Last photo with my dad

TGIF – Remembering Al McDonald, my father

Hello.

I have been silent these past weeks.  My parents recently moved to a senior residence.  Once Dad was assured that Mom was settled in, and I had just had time to hang pictures on the wall, my father passed away.

This newsletter is quite personal, and I share my faith in Jesus Christ.  If this turns you off, now is the time to close this email.

So, here goes for a politically incorrect and totally genuine TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Fun.

Trust

I am trusting in eternal life.

My father, Al McDonald, died last Thursday, one week before Thanksgiving.  I am trusting in eternal life that is a gift through Jesus Christ.

It is with sad but grateful hearts that we commemorate the extraordinary life of co-founder Alonzo (“Al”) McDonald, who passed away this past week at the age of 91. Al’s remarkable life included service as CEO of McKinsey, President and Vice-Chairman of the Bendix Corporation, White House staff Director for President Carter, Deputy Special Trade Representative, and Harvard Business School faculty member. Al also founded and chaired the McDonald Agape Foundation, and served as founding Chairman of the Trinity Forum, which he helped launch with Os Guinness in 1991. 

extract from The Trinity Forum newsletter

Click here to read the tribute to Al McDonald by author Os Guinness.

Dad himself wrote about his faith in three essays printed by The Trinity Forum.  You can get free copies (scroll down on this page for instructions):

Trusting in eternal life means believing that the best has just begun.  I consider that eternal life begins NOW…and the best experiences we have in our life here on earth are merely signposts of our life after death.  Life as we experience it daily resembles the light of a lamp, whereas life after death is like basking in sunlight.

I am trusting that my father is in the best time of his life ever!

Gratitude

Grief is real.  We grieve because we love and were loved.  What a privilege to have shared tenderness with my father throughout various times in my life.  I am grateful to having loved, to continue loving, and to be loved.

Al McDonald young father
When he believed in me even though I fell LOTS.
Al McDonald father
During my awkward years. Gotta have vision!  (No Photoshoping!)
Al McDonald grandfather
When he welcomed my husband and invested in our kids and the next generation.

Inspiration

Here is what I learned from my father:

You don’t try, you don’t get.

Opportunities come to those who take risks.  Wise risk-taking centers on identifying your personal perspective on potential gain and potential loss.

Dad spoke of decision he had made where colleagues had focused on the discomfort (moving internationally with young kids to a country speaking a foreign tongue) or the downsides (leaving headquarters and the center of power).

He had seen and sought out challenge and growth opportunities…and choosing the less travelled road made all the difference.

Keep growing.

My dad embraced life through learning.  He devoured books.  He sought opportunities to go out of his comfort zone.  And he only settled for excellence.  If we could do better, then why settle for less. 

When he read our report cards, his tone of voice changed from satisfaction to questionning when an “A” turned into an “A – “!  Yes, he put on pressure to perform!

Maybe in reaction to this intensity, each of his four children chose a career path quite different from his.  And yet, we each integrate love of excellence, hunger for understanding, and wonder of life.

Be strong
…and sometimes that means being weak.

For the first half of his life, my father sought strength through power. He reached his level of professional success through exceptional strategic intellect, political savvy…and some bulldozing.

When I entered college, my father’s faith in Jesus Christ had a transforming impact on his life.  Before, Dad “did the right religious moves.” On Sundays he was a respected church member.  Yet, during the week, he forged forward, sometimes leaving debris on the wayside.

Then he chose to follow Jesus. Not just to proclaim allegiance, but to put his beliefs into action.  I remember a special dinner when I was in college. He asked for forgiveness for the mistakes he may have made as a father.  It’s not that he suddenly became Mr. Nice Guy and immediately adopted non-violent communication tools.  It was a beginning of a new trend, of seeking strength through humility.

The end of his life is crowned in tenderness.

Last photo with my dad
My last photo with my father.

Fun

Dad had two things read to him the day he died.  The Bible and the lunch menu.  He loved God’s word and fine dining.

We are having a party to celebrate his life and legacy.  I am soooo looking forward to being with people he loved and to cherishing his memory and their company.  What fun!

 

Next…

I am taking time off from these TGIF letters.  We can be so busy doing.  Doing our work.  Being busy.

I want to take some time to be.  Sip tea with my mom.  Bask in sunshine.  Celebrate Christmas, family, and life.  Clarify priorities for the new year.

Let’s stay in touch.  With love and appreciation,

Denise

TGIF - Halloween in Paris

TGIF – Collective Intelligence on Halloween

Helloooooooo…..  How was your week and Halloween?  It inspired me for the TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Fun.

Trust

“What do you do when there is a relationship challenge at work?” It’s a question I often ask folk around me.

Many people respond with some kind of avoidance.  Either to avoid the issue  (“I pretend it’s OK.  It’s not worth making a fuss over it.”) or they try and create distance with the person (“I look for another job.”)

I have been helping professionals find alternative ways to handle these uncomfortable situations and to come out with win-win solutions.  We meet as a group with the specific purpose of identifying alternative ways to manage difficult and delicate situations.  The results are amazing.

I am trusting in the power of collective intelligence.

People feel heard.  They realize other people share similar issues.  When someone else experiences the problem, they are able to step back and find helpful solutions to get unstuck.  They also hear of alternative ways to overcome the problem, ideas they would not have come up with on their own!

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. – John Donne

Here is how it works: one person presents a challenging issue.  The others share what they would do if they were in that situation.  We address topics as varied as

  • How to manage the colleague who is trying to impress your boss when you are presenting a new project
  • How to get team members to meet their deadlines
  • For are a company with a kitchen for coffee and tea.  How to handle doing the dishes in a fair and just way?
  • How to better include the foreigner (or woman or the “different one”…) in decision-making
  • ….

I lead these groups within companies (where people know each other) and with groups that get together with the sole purpose of transforming “stuck-in-the-muck” into do-able inspiration.

Gratitude

I am reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Aldom.  It’s a collection of conversations between a previous student and his dying professor (he has ALS known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.   The body loses muscle control, starting from the feet and moving up.  There is no cure.)

Here is what Morrie Schwartz says about the window. (!!!!)  How often are you and I grateful for a window?!

He nodded towards the window with the sunshine straming in.  “You see that?  You can go out there, outside anytime.  You can run up and down the block and go crazy.  I can’t do that.  I can’t go out.  I can’t run. But I appreciate that window more than you do.

I look out that window every day.  I notice the change in the trees, how strong the wind is blowing. It’s as if I can see time actually passing through that window-pane.  Because I know my time is almost done.  I am drawn to nature like I’m seeing it for the first time.

Inspiration

Here are a few more inspiring nuggets from Morrie

“Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently.

Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

It is inspiring to read about death without it being gory or dreary.  Death is a reality.  Maybe you too have aging parents.

Thank you Morrie for the inspiration to challenge me to live every day as PRECIOUS.

Fun

Collective intelligence and Halloween got me thinking.  Lots of eyeballs giving fresh perspectives and many brains all together.

eyeballs and brains

Yes, we did have Trick-or-Treaters come by our Parisian home.  I offered them eyeballs, brains, or toffee….eeeeehhhhhh!

“Can I taste an eyeball?” !!!!!

Cracked me up.  Lots of fun.

 

Wishing you a great week.  A bientôt (next week), Denise

TGIF - Trust Gratitude Inspiration Fun

TGIF – Thanks for saying, “Thank you”

Hello.  I just returned from a visit with my aging parents.  What a bittersweet time of memories and tenderness.  That’s why I am trusting in gratitude.  Read on for the entire TGIF rundown – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, & Fun!

Trust

Thankfulness is a game changer.  I’m trusting in gratitude.

This past week, I spent doing some pretty unpleasant, menial tasks as I cared for my parents.

Holding hand of aging parent
From Long Island Pulse online magazine.

Their genuine and heartfelt thanks made serving them easy and tender.  I experienced first-hand how gratitude transforms a chore into an opportunity to connect.  I am trusting in the transformational power of gratitude.

Image from Tinybop

Gratitude

I am grateful for the clear-headedness of my recent workshop participants.  I was leading a session on project management and one of the members fainted.  One second she was standing.  The next she lay inert on the floor.

The group of upcoming leaders rallied to her succor: two rushed off to secure medical assistance, others led stragglers out of the room to keep the place calm, others kept talking to her and rubbing her face, … Each person found a practical way to contribute to an unexpected and potentially dangerous situation.

Everyone survived…and as a group, we thrived.

Inspiration

On September 30, 2019 Jessye Norman died and left this earth.  What an inspiration of character, hard work, grit, as well as talent.

I love how she interpreted the French national anthem, La Marseillaise, at the 200th anniversary of the French revolution.

Jessye Norman’s dress à la French flag. Seen here with the designer, Azzedine Alaïa.

Here she is captivating the French audience with her talent.  Click on the image to enjoy the short video!

Jesse Norman sings La Marseillaise

Fun

Tomorrow I’m going apple picking!  Fun & Yummmm…

 

Wishing you a great week.

A bientôt (next week), Denise

Neat & New Stuff

Enjoy these posts inspired by my father’s wisdom:

“Aging isn’t for sissies!”

What’s YOUR Focus Word?

Boy looking through telescope. Searching Focus word!

As life passes, one realizes time is…limited.  That’s a focusing thought!  Read on…

 

When It’s Urgent to Reflect

Man reflecting in parkI wrote this post after a hearing a professor speak on leadership and reflexion at a Harvard Business School reunion.  My father had encouraged me to attend the school and the place holds a soft spot for us.   Read on…

Serenity.  To Accept the Things We Cannot Change

Serenity of lighthouseWe cannot change the passage of time and the impact it has on our bodies and our relationships.  But discover what we can do about it!  Read on…

Interview with Elizabeth Moreno, CEO of Lenovo France

Jumping across rocks. Risk taking.Lenovo speaks of taking risks:  how she learned how to embrace risk-taking with confidence and thrive.  Read on…

Trust Gratitude Inspiration Fun

TGIF – Practice What You Preach

Oh, what a beautiful day.  It’s Friday and TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, & Fun!

Trust

This week I’m trusting in what I preach.

I train in conflict resolution and constructive communication skills and carefully design curricula around neuroscience-inspired group activities.  These generate Aha! moments, (“Yikes.  I sound like THAT!  It’s demotivating!”) and participants then open to learning new ways to interact.

Not the group I led this week. Some of the participants were assigned (they did not choose) to attend and they tested the limits.

The two people that created havoc in work relationships were at it in our group too.  They were on the phone and then interrupted the group to catch up.  They crossed their arms and refrained from partaking in the group activities. Yes, these were adults!

Yet such resistance also creates the opportunity to practice what I preach.  All eyes were on me to see how I would handle the situationThrough this challenge, everyone realized that one can still respect people while correcting unhelpful behavior.

(Find out more about these trainings here.)

I am trusting in applying respectful communication tools and to staying respectful even especially when it’s tough.

Gratitude

Calm reigned in France and the US this past September 11.  It remains a somber date.  It’s the day we remember what we were doing when we heard the news of the Twin Towers ablaze.

Even in a world with strife, we can still be thankful for the countries that are at peace.

Image from Landlopers, not your ordinary travel site

Inspiration

We welcome a gorgeous Swiss woman in one of my classes.  Here was her training take-away which is today’s inspiration.

“I feel like a Swiss cow.”

cow with bell in Alps

The men (who had been ogling her) and the women (who had been envying her beauty and charm) looked at her even more avidly.

“Yes, I need to chew on this stuff.  And then some more.  And afterwards, just as a cow produces creamy and delicious milk, I will help create a fruitful and engaging work environment.”

I have a new liking for cream!

Fun

Have you too heard that “great” parents spend one-on-one time with each child?

We have four boys.  Do the math.  More kids renders individual attention more challenging…and more rare.

We created the ritual of Two-on-One time.  For his 5 year birthdays (10, 15, 20 years…), Mom and Dad take the child out to dinner.  For one evening, each kid benefits from the full attention of BOTH parents.

“Every five years!  Can’t they do better?” you may wonder.

We created a ritual that we could fulfill with our finite energy, time, and budget.

Tonight, we are on our 16th Two-on-One dinner.  Looking forward to this opportunity to learning more about and from my grown and growing son…and having fun with a night on the town!

Check our birthday rituals below.

It is good to be back.  Wishing you a great week.

A bientôt (next week), Denise

Neat & New Stuff

4 Gifts Colleagues Crave…and Never Make the List

Birthday Wishes for adult

What do you offer your team members for their birthday?  Chocolate? Nothing!  

Try these gifts which build belonging and confidence.

Read on…

The Million Dollars Birthday Chair

Boys blowing out birthday candlesGet lots of bang for little buck with this fun way to celebrate birthdays.  Works with kids of all ages, those at home and folk at work.

Read on…

 

Trust Gratitude Inspiration Fun

TGIF – Flying High…and Sometimes Crashing

Hello for the weekly rendez-vous on Friday.  TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Fun.

Only it is Saturday.  Catching up

Trust

I am trusting in the growth that results from asking delicate, intrusive questions that expose our beliefs.

Asking questions can feel awkward.  People wonder if they are being interrogated and can respond with wariness.  Or they are surprised to be listened to; they expend so much energy trying to be heard!  That’s why I lead training on asking questions effectively – getting to meaningful answers without putting people on the defensive.

This week I have been asking questions about hope for the future.  One of the students speaking at my son’s recent graduation condemned us, the older generation, for passing on a world in destruction:  damage from climate and strife run rampant and without solutions in sight.

The world left to next generation
Image from The Conversation

While she spoke, her vehement speech put a damper on the graduation ceremony, yet many allowed her words to enter one ear and leave by the other.  We returned to celebration as usual.

And yet, I was perplexed, and I started asking questions to young adults around me and engaging in insightful discussion about priorities, sacrifice, decisions, and more.  None of us prone concrete answers.  Yet, in the process of asking and responding to authentic questions, we all grew in purposefulness and in mutual appreciation.

I am trusting in asking questions…AND LISTENING TO THE ANSWERS!

Questions lead to learning.

Gratitude

I am so grateful for forgiveness and second chances.  Just this morning, I tried asking a delicate question and it came out all wrong.  I struck out.  I feel bad…and the other person must feel even worse.

Striking out

Reparations are in the works.  More will be required.  When the sh** hits the fan, there is clean-up.

Yet it is still worth confronting sensitive topics.  The air and space get refreshed.  And I learn humility in the process.  I am also grateful for humility!

Inspiration

The young woman who spoke courageously and with passion at my son’s graduation inspires me.  She had a provocative message; the stakes were high for her; and she delivered her speech with aplomb.

If she were a man, I wonder if we’d say, “She’s got balls.”

She’s got balls!

Instead folk expressed that she’s abrasive.  I am inspired by her gumption.

Fun

Here I am literally going outside of my comfort zone.  Flying high (the person paragliding in the background is moi) !

Flying in the mountains

Fun..and freaky!

Wishing you a great week.

Sincerely, Denise

 

Neat & New Stuff

What Kids Hear when Parents Repeat 1000 Times

You ask nicely.  No response.  You ASK insistently. Still undesired response…. Check out the family workshop on listening skills.  We reversed roles between parents and kids and “Aha! moments” abounded!  Read on…

Give the Gift of Time

Father and son spending time together

During the holidays, give kids what they crave the most:  your full attention.  We made it easy and fun.  Read on… 

4 Ways Kids Can Help Parents Resolve Work Challenges

Kids-give-lessons-to-parentsYour children are smart.  They have been around you.  They also view the world from a different perspective.  In our difficulties, sometimes we lose clear vision.  Discover these ways you and your child can grow in intimacy AND bring clarity to a fuzzy situation at work.  Read on…

Express Your Values and Give Them Purpose

On a sampan in the Mekong riverSummer vacation is a great time to share your values with those you love.

Try traveling to transmit open-mindedness, tolerance, adaptability, patience, and more.  Read on…

Trust Gratitude Inspiration Fun

TGIF – Hope in the Next Generation

Hello for the weekly rendez-vous on Friday.  TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Fun.

Trust

I am trusting in the next generation’s ability and desire to embrace people who are different from them.

In my last TGIF, I told you of my son’s graduation.  After that ceremony, my husband and I drove off for a weekend wedding celebration.

At both events, the next generation were radiant.  The young adults proudly walked across the stage to receive their hard-earned diplomas.

Graduating high school senior

The young couple glowed with happiness.

What fills me with trust in their ability to welcome differences is that they already have!  The students attend a multi-cultural school which integrates French and Anglophone teaching methods (VERY different).  The Franco-American couple welcomed thirty nationalities to their wedding.

It’s exciting to see the next generation embrace multiple cultures with enthusiasm.

Gratitude

I am grateful for being shaped by the next generation.  I am the person I am today partly because of who my kids are and how they helped me grow.

Mom's thanking kids for growth

I have long believed parenting is like leadership development.  We craft a vision (try to), communicate it (try to), and organize to make it happen (try to).

It’s in the “trying to” and the “messed up and trying again” that I have become the person that I am.  Thanks, next generation, for being such thorough (!!!) trainers.

I shared my appreciation directly to my one of my sons before his graduation.  We have this bulletin board by our front door, and friends often come over.  As the buddies were leaving, there was a quiet moment by the front door.  Then, “That’s cool.”  Later, I asked my son what that was about.  “The sign, Mom.” 😊

Inspiration

My inspiration comes from Mother Teresa.

“We train ourselves to be extremely kind and gentle in touch of hand, tone of voice, and in our smile, so as to make the mercy of God very real.”
– Mother Teresa

It is easy to think that some people love or are organized or lead others naturally.  It’s auto-magic.

I had thought that of Mother Teresa.  She was born good and kind and gentle.  And yet, she asserts otherwise.  She INTENTIONALLY trained herself and created training methods for all of the Sisters of Charity

  • to lovingly touch the leper
  • to genuinely smile with eyes and lips at the drawling and toothless elder
  • to soothingly speak to the person disformed by pain

As I train upcoming leaders and students, I am inspired to remember that kindness can be learned.  So can resilience, patience, optimism, listening….

Fun

It was a blast to see my son get his well-earned diploma.  We are proud of him.  Even more importantly, he is proud of himself.

Intrinsic motivation will help him more in life than approval from others.

Proud parents of high school senior

Wishing you a great week.

Sincerely, Denise

 

Neat & New Stuff

What Motivates More: Encouragement or Compliments?

Denise Dampierre in workshop

Are some people born with intrinsic motivation (it’s auto-magic or genetic…) or can it be learned?

Scientists assert that the way you and I act can develop (or not) intrinsic motivation in others.  Read on…

4 Ways Kids Can Help Parents Resolve Work Challenges

Kids-give-lessons-to-parentsYour children are smart.  They have been around you.  They also view the world from a different perspective.  In our difficulties, sometimes we lose clear vision.  Discover these ways you and your child can grow in intimacy AND bring clarity to a fuzzy situation at work.  Read on…

Intergenerational Communication that Works – Insights from Dem DX

Newborn baby in hospitalThe younger generation seems more comfortable with diversity in nationality, race, and religion.  How about with different generations? That can seem tougher.

Learn how this start-up integrates the wisdom of senior experts with the expertise of younger generation.  Dem DX won the European prize for the Harvard Business School New Venture Competition.  Read on…

TGIF - Girl Power Female soccer

TGIF – Girl Power

Hello for the weekly rendez-vous on Friday.  TGIF – Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Fun.

Trust

I’m trusting in womens’ leadership and in the business case for diversity (gender and more) in executive teams.  Female soccer is a key player in this game.  Our family is cheering for the French in 2019 FIFA Female World Cup.  Are you watching the matches too?

Wendie Renard and Amandine Henry on French female soccer team
The action! TOGETHER. That’s teamwork.

Thought-Provoking Facts:

Twenty years ago, women and girls represented less than 2% of the soccer-playing population in France.  Today, close to 8% of the players are female.

Whereas the number of total French soccer players grew 15% from 1999, the number of women players multiplied fivefold!

What’s the big deal?  According to CEO Magazine, 95% of Fortune 500 CEO’s played sports in college.  I am trusting we can get more women into the boardroom by getting them on the field.

Les Bleues

The French fashion magazine Elle has added an entire section “Les Bleues” (The French women’s soccer team) to their website.  Great pics and daily updates.  That’s where this photo of “Les Bleues” comes from.

(Trivia: the men’s team is called “Les Bleus” without the second “e”)

Gratitude

This week in France all high school seniors are taking the Baccalaureate test.  It began on Monday morning with Philosophy.

On Sunday evening, around the dinner table, our boys tested each other on philosophy quotes. Here is a quiz for you:

Who said, “If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.” ? (scroll down for the answer)

Seen further standing on shoulders of giants

Food for thought:

On who’s shoulders are YOU standing?

My parents, among others.

What have you been able to see that you could not have envisioned without him?

The world.  They took us traveling as kids and I have not stopped since.  We now live on different continents!

How will you thank them?

I call them…try to do so weekly.  In several decades, I want my kids to call me too. 🙂

Inspiration

Of course Isaac Newton (quote above) inspires me…and I wanted to share wisdom from a woman too. Please, in the comments, share what woman inspires you!

I had the pleasure of hearing Leymah Gbowee speak in Paris after she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2011.  As leader of the Women in Peacebuilding Network in Liberia, thousands of Christian and Muslim women prayed together for peace and held DAILY non-violent demonstrations.  Their efforts contributed to the end of the Liberian civil war.

Leymah Gbowee Nobel Peace Prize 2011
from LeMonde

“We are tired of war. We are tired of running. We are tired of begging for bulgur wheat. We are tired of our children being raped. We are now taking this stand, to secure the future of our children. Because we believe, as custodians of society, tomorrow our children will ask us, “Mama, what was your role during the crisis?”

– Leymah Gbowee speaking to dictator Charles Taylor and officials.

Food for thought:

What are you tired of? 

For what will you take a stand?

Leymah Gbowee, Nobel Peace Prize 2011
from the Personal Development Café

“You can tell people of the need to struggle, but when the powerless start to see that they really can make a difference, nothing can quench the fire.”

– Leymah Gbowee

Food for thought:

Where do you feel powerless? 

What is One. Thing. YOU can do TODAY to make a difference?

Fun

It’s a double graduation year.  Here I am with our son graduating with a Master in Management from HEC Paris and with our youngest who is passing the Bac. (He’ll have his eyes fully glowing when the baccalaureate exam is over!)

HEC Paris graduation

Great memories of lots of work and lots of fun.

Wishing you a great week.

Sincerely, Denise

P.S. PLEASE share what woman inspires you in the comments below.  Thanks.

 

Neat & New Stuff

Insights from Vice-Dean of Sciences Po Management School

Vice Dean Sciences Po ManagementIn this interview, Olivier Guillet of France’s prestigious Sciences Po School of Management and Innovation addresses the 21st century leadership needs.  The Internet has revolutionized the management criteria and requires new skills for success.  Read on…

How to move from Book-Wise to Street Smart

There is knowledge to gain AFTER the degree.  It’s the wisdom of applying what we learn.

At work that translates into changing habits, like disciplining ourselves to gain a fresh perspective.  Tips to open our eyes, ears, and minds.  Read on…

Looking for Interview Suggestions

Can you recommend a wise leader with a message related to building constructive conversations at work?  Many of you appreciate the interviews I led with tried and tested leaders who overcame challenging conditions.

It would be an honor to know about them and to possibly interview them.  Please send me an email.

Remembering Normandy D-Day

TGIF – Remembering D-Day

Seventy-five years ago, yesterday, the Allied forces landed on the Normandy beaches and defeated the Germans in the Battle of Normandy.  An Allied victory for World War II was in sight.  Nazi exterminations and indoctrinations would be exposed and stopped.

June 6, 1944 remains one of the world-changing days of history.  Our world would be vastly different without that day.  There would be no state of Israel.  Europe would have been “culturally cleansed.” My imagination cannot fathom the consequences.

The above photo is from the movie, The Longest Day which recalls the event.

Trust

Today, I am trusting in Democracy.

It’s a scary thought as I view political unrest among nations.  It is true of countries that boast democratically elected governments and those of other regimes.  So what gives me hope?

Normandy d-day
Town center is named after D-Day, June 6 in 1944

Democracy can and does evolve.  After World War II, when many of the French political leaders were tainted with collaboration with the Nazi’s, the country adopted its 4th constitution.  In order to limit abuse of control, power was concentrated in the legislative branches.  In a divided country, there was insufficient support to implement unpopular reforms.  War, again, led to the establishment of the 5th Republic.  The president, elected by the citizens, runs the country with consultation of the prime minister which he appoints and who is approved by the elected legislative representatives.

With the recent Yellow Jacket unrest there is talk of a 6th republic.  What is the role of the citizen?  What does representation mean in the Age of Information?  Who decides what?

My trust in democracy is like faith as described in the Bible:  confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

I see the need for an evolving democracy.  I trust it will come about.

Gratitude

Gravestone from Normandy D-Day
Here rests in honored glory a comrade in arms known but to God.

THANK YOU to the soldiers who sacrificed their lives for you and me 75 years ago.

When our sons were young, we visited Omaha Beach, Arromanches-les-Bains, and the American Memorial and Cemetery in Normandy.  As the boys read the gravestones, they calculated the ages of the soldiers.  Many were 19,20, 21 years old.

These young men did not all fight by choice.  They left behind grieving families.  Each one was a person with a unique story…even the unidentified soldiers.

I am grateful for their sacrifice to me, an unknown stranger of a future generation.

Inspiration

During our visit to the Normandy beaches I discovered the artificial harbor at Arromanches-les-Bains.

Frankly, I had not thought much about wars and how they are fought, lost or won. In this quaint seaside town, I learned of the vital importance of logistics

  • Medical supplies for the wounded
  • Food for the soldiers
  • Gas for the tanks
  • Bullets for the guns

Because of these needs, the Germans expected the Allies to land in an established port.  The waters of Gold and Omaha Beaches were too rough to allow for unloading from tankers and transportation on land.

That’s where the Mulberry Harbor played a vital role.  The British devised a transportable harbor.  What inspirational, ingenious out-of-the-box thinking!

On the horizon, you can still see the sunken cement blocks that created the artificial harbor.

D-Day landing in Normandy
Mulberry Harbor on the horizon…and in front!

Fun

I had fun looking through old family photos to find those of our Normandy beach outings.  When I came across these I laughed out loud.  The hair!  The boys’ energy!

Stay tuned for next week.  We use the Allied philosophy on hair-cutting.  Bring the barber chez nous!

Clearly our family is not perfect…nonetheless, we are precious!

LOL

In the Spotlight

When Values Translate into Behavior

Inspiration from the Normandy D-Day that you and I can apply at work and at home.  It’s about choosing where to invest our time, attention, energy, and finances in order to reach our goals for 30 years from now.

Read on…

Precious or Perfect?  Wisdom from Notre Dame

Being good enough.  Is that perfection?  But we’ll never reach it!

Inspiration from the drama at Notre Dame on the dark sides of perfectionism.  All it takes is a spark to burst into destructive flames!

Read on…

When Values Translate into Behaviors

Clarify Values – Know What Matters

Today, we celebrate 75 years since the Allied Forces invaded France’s Normandy beaches.

When our sons were little, we traipsed them off to visit Omaha Beach, Gold Beach at Arromanches-les-Bains, and the cemeteries of those who died for a mission.  We wanted our kids to learn of the price of freedom and to consider these freedom-fighter as heroes.

D-Day beach
Mulberry (artificial) Harbor at Arromanches-les-Bains in Normandy, France

President Eisenhower, in his June 6, 1944 speech to the embarking soldiers, appeals to their love of liberty.

What do you and I live for? What gives us the courage to face the impossible? 

When we tap into our mission and our deepest values, we unleash the courage needed to step outside of our comfort zone.

According to Socrates, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Jay Light, previous Dean of the Harvard Business School, put it this way, “We need to know where we want to be in 30 years to decide where to invest the next month.”

That’s what the Allies did when conceiving the Normandy beach landings.  Let’s gain insights for our life today.

How Values Matter

Values facilitate decision-making.

Consider even the way we organize and manage our meetings.

Steven Sels, then CEO of Primagaz, share how their values guide their weekly schedule.  He handed me a fun-to-handle foldout that dedicates one page per core corporate value: growth through performance – go for niche and market share – invest in people – keep things simple – listen, learn and react – look for the unusual – manage change.

He went on to explain that their Executive Committee meets every Monday afternoon to hear project presentations for any team in the organization.  Teams are to submit a written pitch the week before and are allotted thirty minutes of discussion with senior management.

Through these Monday sessions, the company kept innovation simple, uncovered niche market opportunities, taught teams to collaborate and to pitch ideas, and modeled listening and learning by the executive team, and were able to move fast when implementing new ideas.  They lived their values and these principles took on meaning.

Compare that to corporate meetings that last looooong, where too many people are convened, and decision-making is slow.  Fuzzy values breads lack of focus.

Make Values Crystal Clear

In my workshops, I often ask this question which brings out people’s values.

“What would we need to function as One. Great. Team?” 

“What would we need to function as One. Great. Team?” 

In a few minutes we have a list of a dozen or more ideas and ideals which run the gamut from “Respect each other” to “Be on time” to “Listen” to “Have food.” 😉

It is worth digging deeper.

Translate Values into Behaviors

We continue defining how to collaborate effectively.

“What does ‘respect’ mean to you?” 

“Respect means not interrupting.”

“So, how do handle when one person monopolizes the discussion?  They might not realize it AND we do want to hear other people’s input.”

In this point of the discussion, the group begins to understand the value of valuesBeliefs lead to behaviors.

There is more than one way to skin a cat, and there are plentiful solutions for showing mutual respect.  In the ensuing discussions, values become clearer and more meaningful.

Behaviors are “real” and visible.  When associating beliefs with specific action, the ideals become more relevant too.  It’s a virtuous circle.

Commemorating D-Day Values

Normandy d-day
Town center is named after D-Day, June 6 in 1944

The soldiers, military, resistors, and civilians who contributed to the Allied victory on the Normandy beaches translated “freedom” into the action.  They all risked (and some lost) their life for it.

  • Some climbed into a boat on a stormy night and jumped off onto mine-filled beaches.
  • Others imagined, designed, and built an artificial harbor made of concrete blocks and old tankers that they would sink at Arromanches-les-Bains. This assured the logistic supply for the troops.
  • Others spoke and listened to the coded “personal messages” on France Libre, the French resistance radio channel on the BBC from London.

Thank you.  Their decisions to invest courage and valor 75 years ago allows us to live as are today.

In what will you and I invest so that we are where we want to be in 30 years?  Let’s think about it now.  A family friend and veteran says, “If I knew I would be living this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” 

Let us live without regrets with purpose NOW.

P.S.

Sometimes sharing values looks messy.  Here is a picture of our four boys at the American Cemetery and Memorial by Omeha Beach.  We invested energy in having them stand somewhat reverently in the cemetery…clearly not in having them sit quietly at the barber shop!

Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial
LOL

Photos of Arromanches by P Bracke

Tiger in cage. Safe boundaries.

Solutions Alternatives au Licenciement d’un “Employé Toxique” – 2/3

Combattre la toxicité avec des Messages en « Je »

Les employés difficiles répandent souvent leurs toxines sans que cela se voit, ce qui rend compliqué la gestion de leur impact négatif.

Dans le dernier article, nous nous sommes intéressés à parler ouvertement de ce genre de comportement. Mais que se passe-t-il si votre collègue vous évite et s’extirpe d’une réunion qui devait donner lieu à une discussion constructive ?

VOUS pouvez toujours capter leur attention de façon positive en une ou deux minutes avec un message centré sur le « Je ».

Un homme ou une femme qui s’oppose à un chef ou un collègue avec franchise et respect est une personne qui ose ! Les Messages en « Je » sont un outil pour mettre en place des barrières protectrices ou bien pour mettre à bas des barrières qui n’ont pas lieu d’être.

Parlez de VOS besoins avec le « Je »

Quand on aborde une attitude difficile chez une tierce personne, on a tendance à commencer la phrase avec « Vous ».

« Vous me mettez mal à l’aise… »

« Vous causez des problèmes quand… »

« Votre attitude… »

A QUI APPARTIENT LE PROBLEME ?

Le « Vous » implique que l’auteur du comportement a (ou bien cause) un problème. Pourtant, un comportement toxique peut servir ses objectifs.

Dans l’article précédent, nous nous sommes intéressés à l’exemple d’un chef qui touchait de façon inappropriée ses employées. Son comportement confirme qu’il pense qu’il mérite un traitement de faveur, il peut toucher… sans que cela ne le touche lui. Une plaignante peut être réaffirmée dans sa mentalité de victime, malheur à elle ! Personne ne l’aide à se délester de son fardeau.

Ce sont les autres, comme vous et moi, qui expérimentons la difficulté ; nos objectifs ne sont pas atteints. C’est le sentiment de sécurité de la femme qui est violé quand un homme choisit de toucher sa poitrine comme bon lui semble. C’est le besoin de respect du manager qui est mis à bas quand un membre de l’équipe arrive en retard aux réunions avec une tasse de café encore chaude dans la main, le tout surmonté de crème chantilly.

ASSUMEZ LA RESPONSABILITE POUR VOS BESOINS INSATISFAITS

RENDEZ-LES RESPONSABLES POUR LES CONSEQUENCES DE LEURS ACTES

Comment aborder un comportement inapproprié pour que la personne agisse en conséquence et de manière positive ?

Un message en « Je » pose les limites sans juger.

En tant qu’êtres humains et que professionnels, nous cherchons tous à se sentir à notre place et à contribuer positivement à un groupe porté par un but qui en vaut la peine. En tant que managers, nous espérons que les membres de notre équipe trouveront au travail cette communauté pleine de sens !

Quelles sont les qualités nécessaires pour rendre un environnement propice à la mise en place d’un objectif qui fait sens et d’un sentiment fort de coopération ?

  • La confiance
  • La confiance
  • La confiance
  • La sécurité, la responsabilité, l’initiative, l’engagement, la compréhension, l’acceptation, la coopération, l’accueil des différences, la joie, le rire

Des frontières claires et respectées renforcent ces qualités propices au respect.

« On fonctionne de cette manière…. Ce n’est pas comme ça que l’on procède… »

« Comme je sais que ma supérieure assure mes arrières, je suis très actif dans la recherche de moyens pour améliorer notre activité. Je pose des questions à nos clients dans le but d’avoir un retour constructif. Je propose et teste régulièrement des idées pour affiner la qualité de notre service. Je le fais car je sais qu’elle se donne beaucoup de mal pour moi aussi. »

Quand un manager s’approprie le travail de son groupe, il a franchi la limite entre travail de groupe et toxicité. La frontière a été forcée et les besoins des employés ne sont pas satisfaits.

Un message en « Je » aide à parler d’une violation d’un comportement constructif sans pour autant recourir au reproche ou à la honte.

Les Trois Parties d’un Message en « Je »

Il y a trois parties dans un message en « Je ». L’ordre n’a pas d’importance. C’est le fait de couvrir les trois éléments qui compte.

1. EXPOSEZ BRIEBVEMENT LE COMPORTEMENT INDESIRABL

« Quand vous arrivez en retard aux réunions de groupe avec une tasse de café liégeois encore chaude dans la main… »

2. PARTAGEZ VOS RESSENTIS (UN MOT PAR SENTIMENT)

« … je sens de l’injustice… »

3. REVELEZ LES CONSEQUENCES

« Parce que d’autres doivent prendre sur eux pour votre confort. Quelqu’un, moi ou un coéquipier, perd du temps à vous faire un récapitulatif de ce que l’on a déjà abordé. C’est une perte d’argent pour l’entreprise et c’est un manque de considération pour la charge de travail du collègue en question. »

OU

Exprimez ce que vous souhaiteriez

« J’aimerais que vous arriviez à l’heure. »

En ce qui concerne la partie 3, je préfère me concentrer sur les conséquences des actions perturbatrices et permettre à l’autre personne de proposer sa propre solution. Il se peut qu’ils arrivent à l’heure à la réunion avec du café pour tout le monde !  Exprimer un souhait peut paraître directif.

Un Exemple de Message en « Je »

Un professeur de management a raconté comment il avait utilisé les messages en « Je » avec les étudiants de l’université quand le groupe commençait à se dissiper. Un jeune homme en particulier, plus difficile que les autres, avait roulé des yeux, et, marmonnant quelque chose sur l’injustice de la vie, allait et venait bruyamment pendant leur temps de réunion.

Pensant, « Mais quand vont-ils grandir ?! », et sentant sa colère monter, le professeur avait décidé d’attendre le cours suivant pour réagir.

La semaine suivante, pendant une session sur le commerce mondial, il a abordé le sujet de comment saisir les fruits de la diversité en utilisant des messages en « Je ». Les gens de différentes cultures se comportent de façons qui peuvent être déstabilisantes pour les autres.

Il a partagé deux façons de traiter un problème de différence générationnelle dans sa classe :

L’option des messages en « Vous » : « Vous gênez les autres quand vous parlez pendant le cours. »

La classe a souri narquoisement. Ils avaient déjà entendu ce genre de remarques. C’est rentré dans une oreille et ressorti aussitôt par l’autre.

L’option des messages en « Je » : « Quand vous parlez pendant le cours, je me sens volé parce que le bruit supplémentaire me prive de la possibilité d’entrer en contact avec ceux de vos camarades qui sont intéressés et qui souhaitent apprendre. »

La classe s’est tue et leurs yeux se sont écarquillés. « Je pouvais les voir réfléchir… et se rendre compte qu’ils faisaient une différence dans la réussite de toute la classe », a-t-il raconté.

Des Conseils pour Réussir avec des Messages en « Je »

A. PREPAREZ-VOUS EN AMONT, AU CALME

Bonne nouvelle : un message en « Je » est rapide à dire. Si une personne qui n’a pas un bon comportement évite vos tentatives de prises de contact, un message en « Je » d’une minute attirera son attention.

Retour à la réalité : ça prend du temps à préparer.

Un des défis est d’identifier une émotion appropriée au travail.

Quand on dépasse nos limites, notre cerveau passe en mode combat, fuite ou bien arrêt. En fuite ou en arrêt, on ne rétorque pas quelque chose sur le coup. En mode combat par contre, c’est le cas… et avec des mots que l’on veut blessants.

« Je me sens violé… ridiculisé… détruit… usurpé… »

Ces émotions sont réelles et valides. En même temps, ces mots plein de jugement peuvent se retourner contre vous.

Quand notre cerveau se met en mode combat, on répond avec des mots que l’on veut blessants.  Se calmer nous permet d’avoir de nouveau accès à un langage constructif.

Donnez-vous le temps de vous calmer après avoir été confronté à une situation toxique avant d’y répondre.

B. SOYEZ PRECIS

Rappelez une situation toxique qui a eu lieu.

Evitez d’employer les mots « toujours…. » et « jamais…. »

Considérez ces questions :

  • Qu’est-ce qui a été fait ou dit ?
  • Comment vous êtes-vous sentis après ? Comment les autres ont-ils réagis ?
  • Qu’est ce qui a été le déclencheur négatif ?
  • A quoi vous attendiez-vous ?
  • En quoi le comportement actuel diffère-t-il des actions souhaitées ?

Essayez de définir l’écart qui pose problème. Il est utile d’identifier les qualités de l’environnement de travail que vous souhaitez pour le rendre constructif. Vous êtes-vous heurté à de la moquerie alors que vous recherchiez de la confiance ? Êtes-vous relégué à des tâches subalternes alors que vous souhaitez apprendre ?

C. UTILISEZ UN LANGAGE FACTUEL

Quand vous décrivez un comportement, remplacez le vocabulaire subjectif par une description neutre.

« Quand vous insultiez Jane… » invite à une réponse défensive.

« Quand vous avez dit à Jane qu’elle ressemblait à… » relate des faits.

D. REDIGEZ DES EBAUCHES

Plus votre message en « Je » sera clair, plus vous aurez de chance de recevoir une réponse positive.

Il se peut que vous n’ayez qu’une minute pour capter l’attention de « l’employé toxique ».

Les messages en « Je », comme tout nouveau langage, demande de l’entraînement. Imaginez que vous êtes en train de parler à un représentant d’une autre planète (D’une-Ville-Qui-Pense-Vraimeeeeent-Différemment-De-Moi). Essayez votre message en vous entrainant devant votre miroir.

Attendez-vous à rédigez plusieurs brouillons… de chacune des trois parties : le comportement, vos sentiments, et les conséquences.

Relisez. Est-ce que les sentiments sont en lien avec les conséquences ? Si ce n’est pas le cas, repensez à ce qui vous a gêné, et réessayez.

Pensez à votre message en « Je » comme un pitch court. Qui doit attirer l’attention. Qui invite à la collaboration. 10 brouillons !

E. CHOISISSEZ DES OCCASIONS

Partager et recevoir des messages en « Je » implique de la vulnérabilité et du courage. Utilisez ces ressources précieuses avec parcimonie. Il serait dommage de vous créer une réputation de quelqu’un qui ne fait que souligner les problèmes.

« Quand tu laisses le stylo ouvert sans son bouchon, je… »

« Quand tu prends le dernier Kinder à la cafétéria, je… »

Se Laisser Être Surpris par la Réponse

Certaines personnes incluent un autre élément au message en « Je » : une demande pour une action précise. J’aime croire que la personne réagira efficacement.

Le professeur d’université a également raconté « la fin de l’histoire ».

« La semaine suivante, je suis arrivé en classe en avance et l’élève le plus perturbateur était déjà là. Je suis allé le voir, lui ai fait remarquer sa ponctualité et lui ai dit à quel point j’appréciais son effort de comportement. Il a souri, eu un petit rire et a dit « Ouais. Je pense que c’est la première fois cette année ! »

Il a contribué positivement tout au long de la classe. Alors qu’il s’en allait, je lui ai de nouveau dit que j’avais remarqué sa participation pertinente. Il s’est exclamé « Et, vous savez, j’ai écouté alors même que la fille derrière moi n’arrêtait pas de me planter son stylo dans le dos pendant tout le cours. Je ne me mettrai plus devant elle ! »

Je pensais que c’était une personne toxique. Il m’a prouvé le contraire. Son comportement avait été répréhensible mais il s’est montré capable de contributions positives même dans des circonstances difficiles. Il a surpassé toutes mes attentes. »

C’est pourquoi j’aime présenter un message en « Je » et permettre à l’autre de me surprendre avec leur propre réponse constructive. Ça arrive dans la plupart des cas.

… Et si les difficultés persistent, alors il est temps d’adopter encore une autre méthode. Nous en parlerons la semaine prochaine.

Lire : Qu’est-ce qu’un employé toxique ?

Lire : Solutions alternatives au licenciement d’un employé toxique – 1/3