a tricky job, mummying, and can seem very unrewarding sometimes. If I were a business, (actually I’m a secondary school teacher) I wouldn’t put up with clients who were so demanding and so seemingly ungrateful for all my efforts. I think what you’re doing is so important – just like in any job, you have training for that ‘shot in the arm’ of enthusiasm and clarity to do your job better every day. Parents need that more than anyone!”

Free downloadDownload Free Tools

SoSooper prepared some worksheets for you:

  • to prepare
  • to succeed
  • to remember

Click here to get your free downloads.

Cover photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash