Pre-teen

Family Feedback Example—To Mom, stop being a fashion victim. To child, think before you speak

Posted on by Denise

Two of our sons have already given (to parent) and received (from Mom) feedback about what each does well and should continue doing, and about one behavior to consider changing. (Catch the beginning of the discussion here).

Business (a.k.a. the meal) continues as usual.  We’re at the dinner table, getting close to dessert time, and it’s the turn of youngest of four sons.   The meal keeps on flowing throughout the exchange.

Feedback to Mom

Well Done

Mom:  “Darling, what would you like to tell me about what I do well and what I should think about changing?”

Son (12 years old):  “Well, like, you know…”

Brothers:  “No we don’t.  Be specific.”  It’s said with both a touch of impatience and sense of humor.

Son:  “Well, like, you’re more flexible…”

Mom:  “Flexible seems to be a key theme tonight…or last year!  What do you mean, exactly?”

Son, after some more humming and hawing and searching for words and being teased by his siblings:“It’s like you can laugh more at yourself. “

Mom:  “Thank you.  And what about something where you want to see me change?”

Son:  “Well, like, you know…”

Brothers:  “No.  We don’t.  Move on.”

Transmiting a Vision of Thriving to My Child

Well Done

Mom:  “I’ll give you some feedback about what you do really well.  I’m so impressed by your insights into people.  Sometimes you’ll come home from school and describe a situation and comment about how that reveals the person’s character.  Wow.  You are making connections between what people think and how they behave.  It’s impressive.”

Son:  Shy smile.

To Change

Teen thinks he's coolMom, quickly so that the older ones don’t break the positive momentum with a questionable comment: “What you can do to change is to think before you speak.”

Guffaws in agreement from the boys.

“Sometimes you call my name, I answer, and you reply, ‘Nothing.’   It doesn’t happen just once…and we’ve already talked about it and you’re better not doing this as often.  Yet now, you regularly react to your brothers by insulting them slightly.  Not surprisingly, they respond.  Then you reply, ‘Just joking.’”

Boys:  “Yeah, you do it all the time… It sounds stupid.  Either mean what you say or don’t.  Dig, dude?”

Mom, talking right at Son 4 without paying attention to the siblings:  “You don’t have to defend yourself, darling.  If you think before you speak, you’ll avoid many slippery slopes.”

Dessert time = Hungry for closing time.  Read here for our final exchange on the 2013 Family Annual Review.

Continued…Feedback to Mom

Well Done

My youngest son and I had not finished this conversation.  So, the next afternoon, when the older boys were not around, I approached him again.

Mom:  “I did not quite understand your feedback yesterday.  Could you please tell me again what I do well and what I should think about changing?”

Son:  “Mom, you are more flexible now.  Before you used to be too intense.  Now you can laugh at yourself.”

Mom:  “Can you give me an example?”

Son:  “Remember when (and he recalled a time when a friend of his described me as the ‘old lady’) Well, I remember not being embarrassed because you did not lecture him.  (Was I THAT bad?!)  Instead you laughed.”

To Change

Mom fashion victimMom:  “Thanks, darling.  Now, what should I think about changing?”

Son 4:  “Don’t be such a fashion victim.”

Mom:  “ME!”  (Are you kidding? My humble self thinks, “I make fashion; I don’t follow it.”) “Please, give me an example.”

Son:  “Your nails.  Stop wearing blue and green nail polish.  (This past spring and summer, I adorned my fingertips in turquoise and spring green.  In early fall, I opted for navy on my hands and a deep green metallic hue on the toes.)

“It’s just not you, Mom.”  (When the kids were small, manicures were UNIMAGINABLE.  I barely got to shave one leg at a time. So, this nail craze is new.)

Mom:  “Thanks for letting me know.  I see what you mean. I’ll think about it.”

I probably will give it up…and present him with my orange fingertips telling him how I hesitated on the purple and pink stripes but followed his advice instead.

Little bother for me.  ‘Lotta meaning for him.

NEXT SON…

 

Enjoy this year’s whole Family Feedback series:

  1. Family Feedback How To’s &
    To Mom, be clear.  To child, be humble.
  2. To Mom, be flexible.  To child, go step by step.
  3. To Mom, stop being a fashion victim.  To child, think before you speak.
  4. To Mom, be generous.  To child, learn through a job.
Teen boy

Family Feedback Example—To Mom, be flexible. To child, advance step by step

Posted on by Denise

We’re on a roll with the Family Feedback.  Our eldest son has given and received his insights (read here) for the Family Feedback.  We’re sitting around the dinner table and our third son is next to him.

Perfecting Family Feedback Process

(In a teensy bit of a controlling style) I turn to our second eldest son.

Mom:  “What is your feedback for me?”

Purposefully, I did NOT ask, “Do you have____?”  Our purpose with this discussion is to create an environment where our children voice a compliment and a concern.  We’re going beyond “Yes” and “No” mutterings.  (Read here for Family Feedback How To’s and free download)

Son 2:  “Oh, we’re going this way?  By age?”

Mom, interpreting the question as a gentle invitation to allow the kids to take the lead:  “We don’t have to. Who wants to go next?”

Feedback to Mom

Well Done

Son 3 pipes up, “I’ll go.  Mom, you have been nice about getting special school supplies for me.  Sometimes I’ve run out of _______ or needed a specific book or _______ and it meant going to a specialty store to find it.  I appreciate your effort.  Thanks.”

Mom smiles…lips and eyes.

To Change

Son:  “And Mom, you have GOT TO BE more flexible with my going out at night.  I don’t want to have to give you a fixed phone number AND address AND friends’ names AND time I come home before you let me go out.”

Older brothers:  “Aaagh, we hated that too!”  “Now it’s your turn!”

Mom:  “Do you know why I ask for those?”

Son:  “Yeah, my older brothers messed up so now you’re tough on me.”

Mom repeats:  “Do you know why I ask those things?”

Son 3 grunts.

Mom:  “When you give your friend’s mobile number, they don’t answer.  There have been times when we found out that you boys were not where you said you were, so I like to have a number to call just in case.”

Son:  “The phone number is the worst thing.”

Mom:  “We had dinner with friends last night who, for sleepovers, systematically call beforehand to check that their sons are expected.”

Son 3:  “Don’t do that!”

Mom:  “And I ask about where they are and getting home so that you can work out public transportation and return on time.  ‘I missed the last train’ is not a valid excuse for being late…”

Dad:  “STOP the bickering!”

Brothers:  “Yeah, work this out the two of you.”

Mom:  “OK, honey.  Make me a proposal for a different way to get permission to go out.  Let’s talk more over something concrete.

Son 2: “My turn?”

Brothers:  “Yeah, let’s move on.”

Transmiting a Vision of Thriving to Son

Well Done

Mom:  “You have shown us your ability to be responsible. Admittedly your teachers are writing that you are insolent in class 🙁 and lacking in maturity. Yet over this vacation and through your job (as a high school freshman, he’s tutoring a French boy in English) you have demonstrated to us your leadership skills, positive initiatives, and commitment to completing your responsibilities well.  When you want to, you excel in maturity.

To Change – Have an optimistic view of you and your future.

You state these outlandish goals for yourself:  king of the world! You know these are unattainable (undesirable?) and I wonder if you say these things out of lack of confidence?…I don’t know.  No one expects you to reach them, so no one will consider you a failure if you don’t.

Raclette Ă  l'ancienne

(“Pass the cheese, please,” someone requests…and we keep talking.)

What you can change is to think of how you can be a success…you choose the realm.  You are WAY MORE LIKELY to fulfill your dreams one step at a time than through a miraculous leap.   Break down your mega-perfectionist goals into smaller tasks…and you might even surprise yourself by how much you accomplish…and then you’ll have the courage to really dream big AND realistic.”

Son:  “Yeah…”

Mom:  “You have soooo much potential, darling.  You know that, don’t you?”

Son:  “I know.”

Brothers:  “Let’s pick up the rhythm.  Next!”

No room for mommy sentimentality!

NEXT SON…

 

Enjoy this year’s whole Family Feedback series:

  1. Family Feedback How To’s &
    To Mom, be clear.  To child, be humble.
  2. To Mom, be flexible.  To child, go step by step.
  3. To Mom, stop being a fashion victim.  To child, think before you speak.
  4. To Mom, be generous.  To child, learn through a job.
African girls and boys choir singing

Sing Your Heart Out

Posted on by Denise

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

Original Gospel-Jazz Songs
by Ruth Naomi Floyd

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you will receive the download link.

Ruth Naomi Floyd offers us music to soothe the soul … and to surprise us.

Through Christmas day you can download six of her original compositions of Gospel Jazz.  The link is on the Parent Advent Calendar behind door 24.

Gospel & Jazz?

When I think of jazz I conjure up images of African-Americans in New Orleans and then Parisian night clubs.  Yet Ruth brings us jazz tunes with lyrics inspired by the Bible.

It’s an unexpected union. And it’s beautiful.

Ruth Naomi Floyd fine arts photo
Also a fine arts photographer, Ruth combines surprising juxtapositions in song as well as in images.

Beautiful Unexpecteds

Tomorrow we celebrate Christmas.  Another unexpected juxtaposition.  According to Christian theology, Christmas celebrates when God comes to earth in the form of Jesus, God’s Son in flesh and blood.  Why would an all powerful god debase himself so much as to become a human
and a helpless baby at that?!  It is unexpected, to say the least.  And to those who believe, it is beautiful.

Our hope in sharing this music is to encourage you and me to invite in the unexpected and to allow ourselves to be challenged and comforted by its beauty.

  • In the way we view our children – seeking (hunting down) their positive qualities and then building on them
  • In the way we view ourselves – allowing imperfection. We grow THANKS to mistakes
  • In the way we view our parenting – full of hope and purpose

BON COURAGE!

And as we introspect, let’s SING!

Music is Good for your Health

Our brain, heart, lungs, and emotions all benefit from listening to music, and even more from singing.

Ruth Naomi Floyd singing.
Ruth in full health. Photo by George Wells

Benefits of listening to music

Studies show that listening to music makes people happier, less stressed, less sensitive to pain, better performers in sports and in school, and helps with recall.

What?  With recall!

I wonder if it helps children with temporary memory loss remember to clean their room, to stop fighting with their brother/sister, and more!

That’s what we are banking on with these fun tunes to motivate children.  Enjoy!

Benefits of singing

Here’s how Stacy Horn, the author of Imperfect Harmony: Finding Happiness Singing With Others recaps the benefits of singing together.

What researchers are beginning to discover is that singing is like an infusion of the perfect tranquilizer, the kind that both soothes your nerves and elevates your spirits.

The elation may come from endorphins, a hormone released by singing, which is associated with feelings of pleasure.  Or it might be from oxytocin, another hormone released during singing, which has been found to alleviate anxiety and stress. Oxytocin also enhances feelings of trust and bonding, which may explain why still more studies have found that singing lessens feelings of depression and loneliness.

It turns out you don’t even have to be a good singer to reap the rewards.

So gather around for some Christmas caroling “en famille.”

Need the lyrics?  Look them up here.

Girl eyeing cupcake

Celebrate Today…with Cake!

Posted on by Denise

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

24 delightfully decorated cupcakes
by English Dream Cakes

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

A party without cake is just a meeting.
Julia Child

A day without celebration is just a series of tasks.
SoSooper & English Dream Cakes

Cheryl and Dew, the culinary artists of English Dream Cakes, are offering 24 decorated cupcakes
for you to create an occasion for celebration.  The gift is valid through the end of February.  Their hope is to provide a reason for a party.  No need to wait for a birthday.  Today is an occasion for conviviality.

Cupcake-Teddy-Bears
Decorated cupcakes by English Dream Cakes
Cupcakes decorated by English Dream Cakes
Decorated cupcake by English Dream Cakes

The winner of these 24 cupcakes gets to choose the desired décor. Yummy!

Carpe Deum – Celebrating Today

A mother of 3 young children recently shared a frustration: life with little kids is constant interruptions.

  • In the morning rush she finally gets everyone out the door and walking to school
and the little one has a pebble in her boot. The trip to school is interrupted.
  • The children splash in the bath and one slips and gets hurt. You were cooking dinner. No longer.
  • You’re on the ski slope and one child mutters, “I have pipi in my weewee.” Ski is put on hold for everyone the time to go the bathroom.

A wizened mother of 6 children shared with me her secret to perspective
and good humor throughout child-chaos-filled days.

Interruptions ARE the real life.

Interruptions ARE the real life, not distractions from it.  She pointed me towards C.S. Lewis’ quote (author of the Chronicles of Narnia and more):

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own,’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life.”

Transform Interruptions into a Celebration

Not long after my conversation with Wise Mom (above), my children’s teachers went on strike (again).  This DEFINITELY constitutes a big-time disruption in my planned-to-the-minute life.

Instead of whining about the French national education system (which I felt like doing), we transformed this interruption into an opportunity for celebration and invited other parents and children over. A potentially very-bad-day turned out to be a re-energizing benefit for parents and children.

Try it too.

Combat Gloom with a Celebration

Winter in Paris feels glum. The white stone buildings appear grey.  So do the concrete streets and sidewalks.  The bare trees take on a greyish hue


That’s where the English Dream Cakes cupcakes can transform your season.  With 24 delicacies, you have the ingredients to create a party just because.

Try out one of these party themes

  • It’s great to be alive
    Carpe Deum. Seize the day.  We cannot change the past.  Our attitude about today will impact our future.  Love life today.
  • Meet the neighbors
    Make friends of your neighbors. VERY helpful for parents.  Read here.
  • Meet the parents of your kids’ friends
    Discover who your kids hang out with. As soon as your children have phones, it is difficult to know about their friends.  Find out now & invite parents and kids together.
  • We’ve come a long way
    Everyone celebrates an accomplishment
  • I will survive
    Studies show strong relationships provides emotional and physical strength to overcome.  Get together with friends for encouragement if you need it now…or because you might need it later.
  • We’re stronger together
    Be a model of teamwork for your children.
    “I’ll bring dreamy cupcakes.”
    “I’ll bring bubbly for all ages.”
    “I’ll bring decorations.”
    “I’ll bring poker chips.”

You can also order your dreamy and delicious cakes directly from English Dream Cakes here.

Mary at Villa Manon

Exercise Together

Posted on by Denise

Today’s Gift on the Joy. Peace. Love. @ Home advent calendar for parents

1 hour Private Yoga Class for the Entire Family
by Mary Holmes Smith of the Villa Manon studio 

How to receive this gift?  Take the fun quiz on the Parent Advent Calendar today and you could be the lucky one to win the draw.

6 Reasons to Love Mary’s Family Yoga Class

1. Family Exercise makes great memories

Family sport takes us out of our normal interaction (which can often be individually focused) and puts us in a team environment.

Instead of having Daughter playing in her room, Son hiding his head in earphones, and Mom & Dad catching up on social media, EVERYONE is focused on the SAME activity.

And that creates shared memories.

As each family member grows, they also gain in independence.  Family fun can possibly “just happens”;  more often there is some intentional planning behind the scenes.  Like scheduling a workout for the entire family!

Mary at Villa Manon
Mary Holmes Smith (left) with her contagious joy

2. Parents get a break

Parents get to follow while Mary leads the group with charm and proficiency

I asked a professional skier how he got his children engaged in the sport: “I had someone else teach them.”

When someone else leads, parents enjoy co-participation.  Bye-bye power struggles, harsh words, or whatever’s of family life are irrelevant at Villa Manon, Mary’s peace-filled and cozy studio.  It’s a fresh start for all.

In the years when our 4 boys born within 7 years were little, I cherished moments when we could be together under someone else’s care.  It made it easier to enjoy the kids
instead of trying to control them â˜č!

Allow yourself to be led.  Allow Mary to lead the children her way.  After all, she’s offereing a stretching exercise!

3. Children (of all ages) calm their emotions through physical exercise.

In their book, The Whole -Brain Child, neurologists Daniel Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD. remind us that bodily movement directly affects brain chemistry.

Exercise enables the “downstairs brain” (responsible for our emotional reactions) to reconnect with our “upstairs brain” (the thinking part of the brain).  In other words, movement helps us calm down and think more clearly.

(For more about the brain, see this child-friendly video).

With Mary, you and the children will learn and practice simple techniques to oxegenate the body, nourish those cells with water and air, and stretch tense muscles.

Simply put, you will feel better
and you will discover muscles you did not know you had!

4. Children love it

In my Parent + Child workshops, I begin each session with a short movement exercise.  (Mary has often provided wise counsel for the right activity for various ages.)

During one class we began with stretching.  Everyone reached up high standing on their toes.  When I proceeded with, “Bend down and touch the floor,” several three year old’s got down on their knees and dropped their bodies and hands on the floor.  Sprawl. (We adults merely bent at the waist.) Up they stretched again.  Sprawl back down.  I tried not to smile tooooo hard as these tots valiantly stretched with concentrated effort.  Precious.

For our “Stop Repeating Yourself” workshop, I embarked with a very repetitive, repetitive, repetitive exercise.  The second time, most parents caught on.  By the third time, they were rolling their eyes.  The children, on the other hand, were having a blast!  They wanted more and more and more!

5. Get Yoga and More

Mary is also a certified Pilates instructor and an experienced in Fit-box and Powerstrike.  This sport consists of performing boxing movements individually and set to music.  Check her out on this video.

If your family tends to the dynamic, bouncy side, you might try yoga to learn about focus
and in the middle switch to some Kick-boxing moves to expend that overflowing energy.

Villa Manon6. Enjoy the haven of Villa Manon

Villa Manon, Mary’s studio, looks out onto a verdant garden. Going there is like stepping off the fast track of life into a harmonious haven.  It is located at 3 Parc de Jardies in Sùvres, just 3 minutes by foot from the railway station direct to St. Lazare.  You can also contact her for a private class “chez vous.”

 

Follow Mary & Villa Manon

Villa Manon
3 Parce des Jardies
92310 SĂšvres
(by SĂšvres-Ville d’Avray train station)
email Mary Holmes Smith

    

From “Brush your teeth” to “I love you”

Posted on by Denise

This post is for moms and dads who feel like they repeat themselves 1000x/day.

How can we get children to listen IN OUR HOME?

Effective parenting tools are great…but help me apply them!

That’s why we developed SoSooper Parent + Child workshops like the one we held on Saturday: Stop Repeating Yourself – Listen with Curiosity Questions.

Sign up for this workshop.  We’re doing it again in central Paris on October 7.

Parents Want Tools & Kids Want Play

The parents’ objective centered on getting the kids to listen. They wondered how it could be possible.

The children wanted to have fun, go on an outing, and be with mom and dad.

We aim to please both.  The smiling faces tell us we did.

We’re doing So Sooper!

Surprise-filled Activities

Parents & Children switch roles

“Kids, would you like to play Mom & Dad for a while?”  Children’s eyes popped excitedly
and off we went to try on costumes.

Commands Lead to Rejection

Scene 1:

The parents’ eyes and ears grew wide as they heard their children give them instructions.  In a commanding voice, 6-year-old told his dad to “Put his coat on” and to “Stop playing on the computer.”

Father responded with “No, no, no” until he exclaimed, “Woah! Son.  You’re bossing me around!”

Hummm.

Questions Generate Engagment

Scene 2:

The children (acting as parents) then replaced the instructions with questions. Here was a fun exchange:

Parent (played by a child): “What is our agreement on Computer Time?”

Child (played by a parent speaking defiantly): “I can play when I want!”

Parent (played by a child): “What is OUR AGREEMENT on Computer Time?”

Child (played by a parent):  Silence. “OK.  10 minutes.”

Everyone agreed that it felt better to be saying and hearing the questions.

But, parents enquired, how can we come up with the right questions when we need them?

Digging for Questions

For our next activity, parents and children gathered together in their own family units and explored for questions.

The kids knew by heart (!) the instructions repeated 1000 times.  They rarely really understood why.

Precious Sharing

Here is a precious exchange between a father and child:

Child: “I know, I know.  You always repeat that I need to brush my teeth.  Why is it important to brush my teeth?”

Father: “So that you don’t have cavities.”

Child: “What is important about a vacaty?”

Father: “A cavity is when your tooth gets sick and it hurts a lot.”

Child: “Why is it important that my teeth don’t hurt?”

Father: “Because I love you.  I don’t want you to hurt.”

Child: Smile. “Because you love me.” Grin.

Finding Solutions

Together they came up with a question that Dad could ask at teeth brushing time,
“What do you need to do so that your teeth won’t hurt?”

 

This is what SoSooper is about.  Turning a challenging situation into a moment of connection between parent and child.

SoSooper helps parents turn a challenge into solutions while staying connecting with their kids. Click to Tweet

Join us next week.  We’re doing this same workshop in the center of Paris.  Click here to sign up.

Boys hiking in canyons

Challenge Builds Self-Confidence in Kids

Posted on by Denise

Self-esteem.  Self-confidence.

THAT’s what I want for my children!

How do kids grow in self-confidence? 

One sure way is to

  • allow them to engage in difficult activities,
  • give them a role in the decision-making process, and
  • celebrate the achievement together.

When I change my behavior (less control, more appreciation of each person, and enjoyment of the moment), the kids grow more confident!

Free download

Read on or download your free Family Confidence-Building Calendar now.

Continue reading “Challenge Builds Self-Confidence in Kids”

Family Feedback ToolKit

Posted on by Denise

Tip Top Family Activity

One of our most strategic family activities.  It helps everyone focus on growth and on becoming the best person we can be.

Read more about The Family Feedback.

The ToolKit includes

  • Tips for success
  • Worksheet (one for each participant)
  • Recap sheet – to remember your goals throughout the year

Click on the images below to download

Tips

Worksheet

Recap

Happy New Year tiara for girl

The Family Feedback with little children

Posted on by Denise

How much can your young child tell you about YOUR job as a parent?

Quite a lot.

By listening you share encouraging words for your kids.

The Family Feedback with tots

The Family Feedback is ONE GREAT FAMILY TIME where kids give feedback to parents. They start with the good stuff 🙂 and move onto deeper discussion.  Read more here.

For very young kids, we stick to sharing family highlights.  

You want your kids to associate “family” with “fun”?  Then ask them to tell you about a fun time with Mom or Dad.  This strengthens the neural messaging in their brains so that they can more easily access memories of great times as a family.

Our brain is amazing…and malleable.

Ask, “Tell me about a time you felt really happy with us.”

“When we played ball together.”

Help your child fully recall with the experience through specific and factual questions.

“What color was our ball?” “Was it before or after lunch?” “Who else was playing with us?”

Then gently probe for what generated the positive emotions.

“What was soooooo great?” “Which part made you feel the most special?”  “What did you do to show you were happy?”

Thank your child.  

“Your telling me when you were happy makes me very happy too.  Thanks, Darling.”

We tried it & loved it

Here’s what one mother shared after a SoSooper workshop where she and her three year old daughter enjoyed such a conversation:

“My daughter was probably a little bit young (only 3) and I think was struggling to really engage with the activities. However, even though she dealt with it on her level, I think she still got a lot out of the experience – and found it nice that it was a time where mummy was ready to listen to her and find out what she found fun and loving about being in our family.

This workshop reminded me that we do all right as a family (eating together, playing together, respecting each other). As I’m sure you know only too well – it’s a tricky job, mummying, and can seem very unrewarding sometimes. If I were a business, (actually I’m a secondary school teacher) I wouldn’t put up with clients who were so demanding and so seemingly ungrateful for all my efforts. I think what you’re doing is so important – just like in any job, you have training for that ‘shot in the arm’ of enthusiasm and clarity to do your job better every day. Parents need that more than anyone!”

Free downloadDownload Free Tools

SoSooper prepared some worksheets for you:

  • to prepare
  • to succeed
  • to remember

Click here to get your free downloads.

Cover photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash