Ask intimidating boss about priorities

How to Ask Your Boss About His Priorities without Sounding Disrespectful

Posted on by Denise

In this time of confinement, we are each more aware of our limited resources: finances, time, energy, focus, humor, patience, and more.

Knowing our priorities helps us invest these personal and professional resources more wisely.

Our work priorities depend upon those of our boss.

Do you really know what three numbers keep our managers up at night? What are they measuring?

They be looking at different issues during confinement than in “normal” times

  • Cash
  • Sales pipeline
  • Employee health
  • Access to technology
  • Employee morale
  • Team communication
  • Employee autonomy
  • Interruptions during a workday
  • …

Especially during a crisis mode, it is vital to (re)align our efforts with our boss’ imperatives.

YOU and YOUR BOSS

How is your relationship with your manager?  Do you know there are 150 Million responses to “I hate my boss” on Google?!  (FYI 670 Million search “I hate my job.”)

Few of us are at ease calling our boss to ask about her priorities.  Coaching clients tell me this:

  • “It’s not my job to ask my boss about his priorities. My job is to follow his directives. He chooses. I act.”
  • “It would not make a difference if I asked my boss about her priorities. I still must do the same work.”
  • “We don’t have that kind of relationship. I am not her confidant. She asks us what is going on in the field. We don’t ask her what is going on in the board room. I think she’s a great boss because she listens to US!”

Employees expect the boss to take the lead.

And yet, you have the most to lose by not being aligned with your boss’ prioirities.  Your peace of mind, energy, and possibly job security depend upon it. 

How can YOU take this positive initiative and ask your boss about his priorities with utmost respect?

Prepare both the PEOPLE and the Content

Often preparation for a meeting focuses on getting the content right.

This process prepares the people too.

Prepare Yourself

The first person to prepare is YOU (and me!).  Mindset matters.

We all have some degree of the imposter syndrome. The underlying questions are, “What gives me the right (validity) to 
?” “Should I ask my boss about his priorities?”

Try reframing the situation slightly to focus on results. You’ll discover empowering questions.

  • “How can I ask my boss about priorities in a way that makes her want to share them and even appreciative of the opportunity to do so?”
  • “How can I better help my boss perform well during these times of stress?”

Here, we focus on overcoming obstacles. Merely formulating these questions helps us to birth an action plan.

Prepare Your Boss

It is more the exception than the rule to enjoy strategic exchanges with our manager. He might be taken by surprise by your request.

Consider a two-step process to help him adjust.

  1. Tell him you want to ask about priorities
  2. Ask him

Prepare the Discussion Content & Process

I like to have a basic structure when engaging in open-ended discussions. Sounds counter-intuitive?!
Structure provides safety when venturing into less certain territory.

The following steps guides us in launching and closing the discussion with confidence. You will also gain pointers on how to stimulate the exchange if your first attempt does not generate the hoped-for response.

1. Explain the trigger for the discussion

Your boss might be wondering what makes you act “oddly.”

As humans, we fill in knowledge gaps with our own interpretation. And oftentimes with negative news!
Let her know from the onset this is a forward-thinking exchange. 😊

When you explain the trigger for the discussion, point out your motivation to grow professionally.

2. Confirm your objective to support your boss in her/his priorities

Products and services that sell well are those that satisfy a need. Your boss has needs too, among which performance criteria. Assure him that you are committed to those as well.

It sounds obvious, yet we can get caught up “doing our work” and forget the reason for it. The purpose of your discussion is to add purpose to your work!

3. Present the context which depicts the relevance of your question

As we work in increasingly complex organizational structures
.and as we work from home during confinement (!)
your boss might not know exactly what you do.

He might be oblivious to the fact that you spend HOURS on projects that get dropped and that your motivation has taken a toll.

This is your opportunity to provide a succinct glimpse into your preoccupations. You can present these concerns in ways that reinforce the interest of the company or of the department.

  • To best use your time and focus
  • To maximize learning for the department
  • To best reach our quarterly objectives
  • To fully tap into collaborative teamwork
  • 


4. Make your ask

Your boss is the person who knows her priorities better than you do. There is a time for you to ask that she express them.

Directly.

Expecting an answer.

It’s O.K to leave a few seconds of silence. They might feel like hours (!). Your closed mouth puts the onus on your boss to speak.

It’s O.K to leave a few seconds of silence. They might feel like hours (!). Your closed mouth puts the onus on your boss to speak.

Many of my coaching clients fall into the trap of filling in silence. It makes them uncomfortable, so they speak.

Change your mindset about silence. Remember that when you ask a question and pause, your silence communicates loudly. It speaks of

  • Intent
  • Confidence
  • Self-Control
  • Interest

And more.

I was recently on a videoconference meeting where the decision-maker had been avoiding making a choice about when to kick-in an emergency plan. One of the participants finally presented the issue as a direct question.

“What is the minimum level of cash that triggers the emergency plan?” Silence.

His silence kept us quiet.

Finally, the manager responded. “I guess I have to make a decision.”

The participants remained silence still.

“Ok…” and we FINALLY got an answer!

Be serious about asking your boss about her priorities
and you will be taken seriously.

5. Prepare to listen MORE

Have you noticed how it is easier to listen when topics are relevant to us?!

The more we understand how our boss’ priorities relate to our work, the more fruitful the discussion will be for you or me.

You can guide the discussion with well thought-out queries.

  • If _____(such and such happened) what impact do you see that having on our work?
  • What might maximize our chances of success?
  • Where are the risks higher and where are the stakes lower?

6. Have a back-up plan

I teach a class on resilience. One of the keys to being able to pick up and get back into the game is to have a Plan B.

Think of professional soccer players. They fall all the time. And get back up again. They even have training sessions on how to fall so that they can rise up again quickly.

A Plan B gives room for margin.  You and I don’t have to be perfect on the first attempt.

A back-up plan is like a life vest. When we swim out of our comfort zone and into deep waters, we have something to keep us afloat.

As a Plan B, anticipate several of your boss’ priorities and ask her to comment on those and even to rank them in order of importance.

You could even present potentially conflicting priorities and explore how your manager evaluates and compares them.

7. Link strategies to actions

In the interactive story mentioned above, The Calamities of Jade, Jade had been previously assigned a Project A. She brings it up during this strategic discussion with her boss. “How does Project A fit in with your priorities? “

(We don’t know the answer yet. In fact, it’s YOUR vote that determines it! Click here to vote on #SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork.)

Our companies thrive because ideas get implemented. Your boss’ priorities impact decisions about how you and I spend our time, energy, attention, affection, and finances.

In the end, it comes to “Just doing it.”

Gain clarity on what needs to be done!

8. Close with thanks

Thank YOU!

Working with a Challenging Boss

How is your relationship with your boss?

I help managers and high potentials manage themselves and their bosses with confidence.

You spend most of your hours at work.  If your manager is a source of discouragement, you carry that with you in all facets of your life.  You used to have the commute ride home to unwind.  With confinement, that discouragement enters your own home.

Let’s (re)build your confidence and your positive impact.

Send me an email to share your goals and the obstacles that keep you from reaching them.  Let’s connect to see if my online training and coaching is the right solution for you to boost your confidence and your career.

Cover photo by Matthew Henry from Burst

unanswered emails

Collective Intelligence Solutions – “No one answers my emails!”

Posted on by Denise

Do you ever feel like your communication goes into a big blank void.

“Hello, is anyone out there?”

A client, let’s call her De Nise 😉, shared this challenge.  She sends out emails…and no one responds.

Silence.

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWorkDe Nise shared:  “It’s an important issue I am writing about.  Does no one care?  How can I make them more responsible?”

Tapping into Collective Intelligence

I proposed we try a collective-intelligence solution-finding.  It is a tool available to you on the Facebook private group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork.  Click below for your invitation to join.

Here is how it works:

  • A person shares a work challenge
  • I work with that person to clarify the context of the issue
  • In a moderated discussion led by me, we invite members of the community to share their perspective and what they would do if they were in this situation.

Did you catch that?  NOT what the other person should do. What they would do if they were in that situation. 

Why go through this process?

What Collective Intelligence can do for you

You and I can get stuck in our mindset.  We think the same way over and over.  People are creatures of habit, and each of us has thinking patterns as well.

These thinking routines are helpful in many situations.  We don’t have to reflect deeply on how to sit down on a chair during a meeting or on how to open our computers.

Yet we get trapped in patterns of thought.

I remember a very aggitated fellow conference speaker.  We were before an audience of several hundred people and he could not get his password to work on the computer.  He muttered under his breath: “I have not changed the passcode…The computer worked yesterday!…Do I have a virus? 😹…Why did I not put my presentation on a USB key!….”

And he retyped his password over and over again to no avail.

I suggested he might check the Caps Lock key.  “What is it?  I never use it. That’s not possible.”  Yet this key on the keyboard can get accidently pushed and stay pushed and changes lower case letters into CAPITAL LETTERS.  Well, he was typing 3pASSWORD3  instead of “Password” and no wonder his computer did not open.

An outside perspective gave him a solution he would not have considered in his habitual thinking.

Collective intelligence brings fresh perspectives.

Collective Intelligence at #SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

So what happens on the Facebook private group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork?

Below is a recap of the exchange between myself and my client as we tapped into collective intelligence.

YOU TOO can experience this constructive group brainstorming first-hand on Thursday, March 12 at 2:00 p.m. Paris time.  Click on the button below to get your invitation.

Collective Intelligence Business Case:
No one answers my emails!

My client (we are calling her De Nise) shared her frustrations about no response to emails.  Faced with a communication void she lost confidence in herself and began questioning the value of her contributions at work.

(You may have experienced similar feelings over different issues.  Feel free to post your specific situation on the group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork and we’ll help you find alternative answers.)

Example of discussions on SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork:

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWorkDe Nise No one answers my emails! It’s so frustrating. 😠
Aren’t they concerned? How do I get others to be responsible?

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre It’s a bummer De Nise to feel in an information void. Did you know that our brains are wired to fill in these data gaps
and it does it with thoughts of what we fear:
– “Are they speaking behind my back?”
– “Are they questioning my performance or capabilities?”
– “Is my work insignificant?”
– “Do I have the email version of bad breath (people stay away and you are not sure why)?”

So let’s get a fresh, more positive (and productive) perspective.

We can start by focusing on a specific situation so that we can fill in the data

  • To whom was the email addressed? (ex. just to my boss, to my 5 colleagues, to
.)
  • Can you summarize the message in one sentence?
  • How long was the email?
  • What did you ask?

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWorkDe Nise – In this one urgent case, I addressed the email to 5 people, a mix of clients and of suppliers. We are working on a full-day presentation for the client company and the day’s program is timed to the minute. I am the event coordinator. At our rehearsal, the client managers were not ready with their individual presentation. We are heading for a disaster if the client managers speak overtime
and when they prepare at the last minute that is what usually happens. I sent the email to my boss and colleagues at the event management firm, to the client coordinator, and to the venue manager.

No one seems concerned. Am I the only one to be responsible?!

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – Would you be open to a fresh perspective and to hear what other people might do in your situation?

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – Sure , why not .

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – I presented this situation to my own mastermind group and here are people’s response to the question: “If you were in this situation, what would you do?”

  • “I would re-read my email from the perspective of the receiver. Is it clear what is expected of them? Where are there ambiguities? Then I would re-write a short email making a clear request.”
  • “I would call up each person concerned and ask them how they view the situation and what they suggest to respect both the timing and the managers’ egos.”
  • “I would send out a note about best practices for presentations at an event like this. It would include tips about slides (one point per slide, limit the text, make it legible from afar
). It would indicate an approximate minutes per slide (ex. from 3 to 8 slides for a 5-minute presentation).”
  • “I would write an email entitled ‘Action Steps’ and indicate a clear next step such as ‘Managers to submit their slides for a 5-minute presentation by ____ (date).”
  • “Are there regular follow-up meetings? I would do nothing now and add ‘Timing and Manager Presentations’ to the agenda for the next meeting.”
  • “I would ask my boss what is expected of me. Whose job is it to manage the timing? If it is not my job, then let the other person do it. If it is my job, then I would connect with my counterpart at the client to see how we can better communicate the time-limit to the managers.”
  • “I would not take it personally. We get so many emails; they get lost in our mailbox. I would simply send another email
and make the title catchy.”

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – WOW!  I had not realized there were SO MANY WAYS to address this issue !

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – So, which one will you try this week?

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – I have to choose ?

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – You mentioned you were willing to try something new. That begins with choosing a novel approach. Which one will you try?

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – I am not comfortable with some of these ideas, but I could send out the guide for best practices with indications of how many slides per minute. This would give us all a reference point and if a manager submits 40 slides, I can refer him back to the guide. I feel more confident this way.

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – Great, let us know how it went.

A week later…

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – De Nise Sooooo…. How did it go?

Avatar SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

De Nise – Well, I ended up doing nothing then and waiting for the next meeting. No one mentioned my email, but we addressed the issue. I realized after our exchange that my email was not clear. It only mentioned a problem and no solution. And it would have been more effective if I addressed the issue either directly with my boss or with my client contact. I am now more conscious of how I write emails.

Thanks. I had felt quite vulnerable, but this ended up being very HELPFUL.

Denise Dampierre SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork

Denise Dampierre – That’s what the group is for.  Keep it up!

Get your issue resolved with Collective Intelligence

Soooo…what did you think?  I would very much appreciate your feedback.

You might prefer to do so in a setting with more confidentiality and even anonymity.  (You can use your first name only on Facebook)

Rendez-vous on the Facebook private group SafePlaceToTalkAboutWork !

Trust Gratitude Inspiration Fun

TGIF – Walk the Talk & Talk the Walk

Posted on by Denise

Hello.  It is autumn.  TGIF.  Thank Goodness It’s Fall.  I love the brisk air and color still on the trees and skies still blue.  All of this turns grey in Paris in the wintertime.  Now, today, let’s be in the present.  It is the First Friday in Fall.  TGIFFF !!! 😊

We’ll settle for  Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, & Fun!

Trust

I am trusting in Walking the Talk.

This week, in my coaching, I have tested conversing solely via text messaging.  Of course, there are the drawbacks of not seeing facial expressions and reading body language.

There are advantages too.

  • People keep a trace of their thoughts. Without realizing it, they are journaling.
  • People admit a weakness differently to a phone than to a person. It’s like the GPS that remains polite no matter how many wrong turns we take.  There is no judgement.  There is moving forward.

I keep noticing how people seek to resolve problems for which they are experts:  the marketing consultant seeks to market herself, the relationship expert feels isolated, the friend of many laments that he is the friend of none.

Not walking the talk

What I do is help to make a plan and stick to it.

Walking the talk comes down to making a plan to implement our own wisdom in our lives.  Without action steps, we are trusting in _______ (Que serå, serå) !  Is that REALLY what you and I want?

What’s Your Plan to Walk your Talk

Want some encouragement in putting resolutions into action?  Send me an email
and we’ll connect by text!

Gratitude

Throughout the coaching-by-text (see above), I ask questions.  Too many inquiries can make the receiver feel under interrogation.

So, from time to time, I explain the purpose of our discovery process.  I Talk my Walk (explain my actions)

“I’ll be asking you several questions because you can go deeper still.  Let’s get to the core of your motivation
.”

This explanatory pause changes the dynamics of our exchange.  It reframes the questions from giving answers that could satisfy me to self-discovery for them.

Of course, I mention this purpose at the beginning of our exchange
and people forget.  I am thankful for the reminders I give and get to both “Walk the Talk” AND “Talk the Walk.”

Inspiration

Roger Federer is an inspiration to me.  His 20 Grand Slams are impressive enough.  Yet what really inspires me is how he speaks of his rival Rafael Nadal.  He said something like this on the French radio.

Image from the Wall Street Journal

 

“Rafael Nadal compelled me to reinvent my tennis game.  He played a different kind of game and made others change.  Because he was so good, he competed with many players and had a powerful impact on the evolution of tennis.”

When I change, I compel others to evolve too.  That’s inspiring!

Fun

Yesterday, while walking in Paris, I came across this cobblestone entrance to a classic apartment building.  The street was narrow with lots of traffic, so I did not get a great photo, but here you go!

Door in Paris

May love accompany you through the doors of your life.

Wishing you a great week.

A bientĂŽt (next week), Denise

Muslims in prayer

Being an Outsider in the Paris “No Go Zone”

Posted on by Denise

Last week I was invited to lunch in the Paris “No Go Zone” and here is what I learned about being an outsider.

My Outsider Experience

There I was waiting in front of a low-income housing complex in the middle of St Denis, the Paris suburb where Jawad Bendaoud housed the terrorist attackers who stormed the Bataclan on November 13, 2015 and killed 130 music fans and wounded another 413 people.

Equiping Juvenile Delinquents to Contribute Positively

I was invited to lunch at the restaurant Taf & Maffé to join the seven youth in juvenile detention that I was training in social skills.  The town justice service hires me to give wayward youth tools to contribute positively to society.  I love these sessions of authentic exchange and where I grow as much or more as they do.  This lunch opened my eyes wide with discovery.

White Anglo-Saxon, Female, Red-Head Outsider

As a tall, white woman with spikey, bright red hair, I often stand out in a crowd.  Here, surrounded by men of African and Middle Eastern origin, some wearing tunics and prayer caps, I definitely looked out of place.

I felt displaced as well.  My bearings were off.  I consider myself open-minded and had thought I had no specific expectations.  Yet, standing alone in unknown territory, I realized I looked for familiar signs.  Specifically, I searched for the welcoming signboard of a restaurant and a clearly displayed menu to lure me in.  There was nothing of the sort.  Just a high rise and men.  (I saw two women in veils, both begging.)

welcoming restaurant from outsider view
My unrealistic expectation

A man in a tunic pointed me towards the inside of the housing complex and I went in.

Outdoor “Mosque”

Beyond the entrance, in the building’s courtyard, lay a patchwork of colorful rugs.  I had not integrated that we were Friday and that, for the Muslims in St Denis, prayer time began at 1:48 pm. There wasn’t enough space at the mosque, so the “inn” made room for the faithful.

The man pointed me further down a corridor and I walked into a large hall with tables and chairs and people serving out of industrial size cooking pots.  Questioning eyes observed me as I scrutinized the room, noticing the buzz of activity and the full chairs.  I was not expected here either, so I waited outside for my crowd.

The youth finally arrived AND our group kept waiting (!), huddled in the small segment of the sidewalk that basked in the sun.  My confusion grew, yet since the youth were calm-despite-hunger, I remained relaxed-enough too.

Our dining room was being prepared.

Lunch is Served

We were ushered into a 20mÂČ room which served as the office of an association which integrates refugees into France.  They had moved the printers and photocopy machine to the side, stacked papers in piles, and moved the desks to form one large table.  Again, I had not come with set expectations yet discovered that this is not what I had anticipated!  In retrospect I realized I had expected a “Chez Samir,” something like an exotic version of “Chez Sylvie.”

We enjoyed a flavorful, filling, and exotic meal of bissap (hibiscus) juice, chicken maffé (like an African paella), HOT chili sauce, and dégué (millet grain pudding flavored with orange blossom).

Even when everyone had finished eating, we stayed put.  Since I was leading the afternoon training session for the youth, my eye was on the watch.  Yet, as a guest, I let the organizers set the rhythm and opted to let go of control and to enjoy the company and the moment.

Waiting.  Not my Schedule.  Theirs.

By now a group of ten or more of us were huddled in the doorway, with still no indication of movement and easy chit chat around.  Then one of the youths announced, “It’s time.”

While we were eating, the courtyard had filled with men for the mid-day prayer.  Prayer time was now completed; we could open the door.

We joined the crowd of worshipers as they flooded into the street and flowed on their way.

I grew from the experience of being an outsider.

My Take-Aways from being an Outsider

Open-Mindedness

I (re)learned that open-mind is not a state of being that one reaches.  It’s a journey
that goes deeper and deeper.

As a Protestant white American married to an atheist French man from West Indies descent, I think of myself as open-minded.   Our marriage would not have lasted twenty-seven years had we not each made considerable concessions to and for each other.

Yet an open-mind cannot be earned and worn as a Scout badge for public recognition.  As I acknowledged my surprised reactions to these unknown surroundings, I discovered untrod paths of open-mindedness and traveled further along the journey.

Unconscious Bias

A decade ago, few people were aware of unconscious biases.  Now, “unconscious bias” is an often-heard, sometimes-understood term.

Unconscious bias. Lots of outsiders
Growth in awareness of unconscious bias over 15 years

Here is how the University of California, San Francisco defines it.  

“Unconscious biases are social stereotypes about certain groups of people that individuals form outside their own conscious awareness. Everyone holds unconscious beliefs about various social and identity groups, and these biases stem from one’s tendency to organize social worlds by categorizing.

Unconscious bias is far more prevalent than conscious prejudice and often incompatible with one’s conscious values. Certain scenarios can activate unconscious attitudes and beliefs. For example, biases may be more prevalent when multi-tasking or working under time pressure.”

I confess, I had thought I was addressing and uncovering (a.k.a. eliminating) my unconscious biases fairly well.   Yet during my visit to Saint Denis, a neighborhood physically close to my home and yet culturally far removed from my norm, I kept bumping into my assumptions.

I expected restaurants to have outdoor signs and buildings to welcome residents, not worshipers.

Mostly, I realized that we (you and I included) have an uncanny bias towards thinking that we might be unbiased!  LOL

Empathy

The best way to grow in empathy is to get out of our comfort zone.

Authentic empathy comes from the heart.  It is experienced.  It is not an intellectual thought.

Alone on that sidewalk I felt insecure, with a loss of bearings.  Taking initiatives required effort and felt risky.  Instead of my usual proactive self, I waited for others to make the first move.

I caught a glimpse of what it feels like to be excluded.

In the past, I responded to other people’s slowness, reactivity, and lack of self-confidence with critique.  “C’mon.  Get over it.”  Thanks to my work in constructive collaboration, I have learned to replace judgement with encouragement.

I did not need advice on that street corner.  I needed courage poured into me and the strength that comes from a benevolent presence.

Transformative Trainings

In St Denis, I was hired to open these youths’ eyes, minds, and even hearts.  Through soft skills training and building their self-awareness and other-awareness, we connected constructively.  Here were their parting thoughts:

  • Hope
  • Motivation to look for a job
  • Confidence in myself

These youth also opened my eyes, mind, and heart.  That’s what I love about our workshops on constructive collaboration tools.  Through role plays and team activities we create a safe space for learners to step outside of their comfort zone.  They are free to laugh at themselves, to discover new insights, and to choose how and how much to grow.

For YOUR Team Too

Find out more about these trainings to bring out the best performance and collaboration from your teams.  We define our training program according to your organization’s needs.

Are you seeking to build a more inclusive culture?  We help build self-awareness, empathy, and trust which are pillars to developing a sense of belonging and contribution.

Your success depends upon negotiation skills?  We help you and your team understand other people’s perspectives and balance short- and long-term benefits so that you can negotiate creative outcomes where all parties gain.

You want to give your team a motivational boost?  We help you break down communication barriers and build relationship bridges so that expectations are clear, progress gets recognized, and success is achievable.

Be in touch.  It’s what we do:  transform difficulties into opportunities for growth.

SoSooper = from blooper to sooooo super!

Cover photo from The Great Courses Daily website
Restaurant photo is Chez Sylvain & Sylvie in Bordeaux region

Tiger in cage. Safe boundaries.

Solutions Alternatives au Licenciement d’un “EmployĂ© Toxique” – 2/3

Posted on by Denise

Combattre la toxicitĂ© avec des Messages en « Je Â»

Les employés difficiles répandent souvent leurs toxines sans que cela se voit, ce qui rend compliqué la gestion de leur impact négatif.

Dans le dernier article, nous nous sommes intĂ©ressĂ©s Ă  parler ouvertement de ce genre de comportement. Mais que se passe-t-il si votre collĂšgue vous Ă©vite et s’extirpe d’une rĂ©union qui devait donner lieu Ă  une discussion constructive ?

VOUS pouvez toujours capter leur attention de façon positive en une ou deux minutes avec un message centrĂ© sur le « Je Â».

Un homme ou une femme qui s’oppose Ă  un chef ou un collĂšgue avec franchise et respect est une personne qui ose ! Les Messages en « Je Â» sont un outil pour mettre en place des barriĂšres protectrices ou bien pour mettre Ă  bas des barriĂšres qui n’ont pas lieu d’ĂȘtre.

Parlez de VOS besoins avec le « Je Â»

Quand on aborde une attitude difficile chez une tierce personne, on a tendance Ă  commencer la phrase avec « Vous Â».

« Vous me mettez mal Ă  l’aise
 Â»

« Vous causez des problĂšmes quand
 Â»

« Votre attitude
 Â»

A QUI APPARTIENT LE PROBLEME ?

Le « Vous Â» implique que l’auteur du comportement a (ou bien cause) un problĂšme. Pourtant, un comportement toxique peut servir ses objectifs.

Dans l’article prĂ©cĂ©dent, nous nous sommes intĂ©ressĂ©s Ă  l’exemple d’un chef qui touchait de façon inappropriĂ©e ses employĂ©es. Son comportement confirme qu’il pense qu’il mĂ©rite un traitement de faveur, il peut toucher
 sans que cela ne le touche lui. Une plaignante peut ĂȘtre rĂ©affirmĂ©e dans sa mentalitĂ© de victime, malheur Ă  elle ! Personne ne l’aide Ă  se dĂ©lester de son fardeau.

Ce sont les autres, comme vous et moi, qui expĂ©rimentons la difficultĂ© ; nos objectifs ne sont pas atteints. C’est le sentiment de sĂ©curitĂ© de la femme qui est violĂ© quand un homme choisit de toucher sa poitrine comme bon lui semble. C’est le besoin de respect du manager qui est mis Ă  bas quand un membre de l’équipe arrive en retard aux rĂ©unions avec une tasse de cafĂ© encore chaude dans la main, le tout surmontĂ© de crĂšme chantilly.

ASSUMEZ LA RESPONSABILITE POUR VOS BESOINS INSATISFAITS

RENDEZ-LES RESPONSABLES POUR LES CONSEQUENCES DE LEURS ACTES

Comment aborder un comportement inappropriĂ© pour que la personne agisse en consĂ©quence et de maniĂšre positive ?

Un message en « Je Â» pose les limites sans juger.

En tant qu’ĂȘtres humains et que professionnels, nous cherchons tous Ă  se sentir Ă  notre place et Ă  contribuer positivement Ă  un groupe portĂ© par un but qui en vaut la peine. En tant que managers, nous espĂ©rons que les membres de notre Ă©quipe trouveront au travail cette communautĂ© pleine de sens !

Quelles sont les qualitĂ©s nĂ©cessaires pour rendre un environnement propice Ă  la mise en place d’un objectif qui fait sens et d’un sentiment fort de coopĂ©ration ?

  • La confiance
  • La confiance
  • La confiance
  • La sĂ©curitĂ©, la responsabilitĂ©, l’initiative, l’engagement, la comprĂ©hension, l’acceptation, la coopĂ©ration, l’accueil des diffĂ©rences, la joie, le rire

Des frontiÚres claires et respectées renforcent ces qualités propices au respect.

« On fonctionne de cette maniĂšre
. Ce n’est pas comme Ă§a que l’on procĂšde
 Â»

« Comme je sais que ma supĂ©rieure assure mes arriĂšres, je suis trĂšs actif dans la recherche de moyens pour amĂ©liorer notre activitĂ©. Je pose des questions Ă  nos clients dans le but d’avoir un retour constructif. Je propose et teste rĂ©guliĂšrement des idĂ©es pour affiner la qualitĂ© de notre service. Je le fais car je sais qu’elle se donne beaucoup de mal pour moi aussi. Â»

Quand un manager s’approprie le travail de son groupe, il a franchi la limite entre travail de groupe et toxicitĂ©. La frontiĂšre a Ă©tĂ© forcĂ©e et les besoins des employĂ©s ne sont pas satisfaits.

Un message en « Je Â» aide Ă  parler d’une violation d’un comportement constructif sans pour autant recourir au reproche ou Ă  la honte.

Les Trois Parties d’un Message en « Je Â»

Il y a trois parties dans un message en « Je ». L’ordre n’a pas d’importance. C’est le fait de couvrir les trois Ă©lĂ©ments qui compte.

1. EXPOSEZ BRIEBVEMENT LE COMPORTEMENT INDESIRABL

« Quand vous arrivez en retard aux rĂ©unions de groupe avec une tasse de cafĂ© liĂ©geois encore chaude dans la main
 Â»

2. PARTAGEZ VOS RESSENTIS (UN MOT PAR SENTIMENT)

« â€Š je sens de l’injustice
 Â»

3. REVELEZ LES CONSEQUENCES

« Parce que d’autres doivent prendre sur eux pour votre confort. Quelqu’un, moi ou un coĂ©quipier, perd du temps Ă  vous faire un rĂ©capitulatif de ce que l’on a dĂ©jĂ  abordĂ©. C’est une perte d’argent pour l’entreprise et c’est un manque de considĂ©ration pour la charge de travail du collĂšgue en question. Â»

OU

Exprimez ce que vous souhaiteriez

« J’aimerais que vous arriviez Ă  l’heure. Â»

En ce qui concerne la partie 3, je prĂ©fĂšre me concentrer sur les consĂ©quences des actions perturbatrices et permettre Ă  l’autre personne de proposer sa propre solution. Il se peut qu’ils arrivent Ă  l’heure Ă  la rĂ©union avec du cafĂ© pour tout le monde !  Exprimer un souhait peut paraĂźtre directif.

Un Exemple de Message en « Je Â»

Un professeur de management a racontĂ© comment il avait utilisĂ© les messages en « Je Â» avec les Ă©tudiants de l’universitĂ© quand le groupe commençait Ă  se dissiper. Un jeune homme en particulier, plus difficile que les autres, avait roulĂ© des yeux, et, marmonnant quelque chose sur l’injustice de la vie, allait et venait bruyamment pendant leur temps de rĂ©union.

Pensant, « Mais quand vont-ils grandir ?! Â», et sentant sa colĂšre monter, le professeur avait dĂ©cidĂ© d’attendre le cours suivant pour rĂ©agir.

La semaine suivante, pendant une session sur le commerce mondial, il a abordĂ© le sujet de comment saisir les fruits de la diversitĂ© en utilisant des messages en « Je Â». Les gens de diffĂ©rentes cultures se comportent de façons qui peuvent ĂȘtre dĂ©stabilisantes pour les autres.

Il a partagĂ© deux façons de traiter un problĂšme de diffĂ©rence gĂ©nĂ©rationnelle dans sa classe :

L’option des messages en « Vous Â» : « Vous gĂȘnez les autres quand vous parlez pendant le cours. Â»

La classe a souri narquoisement. Ils avaient dĂ©jĂ  entendu ce genre de remarques. C’est rentrĂ© dans une oreille et ressorti aussitĂŽt par l’autre.

L’option des messages en « Je Â» : « Quand vous parlez pendant le cours, je me sens volĂ© parce que le bruit supplĂ©mentaire me prive de la possibilitĂ© d’entrer en contact avec ceux de vos camarades qui sont intĂ©ressĂ©s et qui souhaitent apprendre. Â»

La classe s’est tue et leurs yeux se sont Ă©carquillĂ©s. « Je pouvais les voir rĂ©flĂ©chir
 et se rendre compte qu’ils faisaient une diffĂ©rence dans la rĂ©ussite de toute la classe Â», a-t-il racontĂ©.

Des Conseils pour RĂ©ussir avec des Messages en « Je Â»

A. PREPAREZ-VOUS EN AMONT, AU CALME

Bonne nouvelle : un message en « Je Â» est rapide Ă  dire. Si une personne qui n’a pas un bon comportement Ă©vite vos tentatives de prises de contact, un message en « Je Â» d’une minute attirera son attention.

Retour à la réalité : ça prend du temps à préparer.

Un des dĂ©fis est d’identifier une Ă©motion appropriĂ©e au travail.

Quand on dĂ©passe nos limites, notre cerveau passe en mode combat, fuite ou bien arrĂȘt. En fuite ou en arrĂȘt, on ne rĂ©torque pas quelque chose sur le coup. En mode combat par contre, c’est le cas
 et avec des mots que l’on veut blessants.

« Je me sens violé  ridiculisé  dĂ©truit
 usurpé  Â»

Ces Ă©motions sont rĂ©elles et valides. En mĂȘme temps, ces mots plein de jugement peuvent se retourner contre vous.

Quand notre cerveau se met en mode combat, on rĂ©pond avec des mots que l’on veut blessants.  Se calmer nous permet d’avoir de nouveau accĂšs Ă  un langage constructif.

Donnez-vous le temps de vous calmer aprĂšs avoir Ă©tĂ© confrontĂ© Ă  une situation toxique avant d’y rĂ©pondre.

B. SOYEZ PRECIS

Rappelez une situation toxique qui a eu lieu.

Evitez d’employer les mots « toujours
. Â» et « jamais
. Â»

ConsidĂ©rez ces questions :

  • Qu’est-ce qui a Ă©tĂ© fait ou dit ?
  • Comment vous ĂȘtes-vous sentis aprĂšs ? Comment les autres ont-ils rĂ©agis ?
  • Qu’est ce qui a Ă©tĂ© le dĂ©clencheur nĂ©gatif ?
  • A quoi vous attendiez-vous ?
  • En quoi le comportement actuel diffĂšre-t-il des actions souhaitĂ©es ?

Essayez de dĂ©finir l’écart qui pose problĂšme. Il est utile d’identifier les qualitĂ©s de l’environnement de travail que vous souhaitez pour le rendre constructif. Vous ĂȘtes-vous heurtĂ© Ă  de la moquerie alors que vous recherchiez de la confiance ? Êtes-vous relĂ©guĂ© Ă  des tĂąches subalternes alors que vous souhaitez apprendre ?

C. UTILISEZ UN LANGAGE FACTUEL

Quand vous décrivez un comportement, remplacez le vocabulaire subjectif par une description neutre.

« Quand vous insultiez Jane
 Â» invite Ă  une rĂ©ponse dĂ©fensive.

« Quand vous avez dit Ă  Jane qu’elle ressemblait à
 Â» relate des faits.

D. REDIGEZ DES EBAUCHES

Plus votre message en « Je Â» sera clair, plus vous aurez de chance de recevoir une rĂ©ponse positive.

Il se peut que vous n’ayez qu’une minute pour capter l’attention de « l’employĂ© toxique Â».

Les messages en « Je Â», comme tout nouveau langage, demande de l’entraĂźnement. Imaginez que vous ĂȘtes en train de parler Ă  un reprĂ©sentant d’une autre planĂšte (D’une-Ville-Qui-Pense-Vraimeeeeent-DiffĂ©remment-De-Moi). Essayez votre message en vous entrainant devant votre miroir.

Attendez-vous Ă  rĂ©digez plusieurs brouillons
 de chacune des trois parties : le comportement, vos sentiments, et les consĂ©quences.

Relisez. Est-ce que les sentiments sont en lien avec les consĂ©quences ? Si ce n’est pas le cas, repensez Ă  ce qui vous a gĂȘnĂ©, et rĂ©essayez.

Pensez Ă  votre message en « Je Â» comme un pitch court. Qui doit attirer l’attention. Qui invite Ă  la collaboration. 10 brouillons !

E. CHOISISSEZ DES OCCASIONS

Partager et recevoir des messages en « Je Â» implique de la vulnĂ©rabilitĂ© et du courage. Utilisez ces ressources prĂ©cieuses avec parcimonie. Il serait dommage de vous crĂ©er une rĂ©putation de quelqu’un qui ne fait que souligner les problĂšmes.

« Quand tu laisses le stylo ouvert sans son bouchon, je
 Â»

« Quand tu prends le dernier Kinder Ă  la cafĂ©tĂ©ria, je
 Â»

Se Laisser Être Surpris par la RĂ©ponse

Certaines personnes incluent un autre Ă©lĂ©ment au message en « Je Â» : une demande pour une action prĂ©cise. J’aime croire que la personne rĂ©agira efficacement.

Le professeur d’universitĂ© a Ă©galement racontĂ© « la fin de l’histoire Â».

« La semaine suivante, je suis arrivĂ© en classe en avance et l’élĂšve le plus perturbateur Ă©tait dĂ©jĂ  lĂ . Je suis allĂ© le voir, lui ai fait remarquer sa ponctualitĂ© et lui ai dit Ă  quel point j’apprĂ©ciais son effort de comportement. Il a souri, eu un petit rire et a dit « Ouais. Je pense que c’est la premiĂšre fois cette annĂ©e ! Â»

Il a contribuĂ© positivement tout au long de la classe. Alors qu’il s’en allait, je lui ai de nouveau dit que j’avais remarquĂ© sa participation pertinente. Il s’est exclamĂ© « Et, vous savez, j’ai Ă©coutĂ© alors mĂȘme que la fille derriĂšre moi n’arrĂȘtait pas de me planter son stylo dans le dos pendant tout le cours. Je ne me mettrai plus devant elle ! Â»

Je pensais que c’était une personne toxique. Il m’a prouvĂ© le contraire. Son comportement avait Ă©tĂ© rĂ©prĂ©hensible mais il s’est montrĂ© capable de contributions positives mĂȘme dans des circonstances difficiles. Il a surpassĂ© toutes mes attentes. Â»

C’est pourquoi j’aime prĂ©senter un message en « Je Â» et permettre Ă  l’autre de me surprendre avec leur propre rĂ©ponse constructive. Ça arrive dans la plupart des cas.


 Et si les difficultĂ©s persistent, alors il est temps d’adopter encore une autre mĂ©thode. Nous en parlerons la semaine prochaine.

Lire : Qu’est-ce qu’un employĂ© toxique ?

Lire : Solutions alternatives au licenciement d’un employĂ© toxique – 1/3

Tiger in cage. Safe boundaries.

Alternatives to Firing a “Toxic Employee” – 2/3

Posted on by Denise

Counter Toxicity with “I”Messages

Challenging employees often diffuse their toxins under the radar which makes the negative impact difficult to contain.

Last post we looked at getting the behavior out in the open.  What if your colleague avoids you and slithers out of setting a meeting for constructive discussion?

YOU can still positively catch their attention in one or two minutes with an “I” Message.

A man or a woman who stands up to a boss or colleague with forthrightness and respect has balls!  “I” Messages are a tool to position protective boundaries or remove unnecessary fences.

Address YOUR Needs with “I” Messages

When we address the challenging behavior of someone else, the tendency is to begin the sentence with “You.”

“You make me feel uncomfortable
.”

“You cause problems when
.”

“Your attitude
”

To Whom Does the Problem Belong?

This implies that “You” has (or is causing) a problem.  However, toxic behavior may serve the perpetrator’s purposes.

In the previous article, we looked at an example of a boss who inappropriately touched female employees.  His behavior confirms his belief in deserving preferential treatment; he can touch
without it touching him.  A complainer can be confirmed in her victim mentality; woe is she!  No one helps her by removing her burden.

It’s other people, like you and me, that experience the difficulty; our goals are not met.  It is the woman’s sense of security that is violated when a man chooses to touch her chest at his whim.  It is the manager’s need for respect that is undermined when a team member arrives late for meetings with a cup of warm coffee topped off with fresh whipped cream.

Take Responsibility for YOUR Unmet Need
Give Responsibility for THE Consequences of THEIR Actions

How to address inappropriate behavior so that the person acts on it positively?

An “I” message establishes limits without making judgements.

As humans and as professionals, we each seek to belong and to contribute positively to a group with a worthwhile purpose.   As managers, we hope our team members will find that meaningful community at work!

What are the differentiating qualities of an environment which builds meaningful purpose (the kind we all dream of finding at work) and an engaged sense of partnership?

  • Trust
  • Trust
  • Trust
  • Security, Responsibility, Initiative, Commitment, Understanding, Acceptance, Cooperation, Welcome of differences, Joy, Laughter

Clear and respected boundaries foster these respect-building qualities.

“We act this way
.  This is not what we do
.”

“Because I know my manager has my back, I am on the lookout for ways to improve our business.  I ask our customers more insight-seeking questions.  I regularly propose and test out ideas to tweak our service quality.  I do it because she is going out of her way for me too.”

When a manager takes credit for his group’s work, he has crossed over the line from teamwork to toxic.  The boundary has been broached and employee needs are unmet.

An “I” Message helps communicate a breach in constructive behavior without resorting to blame or shame.

The Three Parts of an “I” Message

There are three-parts to an “I” message.  The order is not important.  Covering all three elements matters.

1. Briefly state the undesired behavior

“When you arrive late in team meetings with a steaming cup of coffee with fresh whipped cream in your hands
.”

2. Share your feelings (one word per feeling)

“
I feel resentful…”

3. Express the consequences

“because others suffer for your comfort.  Someone, me or a team mate, spends extra time to bring you up to date with what we already covered.  It is a waste of company money and a lack of consideration for the team member’s workload.”

OR

Express what you wish

“I would like you to arrive on time.”

With regards to Part 3, I prefer to focus on the consequences of the disruptive actions and allow the other person to come up with his own solution.  They might and come to the meeting on time with fresh coffee for everyone!  Expressing a wish can sound directive.

“I” Message Example

A management professor shared how he used “I” messages with university students when the group became unfocused.  People talked without listening to each other.  The group became dissipated.  One particularly challenging young man rolled his eyes and, mumbling over the unfairness of life, noisily moved his chair about during their meeting time.

Thinking, “When will they grow up?!” and feeling his temper rising, the professor decided to wait for the next class to respond.

The following week, during a session on global business, he addressed the topic of reaping the benefits of diversity by using “I” messages.  People from different cultures behave in ways that could be unsettling to the other.

He shared two ways to address an issue of generational disparity in their class:

Option “You” Message: “You are causing problems for others by talking in class.”

The class smirked.  They had heard similar comments before.  It went in one ear and out the other.

Option “I” Message: “When you speak in class while I am teaching, I feel robbed because the additional noise takes away the opportunity for me to connect with interested classmates and for them to learn.”

The class went silent and eyes popped open.  “I could see them thinking
and realizing they made a difference in the success of the entire class!” he shared.

Tips for Success with “I” Messages

1. Prepare in Advance, When Calm

Good news:  An “I” Message is quick to say.   If the person with disruptive behavior dodges attempts to connect, a one-minute “I” Message will catch his attention.

Reality check: It takes time to prepare.

A big challenge lies in identifying a work-appropriate emotion.

When our boundaries are crossed, our brain goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode.  In flight or freeze, we do not retort on the spot.  In fight state we do
 with words intended to wound.
“I feel violated
ridiculed
crushed
usurped
”

The emotions are real and valid.  At the same time, these judgement-filled words can backfire.

When our brains are in fight mode, we respond with words intended to hurt.  Calming down allows us to re-access helpful language.

Give yourself time to calm down from experiencing a toxic situation before responding to it.

2. Be Specific

Bring to mind an actual toxic situation.

Avoid “always _____” and “never ______”

Consider these questions:

  • What was said or done?
  • How did it make you feel? How did others respond?
  • What was the negative trigger?
  • What were you expecting?
  • How does the actual behavior differ from the desired actions?

Try and define the bothersome gap. It is helpful to identify the qualities of a constructive workplace you seek to build. Were you hoping for trust and found mockery instead?  Are you seeking learning and are relegated menial tasks?

3. Use factual language

When describing the behavior, replace judgmental language with a neutral description.

“When you insulted Jane
” invites a defensive response.

“When you told Jane that she looked like 
” relays facts.

4. Prepare Written Drafts

The clearer your “I” Message, the more likely it will invite a positive response.

You might only have one minute to catch the attention of the “toxic employee.”

“I” Messages, like any new language, takes practice.  Imagine you are speaking to a representative from another planet (someone who Thinks-Waaaaay-Differently-From-Me).  Try your message out by speaking at your image in the mirror.

Expect to write several drafts
of each of the three parts: the behavior, your feelings, and the consequences.

Review.  Do the feelings relate to the consequences?  If not, reconsider what bothered you and try again.

Think of your “I” Message like an elevator pitch.  Attention-grabbing.  Inviting collaboration.  10 rough drafts!

5. Choose Occasions

Sharing and receiving “I” Messages involves vulnerability and courage.  Use these precious resources, wisely.  It would be a shame to create a reputation of fault-seeking.

“When you leave the cap off the pen
.”

“When you take the last Kinder at the cafeteria
”

Trust to Respond

Some people include an additional element in the “I” Message:  a request for a specific action.  I like to trust the person to respond productively.

The university professor above shared “the rest of the story.”

“The following week, I arrived in class early and the student with the most disruptive behavior was already there.  I went up to him, noticed his timeliness, and shared how I appreciated his effort for punctuality.  He smiled, chuckled and remarked, ‘Yeah.  I think this is the first time this year!’

He contributed positively throughout the class.  As he was leaving, again I commented noticing his helpful participation.  He exclaimed, ‘And, you know, I paid attention even though the student behind me was sticking her pen in my back during the entire class.  I’m not sitting in front of her again!’

I had thought he was a toxic person.  He taught me otherwise.  His behavior had been reprehensible but he proved capable of positive contributions even under adverse circumstances.  He performed beyond my expectations.”

That’s why I like to present an “I” Message and allow the other person to surprise me with their own constructive response.  It happens in most situations.


and if challenges persist, then it’s time to seek yet a different approach.  We’ll address that next week.

Read: “What is a Toxic Employee”?

Read: Alternatives to Firing Toxic Employees – Acknowledge the challenge
and your role in it

Business man with gas mask. Toxic behavior.

What is a “Toxic Employee”?

Posted on by Denise

Last week we began a series on managing “toxic employees.”

One reader inquired, “What, exactly, is a toxic employee?”

It is such a great (and obvious) question, that we’re addressing it now before going on to additional constructive communication tools to develop collaboration with these colleagues.

What is a “Toxic Employee”?

“Toxic employee” is one of those phrases that gets thrown around without clarification.

People are not toxic.  Behaviors are.

People get labeled according to their behaviors.

“She’s a high potential.”

“He’s totally toxic.”

Read about labels that create a disconnect with listeners.

worldview-beliefs-values-behaviors icebergOur actions stem from our beliefs and attitudes.  You and I operate according to our conscious and unconscious convictions.

Just because a person bravely stands up to a bully does not make her a brave person in all circumstances.  She sure acted with courage in this instance. This strengthens her and others’ confidence that she could do so under even more challenging conditions too.

Similarly, someone who trips over his feet is not a klutz.  He acts clumsy.

Who we are is more than how we act.

Mindset Matters

The purpose of this series on toxic behavior at work is to present solutions which foster lasting, constructive behavior.

We do so by addressing the beliefs behind the behaviors.

Fixed and Growth Mindsets

Dr. Carol Dweck, professor at Columbia University, identified two underlying attitudes towards growth.  These attitudes either extend or constrain our view of ourselves and of others.

People with the Fixed Mindset believe that people have qualities and they reach a maximum capability level and cannot go further.  Like our height.  My brother, a longstanding adult, is 6’2”.  He won’t grow taller.

Folk with a Growth Mindset consider that we can change throughout life.  Like muscle.  My brother joined a gym. His biceps are more pronounced than a few months ago!

Moving Between Mindsets

Through our interactions with people we can encourage either of these mindsets.

Labels move people towards the fixed mindset. This is true whether it’s a positive or negative label.  Once identified as toxic, always problematic.  Once considered high-potential, always more is expected of them.

I seek to orient people towards the growth mindset and do so through constructive communication tools that provide choices within clear limits. This approach to communication renders people responsible for their actions and invites collaboration and mutual respect.

These tools are founded on the psychological principles of Dr. Alfred Adler and have been confirmed by neuroscience.  For example, Dweck describes that people with a fixed mindset focus on declarative statements.  “This is the way it is.  Period.”  Growth mindset folk entertain questions.  “What will it take to move from here to there?”

Dweck asserts that people can change mindsets.  The realization that these two worldviews exist has helped many recognize their fixed mindset tendencies and to intentionally focus on developing more of a growth perspective.

Toxic behavior is often a symptom of a fixed mindset.  The person believes his label is superior to another’s.  They therefore deserve special treatment.  (They can be a bigger victim too.)

The purpose of this series on toxic behavior at work is to present growth mindset solutions to

  • Avoid falling into a fixed mindset trap
  • Invite challenging employees to grow
    … thanks to relationship tools that are simultaneously firm and kind
  • Be in expectation that the colleague can and will progress

Toxic Behaviors at Work

When a person spreads rumors, it’s poisoning the atmosphere.

When a boss misuses power, he is killing trust.

I have noticed two categories of particularly venomous behaviors:  undermining colleagues and expecting favored treatment.  These share a worldview of needing to be “superior to others.”

Here is how they might be expressed at work:

Undermining colleagues

  • Stealing ideas and taking the credit for oneself
  • Spreading rumors
    “Too bad Stacey lacks confidence.”
  • Focusing on faults and publicizing them
    “Here comes Joe who makes spills coffee on his pants.”
  • Initiating power struggles, as in passive-aggression
    “Too bad you did not take into account this information before making the decision.” They then present data that would have been helpful earlier.

Expecting favored treatment

  • Abusing power, no matter the level of responsibility
  • Judging others for behaviors they consider acceptable for themselves
    “Sam is so irresponsible for being late. I, however, have a legitimate excuse.”
  • Requesting special favors
    “I should get two presents at the holiday party because 
” (it happened)
  • Complaining

These behaviors leave a sour taste in the mouth.  The value of people has been sullied.

Creating an Environment where People Grow

People can change.  Colleagues with toxic behavior can become collaborative team members (and visa versa).  I have personally seen it happen on numerous occasions.  The name SoSooper stands for becoming super through bloopers.  By learning from our professional and personal mistakes, we prosper in making a living and in life.

Change first

THE EFFECTIVE WAY OF CHANGING OTHER PEOPLE IS TO FIRST CHANGE YOURSELF.

Imagine a tennis ball bouncing against a wall.  When you throw it repeatedly the same way, the ball will bounce back in a predictable fashion.  How to get the ball to bounce differently?

  • Change the ball
  • Change the way you throw
  • Change the wall

Changing other people is like trying to alter the shape of the ball.  It means constraining it into another shape, like force-wrapping it in tape.  It works AS LONG AS THE PRESSURE LASTS.  It’s uncomfortable for the person being compacted (and they resist), and it’s a pain to continuously apply pressure.

Create growth opportunities

The relationship tools in this series (and throughout my blog and in my trainings) present ways to change the way we toss a ball.  We act differently SO THAT the person with unacceptable behavior faces the responsibility and results of his acts.  These tools create learning situations which invite a constructive response from the offending party.

In the previous post, we looked at addressing toxic behavior by acknowledging a rift in the relationship, admitting we could have a role in it, and having them recognize that they share a responsibility in it too.  Those tools were not about telling them about their faults.  “Something is wrong with our interactions (not with you).  Tell me how you understand the situation.”

This approach demands, in a firm and kind manner, that the other person account for his behavior.

Read: Alternatives to Firing Toxic Employees – Acknowledge the challenge
and your role in it

When we change our behavior, it impacts multiple relationships. When we stop complaining to other colleagues about someone else’s toxic behavior, we open up to creativity and become more productive with all our team members.  The environment flourishes.

Toxic Example

Consider this actual situation.  One boss, in the guise of being helpful, would touch women inappropriately.  When they were in private, he would say with concern, “You have a thingee on your sweater,” and reach over and pluck a crumb (real or imagined?) from her chest.

He’s the boss.  It’s her bosom. That’s an abuse of power.  It’s also difficult to react to.

How to respond to unacceptable behavior in a way that respects yourself (setting clear limits) and respects the other person (not stooping to shame and blame behavior)?

Fixed Mindset Responses

She wanted to exclaim, “You jerk!”

That labels him and more firmly instills him in a fixed mindset.

She could respond with a clear command, “Please keep your hands off my chest.”

He is surely prepared for such a reaction and, with assumed hurt, would assure that he only wanted to help.  HE is the victim for having been misunderstood.

Toxin diffusers worm their way out of responsibility.

Take Responsibility & Render Responsible

Consider this way of addressing the delicate dilemma with an “I” Message, one of the constructive communication tools that effectively establishes limits and invites the offender to a more respectful behavior.  (“I” Messages are the topic of the next post.)  Here is how it could play out:

A few days later, when the woman has had time to gather her thoughts, she is ready to set limits and point to positive collaboration. “When you plucked that crumb off my sweater, I felt uncomfortable and perplexed because I consider my chest to be a private space and yet our relationship is professional.”

Pause.

“I feel more comfortable when there is a clear distinction between the two.”

The disruptive behavior has been contained without judging the person as toxic.

 

She cannot control his response, and we will address this further next week.  In the meantime, please leave questions or comments below.

Read: Alternatives to Firing Toxic Employees – Acknowledge the challenge
and your role in it

Man reflecting in park

When It’s Urgent to Reflect

Posted on by Denise

For many of us reflection seems like a luxury in our over-packed schedules and high-efficiency mindset.

We feel a need to respond immediately.

To respond!

In our world of disruptive innovation and fast change, don’t we really need to initiate?

Proactivity requires reflection.  Overcoming recurring stumbling blocks demands new solutions.  In the words of Albert Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”

Reflection gets us thinking at another level.

“We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”
– Albert Einstein

Here are five situations when deeper level thinking is vital.

1. When Faced with Failure

  • The deal you were about to close fell through at the last minute.
  • You expected a positive response from a colleague and met a very different reaction.
  • An employee left the company or is in burnout.

Step back

We could be too close to the problem.

Try stepping back using space.   Using Post-It notes, write one element of your challenge on each note and place them in order on a wall.  Step back and discover the pattern.  Where is the breaking point?

Try stepping back or forward with time.  Two weeks ago, what was the situation like?  Two weeks from now, what would you like to happen?

2. When Your Body “Complains”

  • You cannot sleep at night.
  • You have gained or lost weight.
  • You get sick.
  • Your digestion has gone havoc; gurgling sounds interrupt your meetings (!)

“If I knew I would live this long I would have taken better care of myself.”
– 90 year-old Al McDonald, previous Managing Director (CEO) of McKinsey & Company

Your and my energy is finite.  With exercise, nutrition, self-care, and planning we can increase our productivity 
 to a limit.

Re-Prioritize

Physical signs point to a need for change.  It’s time to re-evaluate the distribution of work.  Are you accepting too many projects?  Is it difficult to say, “No”?

Seeking recognition is a common goal.  All humans experience the fundamental need to belong and to contribute to a meaningful community.  Colleagues and neighbors may admire superhumans from afar.  It’s people we come alongside.  It’s relationships with fellow humans that bring meaning to work and life.

Review your investments in time and energy to identify tasks to delegate
 and offer others a chance to grow and contribute too.

3. When Bored or Feeling Blasé

When all you see is 10 000 shades of grey, mental fatigue may be blinding you to life in full color spectrum.

Re-Connect

Consider these color images.  The first lacks greens.  The second is without red.  Without these hues, one can miss out on the obvious.

Numbers for Color Blind. No green
No green => confusing!

Numbers for Color Blind. No red
No red => confusing too.

Color blind numbers vector
Even with all the color, reading the numbers takes effort. Similarly, additional perspectives makes reflection easier.

When life appears color blind, it’s an invitation to reflect.  Easier said than done when we are in the blues.  Connecting with another person can add the clarity of perception we may have temporarily lost.  (That’s what coaches like me do.)

We have been given life in technicolor.  It’s urgent to re-assess when life appears monochromatic.

4. When Your Calendar is Always Full

I read of a foreigner learning English who integrated phrases she heard spoken around herShe learned to respond to, “How are you?” with, “I’m so busy.”

Many of us live with little margin.  We plan flexibility out of our lives.

Think of Yourself

Have you travelled on an airplane recently?  The flight attendants remind us to put on our oxygen mask BEFORE we help others.

Many people postpone self-care, prioritize working for others over taking time for oneself.   If you don’t invest in yourself, why should anyone else?

Self-care is a way to express your worth to your entourage.  Again, if you don’t believe in yourself, why should your boss, colleague, spouse, or child?

5. When You are Bitter or Jealous

We all look at the world through a filter.  The lens of envy focuses on faults 
 and since we are all humans, imperfections in each of us will be found.

Bitterness jettisons us into a vicious cycle of hurt and retaliation. It’s a lose-lose situation, and the one who harbors bitterness suffers most of all.

Lack of forgiveness is like drinking the poison you wish for someone else, reminds us Nelson Mandela.  Riddled with venom we perish; our joy dies, our ability to contribute constructively dwindles, and our sense of belonging withers.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
– Nelson Mandela

Focus on Long Term Benefits

Numerous studies report how the elderly look back on their life.  Men and women lament the energy they wasted on insisting that they were right, even at the cost of a relationship.  The wise in years wish for strong rapport with folk who know their imperfections AND respect them still.

You may not desire nor need to reconnect in a hurtful relationship.  Do reconnect with yourself and your values.  (Often this does imply some kind of gesture in relationship recovery.)

It takes some stepping back to recognize our own responsibility in a relationship rift.

  • The 10 additional critical words to make SURE the reprimand got across
  • The 10 additional decibels in our tone of voice so that the entire floor could hear the negative feedback

As we realize and express our responsibility in the conflict, we free ourselves from a victim mentality and from reactivity.

Do you use a mirror to pluck out an ingrown hair?  Consider getting a coach or a sparring partner to bring to focus behaviors which could be aggravating an already delicate situation.

 

Reflection Becomes a Habit of the Mind

Reflection becomes a habit.

Try this activity from Positive Discipline that we do in my workshops:

  • Put your hands together and interlace your fingers
  • Straighten your fingers and move them down one notch. If your right index was on top before, the left one will be on top now.
  • How does it feel? What do you want to do?
    One participant shared, “The new hand position felt weird.  I wanted to go back to the previous way, and without thinking did so.  Then I tried the new hand position again.  It still felt unfamiliar, but less uncomfortable.  I realized that with practice, I could do this.”

Neuroscience corroborates this phenomenon.  When we activate our brain (as in through reflection) neurons create a pathway of connections from one part of the brain to another.  As we rethink similar thoughts, those same pathways get utilized, like a path a well-worn path that becomes easier and easier to follow.

Phew!

Action Step

Schedule a free trial coaching call.  Get in touch.

 

 

 

Love Languages at Work

Posted on by Denise

Have you ever tried to make someone feel appreciated at work and it backfired? You offered chocolates (because you like to receive gifts) and the recipient gave you a wierd look. You publicly complimented a colleague who then informed you they don’t need your help defending them.

Ouch.

This is a common misunderstanding asserts Gary Chapman, author the the 5 Love Languages series. Each person is internally wired to receive love in a preferred way AND expects the rest of the world to receive and express appreciation in the same way. Chapman applies these Love Languages to personal relationships and uses the term “love.”

Aren’t we also people at work?

Engaged Employees are People who Care and Feel Appreciated

According to a Deloitte study, employee engagement banks on trust in leadership, a humanistic entourage, an inclusive environment, and high learning (a.k.a. the opportunity to make mistakes and still be appreciated).

Factors of employee engagement

With a slight paradigm tweak, Love Language insights apply to any trusting relationship seeking open communication and mutual appreciation.

The MULTIPLE Love Languages

According to Chapman (who sold 11 million copies of his books translated in to 50 languages), love and appreciation are communicated in multiple and distinct ways. Everyone has a preferred Love Language.  Appreciation expressed in this favored language encourages connectivity and cooperation. Conversely, disproval communicated in this preferred language further distances the parties; greater effort is required to “retrieve” the one who received critique to regain their attention and to motivate them.

People often assume that every other person shares his same method of expressing appreciation. That mistaken belief creates a source of frustration. An Anglophone may not understand a colleague who converses in French, and the same disconnect can occur among people “speaking” different Love Languages.

According to Chapman, there are five ways communicate that they care

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch

Implications of Love Languages at Work

How could these varying modes of connection impact your and my life at work?

1. Awareness and understanding

As an Anglophone living in Paris, I come across very young French children who hear me speak English.  They turn to their parents and ask, “Why does she speak so funny? Is something wrong with her?”

That’s when these tykes discover the notion of foreign languages.

Before we gain the ability to decipher these Love Languages, it helps to know that they exist.

2. Self-awareness and expressing preferences

Maybe you feel unappreciated at work. As you discover the various Love Languages, you also uncover your preferences. Your newfound awareness allows you to encourage team members to recognize your contributions in a way that is most meaningful to you. “

When come in with a smile and a box of chocolates, I feel that you recognize my contribution to our team. It means a lot to me.” (Love Language = Receiving Gifts. Read below for more details)

3. Creativity in communication styles

In an ideal world we might identify the Love Language of our team members (and family members) and communicate accordingly.

We live in a real world…and a global one at that.

To ensure comprehension among internationals, it is helpful to communicate the same thought in multiple ways. “What’s your goal?” followed by “Describe your ideal solution.”  Who knows, they might not understand your accent!

In the same way, expand your Love Language vocabulary; try using Words of Affirmation AND Acts of Service with the same person.  It won’t hurt them AND you will grow.

4. Personalized engagement

One employee (or boss) particularly challenges you? Spend some time observing them to discover their Love Language.  In the process, you will grow in empathy and understanding AND communicate more effectively.

Impact of Love Languages at Work

Let’s take a peak at each of these communication styles and identify how to apply them appropriately in the workplace. Some ideas you will find familiar; you’re doing them already.  Do you do so with every colleague or selectively?

What new approach would you like to adapt today?

Words of Affirmation

Everyone makes mistakes AND everyone does at least one thing right.  This language focuses on identifying and naming those strengths.

With a spouse it can sound like, “Honey, great job organizing this family outing. It’s so much fun.”

With a child, one could say, “You are reliable with your schoolwork. I really appreciate not having to check up on your homework all the time. You should be proud of yourself.”

And at work:

“Thanks to your timeliness in preparing the presentation we practiced well. It helped us speak fluidly in front of the customer and present our ASK with confidence.”

“You bring good humor to our meetings which stimulates creativity for everyone. You’re an asset to the team.”

Affirmation helps identify the conditions which favor success…which we can then replicate for continued growth.

Affirmation can also reduce the risk of a new challenge by helping the individual recognize a transferable skill.

“You are rigorous in ____ (type of work), I’m confident you can apply that rigor to move us forward in this new domain.”

Affirmation is more than non-committal phrases like “Good job.” “Great team.”  These provide candy to the ego yet lack the consistency to generate a vibrant sense of belonging and feeling of contribution.

Acts of Service

These big and small gestures demonstrate an intentional kindness for the benefit of another person.

At home it might mean taking on an extra chore when your partner comes home exhausted.

How about these for the office:

To help someone with a software or a technology issue

To connect people and smooth the way with an introductory email

To help to set up the conference room

To bring the morning coffee just the way you like it (with the two dashes of cinnamon and the squirt of honey)

To ask, “How can I help?”

Receiving Gifts

It’s the thought that counts, like showing that you thought of them when they were out of sight. The size of the gift matters less than the having a present to offer.

It could be a photo of the professional event you worked so hard to organize together. A print of the two of you together or an image sent specifically to them, especially if they cannot be there with you.

Does the person enjoy a delicacy with her/his coffee?

Stick a post-it message of encouragement on their screen as you pass by.

Quality Time

The key concept is TOGETHER.

Going for a coffee break together. Inviting a colleague to grab lunch just the two of you. Playing of the company soccer team.

What about an after-work outing? Be considerate. If your colleague has a family or other personal commitment, your offer may be taking quality time away from his loved ones!

Physical Touch

According to Chapman, most men express and receiving caring (and rejection) through physical touch.

Think of the hearty handshake, even a double-handed one.  Notice those paternalistic pats on the shoulder.

In a workplace, one can create a sense of physical connection without touching.

Sit on the same side of the desk

Secure eye contact

 

So….what’s YOUR Love Language? 

P.S. And when you get home, remember those Love Languages too!